It’s happened. It has finally happened. We never thought we’d make it. That’s right! It’s the final episode of season nine. EPISODE 37 of Married at First Sight Australia.
Season nine ends tonight and boy oh boy, what a season!
Just like Al Perkins, I’ve learnt a lot about myself — like how much tolerance I have for people with my own name (none), how much I want to smash up wine glasses (a lot), and also the subtle nuances of intimate photo ownership.
It’s been a wild ride, thank you all for your attendance.
Let’s DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!!
For the final episode, all the brides and grooms (besides the Texan goof) will be in attendance. Incredible. INCREDIBLE.
Everyone will sit on the couch and be shown their “highlight” (let’s be honest, it’s a lowlight) reel.
There’s set to be some truth bombs, drah-ma and a break-up EVERYONE saw coming.
The episode opens with every couple on the couch. The experts play a reel of highlights, and whilst the cast tears up, I am triggered by every scene from the season..
The first couple up is Ella and Mitch — and while we all know how this really plays out, on the couch, Mitch the eshay has cleaned up his act and bagged himself a real winner in Ella.
John asks about their relationship, because in the past, Mitch has refused to commit to Ella because he’s a man-child.
Except…what’s this? He’s taking the experiment seriously now. The last f*cking couch and he’s ready to enjoy the process.
I like this new Mitch. I always had a weird soft spot for him because through all his faults he’s genuinely funny.
Ella says she’s falling in love, and Mitch says, “I really rate her.”
He’s a true poet…but f*ck it, it’s all we’ll get from Mitchy and I accept it graciously. Hear hear! To Ella and Mitch.
Everyone applauds and Mitch instantly goes to text Tamara…
The next couple up and still together is Selina and Cody.
Cody has shaved his moustache off and I don’t know what to feel about it. He has big “about to rent me a one bedroom shack for $600/week” energy. Eeeeesh.
The crowd is shocked because although Cody happily shared about Domenica’s OnlyFans past, Selina hadn’t spilled the tea about just how repulsively Cody spoke to her.
After the highlights finish, Mel asks them how they feel watching it.
Selina, oh, baby girl Selina, breaks down and starts crying saying she feels “confused and silly.”
Then BOMBSHELL. Cody reveals that after the reunion dinner, the pair broke up. I’d say I’m surprised, but I’m not in the slightest.
Get absolutely f*cked, Cody.
Cody starts going, “Yes, I guess we…”
“No, don’t say we,” Selina interrupts… WTAF is happening?!
When asked who ended the relationship, Selina says that Cody did it.
They had plans for Selina to move to Sydney — which BTW was Cody’s idea. Then, because Cody is an emotional jellyfish, he gets put off because Selina, shock horror, held his hand. So he dumps her.
Anyway, Cody tries to justify it with some deranged speech but comes off like the idiot he is.
Alessandra then asks Selina if she had fallen in love with Cody…
Oh get farked.
Anyway, this absolutely sucks. There is nothing nice to be said. Selina is clearly devastated and Cody is some kind of dart board I want to throw things at.
The experts push Cody further.
“Do you see a future with Selina, it’s a yes or no?”
Well, enjoy your Batman sheets. No woman in Australia is going back to those.
Everyone’s best friend and queen Ella runs over and hugs Selina and I’m already crying.
What a trainwreck!
The next couple up are absolute enemies Brent and Tamara. Ella says what we’re all thinking, this is gonna be “hectic”.
After their absolute sh*tshow of a lowlight reel, the experts ask the pair if they’ve had any contact.
“No,” they say. WELL, DAH! Brent fkn hates Tamara and so do I at this point.
Their reel is an absolute mess. It’s basically a massive takedown of Brent.
Tamara trashes his job, his money, his life. She does not come across well, because spoiler alert: she’s sh*t.
John then asks Tamara how she feels watching it.
“It’s not great but it’s made to look like I think I’m better than Brent and it’s 100 percent not that,” she says.
Lol, wut? BULLSH*T.
Selin shares everyone’s sentiments and she is surprisingly likeable all of a sudden.
“You had an issue with his job title,” she says. ”Everytime he says what he does, you get a facial… you get a face on.”
Selin then pulls this face and it is uncanny.
The experts then ask about a phone call between Mitch and Tamara. Here we f*cking gooo!
Tamara claims that Mitch called her at 3 am drunk claiming he “couldn’t stop thinking about her.”
Ella says that this all sounds like ammo.
Selin, who has turned out to be a gossip queen hero in all the reunion episodes, says that it sounds like Tamara just wants Mitch. FKN LOL. I wish that she was a fourth expert, she’s absolutely unhinged.
Tamara storms off and when Samantha follows her out she whinges, again.
“I don’t want a person who works in fkn retail!”
TAMARA ARE YOU ASLEEP? He works in hospitality. Are you lost? Confused? What’s going on, babe?
As a palate cleanser for all this bullsh*t, next up is Al.
And it’s what we ALL DESERVE. A highlight reel of just Al.
We get to see the unaired footage of Al jumping into a swamp, and then a montage of every shoey he’s ever done. It’s glorious.
He receives a standing ovation from the boys.
Thank you, Al. I love you and Australia loves you.
The producers clearly know we needed that because the next couple up is Carolina and Dion.
Right on cue, Carolina refuses to go sit next to Dion because she’s hand-in-hand with new beau and fellow groom Daniel.
Dion says, “Don’t worry, I’m used to being by myself here.” Loooool!!!!
The experts reveal they are going to show the group how the Daniel and Carolina
fiasco relationship started, except nobody asked for it — especially us.
Domenica starts chanting: “Receipts, receipts!”, which we all know around here, receipts or it didn’t happen.
This is better than the latest Wes Anderson film. Bring it on.
The group learns that Carolina and Daniel’s relationship started way before they had all assumed. And it is messssyyyyyyyyyy. We have to watch that stairway makeout session again with the sound up and good lord, help us all.
After the reel finishes, Domenica says what we’re maybe not all thinking.
“I feel like I’m going to have diarrhea after watching that.” Lovely.
The group defend Dion because short king Dion became king of sparkly jackets AND the group.
Daniel then turns to the group and says:“You’re all single, shut up,” like we’re in a playground in Year two.
The experts then ask Daniel how he feels watching it, and Daniel decides not just to dig his own grave but to bury himself in it.
“I feel good feelings watching it.” This man is the dumbest man on the planet.
John then calls out Carolina, telling her off for the way she belittled, heckled and spoke down to Dion. He demands an apology.
Carolina says sorry… kind of. Then backs it up with, “I don’t regret it.” Eughhhh get these two off my screen, I’m done with them.
John makes an epic final battle speech about how much Daniel and Carolina lacked empathy and remorse. It’s beautiful!
John is the best character arc this season. Given he was simply sh*t the last 100000 seasons, this is monumental.
Then, because John fkn hates Carolina, he gives Dion the stage for the last word.
“I hope we all find love. Even Daniel and Carolina. As hard as it is, I hope they can find love.” Awwwww! We LOVE you, Dion!
After a moment of glee, Satan and her lackey take the couch. And by Satan and lackey, I mean Olivia and Jackson.
Can I change the channel?
“I wanted to give it everything,” says Jackson. LOL except say “I love you”, right, Jacko?
It’s time for the Jackson and Olivia highlight reel and thanks, I hate it.
The highlight reel is going great (A.K.A sickening) until it comes to Olivia’s beef with Domenica………
While I cringe rewatching that bullsh*t again, the end of the clip is sealed with a kiss and I want to have diarrhoea — to quote Dom.
Anyway, they talk about love a lot and some sh*t about babies and then are sent back to the couch.
Is that it?! Is that all they get?!
WHERE DA FUQ IS OLIVIA’S PUMMELLING, JOHN?? WTF??
Wait…John begins to speech and I clutch my wine glass ready to smash it.
He says that it’s always interesting watching how couples get along with other couples… which as we know, is not very well.
And now It’s time to watch Domenica and Olivia’s journey together and fark me what a bumpy ride. I didn’t sign up for this.
Olivia says that it’s her nightmare coming true. Oh, honey. Watching you is mine, so let’s ride this wave together.
We watch as Olivia lies through her teeth and says that Domenica took “ages” to put the wine glass down and was “waving it around like a weapon.”
Ok, babe. But we ALL just saw it. Again. Because, cameras….I love justice.
The reel finishes and it’s more satisfying than a semi-OK Hinge date.
Olivia got her ass handed to her by the way of a video, and Australia has been waiting for this….
Even though the experts sit there silently (WTAF EXPERTS), Holly pipes up. Which we love. She sums up everything we were already thinking.
“As far as I saw, you didn’t fashion a weapon. It’s on telly, it speaks for itself,” she says.
The experts question Olivia and Domenica on why they hate each other, as if it isn’t incredibly obvious.
“You’ve been smug since week one and I don’t like it,” Domenica says and YAASSS KWEEN.
“When I see an injustice I’m going to speak up.”
Olivia then says that maybe those two are too similar and that’s why they butted heads. Lol, wut?
This is like watching your high school nemesis sucking up to the teacher, trying to pretend she’s innocent, but then she gets called out with a truth bomb.
Domenica interrupts her and says she’s nothing like Olivia.
“I would never do what you did to another woman or another human,” she says. QUEEN SH*T ONLY.
While I’m performing a standing ovation in my lounge room, John asks if Olivia has any regrets.
“Of course I do, I don’t like speaking to people like I did to Domenica.”
Get off the couch Olivia. As Brent would say, ”Good luck and good riddance.”
Following Olivia and Jackson’s couch session, it’s Domenica and Jack’s turn.
During last night’s Reunion Dinner Party, they collectively broke Australia’s hearts when they arrived separately.
“I still see it,” says Alessandra and so do I.
“Can we hold some hope for you two?” asks Mel.
“I mean… Justin Bieber said it. ‘Never say never’,” Domenica says.
Stop. I’m crying. I love her. I love him. Make it happen.
“Who knows what the future holds for us.” BLISSFUL LOVE, PLZ.. And blissful love ONLY!
Alessandra says that they seem like both of them are waiting for the other, but there is STILL hope for them. There’s hope for all of us, Allessandra. They’re Australia’s sweethearts. We need this to work. Give us something!
And from one blonde Olivia to another: Olivia Frazer, what the actual f********ck!
Goodbye babe, never grace our screens again…
Until next time, goodnight Australia.
Somebody get me a drink…
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