It’s HAPPENING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! More excited than a year 12 gal getting her makeup done for the school formal, it’s episode 36 and the final fkn Married at First Sight 2022 Dinner Party Reunion!
It’s a school reunion! It’s everyone coming together and figuring out who’s married, who’s divorced, who’s knocked up and who is a derelict (Spoiler Alert: Everyone!).
This dinner party is taking place about two months after the final vows.
So, where were all our “happy couples” last time we left them.
Anthony and Selin
Anthony was the sensitive wrestler who tried to literally spoon feed his wife. Selin is a gossip queen young mummy who never said one nice thing to her onscreen husband. They fought a lot, exactly once had fun, and then broke up after two weeks in the experiment.
Holly and Andrew
Holly is a manifesting goddess with a heart of gold and a love of word salad when she talks. She was matched with Texan Andrew who f*cked her, said the sex was bad, gaslit her and then didn’t show up to the final couch session.
2022 villain Olivia said that Holly rolled her eyes too many times so she understood why Andrew up and left. It was weird and gross and only the beginning of Olivia’s utterly insane behaviour.
Kate and Matt
Kate was the bride who was never told they were pretty.
Matt was the overly enthusiastic “Golden Retriever” groom who was simply obsessed with his TV bride. She showed little to no enthusiasm for her groom. Matt got grossly drunk one night, and paraded into every other couple’s room before being dumped the next night on the couch with one helluva hangover.
Dion, Carolina and Daniel
Dion wears fabulous jackets, has fabulous one-liners and is overall just fabulous.
His onscreen bride Carolina showed up to her own wedding three hours late and we all thought “poor form” until she ended up cheating on Dion with fellow groom Daniel.
Carolina has three things that she loves: breakfast, the gym, and techno music.
Carolina and Daniel started going the gym together and one thing led to another and it turns out that he also loves breakfast and the gym. Who woulda thunk it!
Anyway, we are all waiting with bated breath (Except no one actually gives a f*ck) if they come to the dinner party hand-in-hand.
Who is Jessica?
Samantha and Al
Australia’s godson Al and his TV bride Samantha made for great television and no romantic connection. Al loves doing shoeys, Samantha likes boyfriends who don’t do shoeys. Insane, right?!
Al tried to stay around for as long as possible, claiming it’s for Sam but really it was for the free booze, and the two left on amicably good terms.
Mitch and Ella
Everyone’s bestie Ella and her husband Mitch made it all the way to final vows. They had started as the typically horny couple, but Ella went from hornbag to homegirl in the few short weeks she graced our screens.
Ella is two things. Beautiful and kind. Mitch is one thing: an eshay.
Mitch likes having sex, getting drunk and saying the word “brah” a lot. In fact, he said it a loooootttt at boys’ night after some spicy words with Daniel were exchanged.
These two got to final vows but Mitch refused to hang up his eshay bumbag and couldn’t decide if he wanted to be with Ella so the two had a hug and parted ways. It was like sex without an orgasm… confusing and unsatisfying.
Selina and Cody
Boy, oh boy. Selina and Cody have had a rocky relationship. First, Cody said that he wasn’t attracted to literal straight ten Selina because of her ethnicity. He then said that she was alright. He laughs like a seal and has done nothing eventful except when he wanted attention so he told everyone that bride Domenica had done OnlyFans and they had all seen the photo.
Selina also waxed Cody’s ass, and we all had to watch it and I’m currently in legal proceedings with Channel 9 for damages.
Anyway, these two somehow made it to final vows (???) and they ended the experiment TOGETHER.
The world is a confusing place.
Tamara and Brent
What can I say about Tamara and Brent that hasn’t already been said.
Brent is a stone cold hottie and hospitality venue manager.
Tamara does real estate or some sh*t and outwardly hates two things: hospitality workers and retail workers because she’s so much better than them renting out apartments in Beenleigh or whatever the f*ck she does.
She treated Brent like sh*t the whole relationship and Brent meekly took it. That is, however, until the final vows where he presents an Oscar worthy monologue that proclaimed she thinks she’s better than everyone and he is unsure just where she got the confidence to be that arrogant.
He chucked his cards in the air and walked off like Nicole Kidman leaving Tom Cruise and Scientology. It was amazing, heroic, iconic, beautiful. An expression of love to a nation of retail workers and hospitality workers.
We loved it. We love him. He is Australia’s future husband.
Domenica and Jack
Oh, the reason I love, love.
Domenica and her Italian other half Jack have had quite the ride. From their first onscreen drama of whether or not they should have period sex to Domenica outing Jack for being a non-toilet-flusher.
But, the real drama stemmed from Domenica’s past doing OnlyFans. Forgetting that it’s 2022 and OnlyFans is a completely legitimate way to autonomously claim capital of your own body, it was a huge drama that all stemmed from cartoonishly evil Olivia getting hold of them from “ a friend” and circulating the nudes around the group like a completely sane and normal person.
Jack stood by Domenica, and stood up for her. He knew about her OnlyFans past but because he has a calendar and knows it’s 2022 he also doesn’t care. I would call him an ally but in reality it’s just a normal human response.
Anyway, these two absolute heroes make it to final vows and like something from The Notebook they kiss barefoot in the rain and I cried into my wine glass. It was beautiful. I love them. If they don’t arrive together I will be going off the grid for the foreseeable future.
Olivia and Jackson
I mean, we need to keep things brief around here so I won’t say all I have to say about Olivia and her onscreen simp, I mean husband, Jackson. Olivia is the biggest villain this season, perhaps in the show’s history.
She belittled Holly after Andrew gaslit and emotionally abused her, she circulated nudes of Domenica, and she made up a rumour that Domenica “broke a wine glass and waved it around her face” to try and justify her unhinged behaviour towards the beloved bride.
Anyway, apparently, she also has a relationship as well but you wouldn’t know it because the focus is primarily on how much of a psycho she is. Her relationship with Jackson has always been strong even though she said to him that he would have to quit the one thing he loves: the gym because he needs to spend more time with her.
Olivia has acted like a petulant toddler the entire season, and has one the hearts of precisely no one.
These two made it to the final vows and she declared she loved Jackson and he smiled and did not return the favour, however they ended up together and something tells me they’ll also enter this dinner party hand in hand.
So, without further adieu, the highway to hell, I mean… the MAFS Final Dinner Party.
Time to fill the glass.
IT’S TIME TO GET REAAADDDYYYY
We’re back, baby! How do I know? Because Dion is the first one on screen and his sparkly whites and glamorous sunnies are too.
Al is also back. He said he’s grown up (lol), and that he is doing “no more shoeys” (double lol).
He then does some sort of gorilla growl in the mirror.
I love him.
Mitch is nervous. He dumped Ella at the altar by declaring he didn’t know what he wanted. He says that he regretted his decision.
Wut is this? Is Mitch… showing remorse? Is he going to patch things up with everyone’s best friend Ella? Is Ella finally going to get what she wants?
O.M.G. Mitch and Ella got back together. It is five minutes in and I’m already crying. Sure, Ella can do a thousand times better than Mitch but she’s happy, look at her! She’s SOO HAPPY. When Ella smiles, I smile.
Mitch has had a haircut, there’s no Nautica in sight. Bless. Baby steps, Mitchy, but I’m here for it.
Next up are the rest of the happy couples. Olivia and Jackson, happily in love. Cody and Selina, happily in love.
Jack and Domenica ha……….. NOT happily in love. What the F********CK IS HAPPENING?!
They both declare that they tried. Domenica says that she tried to organise dinners and for him to come over to her house but says that it just fizzled out.
And that’s it. That’s the show. I can’t watch any more.
No, we’ve made it this far. Time to get through this heartbreak.
Jack says he is “absolutely gutted,” and me too, Jack. Me fkn too.
Domenica says that “the great Justin Bieber said never say never”, when asked if she’d ever get back together with Jack, so I’m taking that inch and I’m running a mile and assuming that Jack and Dom are now together and in love and pregnant. Thank u.
In another evil lair across town, Jackson and Olivia are getting ready.
Olivia is bringing her normally sunny disposition onscreen and saying things like “I’d rather have a colonoscopy than see Domenica”, which is funny because most of Australia feels the same about Olivia.
Olivia declares that if Domenica comes at her tonight she’s “got nothing left to say, not even a hello left.” Cool, normal.
Domenica says that she is ready for whatever Olivia has to throw at her except red wine, “this Christopher Esbar does not deserve that.” I f*cking LOVE this woman.
It’s Tamara next, who claims that nothing Brent said about her at the final vows was true except it was, we all saw it.
Now it’s Brent turn, and he has spilled some tea.
Apparently, old mate Tamara tried to get with another husband since the experiment ended. Yeeeeesh spicy. He saw the text messages, and he is ready to go and find out what really went on and I am also ready.
IT’S COCKTAIL PARTY TIIIIIME
First to enter is Queen Holly. She says that she is ready for the night. She announces she’s DATING SOMEONE and that she manifested it.
Holly says that she needs to sage the space before everyone else gets there, and she just gets me.
Next to enter is Selin, followed by everyone’s son Al.
And, he’s shaved a love heart into his hair.
Next up is Anthony, Selin’s ex. They fist bump and hug. It was actually very sweet.
Samantha walks in next and Al declares, “Oh it’s my ex-wife”, the two give each other a huge cuddle. I love these two.
The first couple is Olivia and Jackson. The experts call them “as strong as ever”, okay. I don’t care.
Jackson shares that the two have moved in together. Wonder if Olivia allows him to get day release to go to the gym or if he’s shackled to the bed.
They share that although Olivia has said the “L-bomb”, Jackson is yet to.
“He’s moved interstate, I think actions speak louder than words,” declares Olivia. Except no they don’t, Liv.
Dion struts in next. And the group loves him. And, I love him.
Holly meets Dion for the first time, and they describe his ex-wife Carolina as being “the bag lady.” Holly, hilarious as always, declares, “I was with Donald Trump and you were with the bag lady, I think you need a drink.” Someone get this woman a talk show.
Tamara is next. Solo. Dressed like she’s a beached mermaid.
She immediately grabs her gaggle of Multi-Level Marketing women (Samantha and Olivia) and drags them to a corner, saying they can “talk sh*t louder over here.”
Imagine being that deeply unpleasant.
Tamara regales the story about Brent dumping her spectacularly and makes her the hero of the story, but lol. It’s a good thing it was recorded, sweetie.
Olivia then asks if Dom and Jack are still together, which we of course know they aren’t. Her psycho ass is going to enjoy this and that makes me annoyed. She says that she knows there’s an expiry date on the relationship, before smiling gleefully.
Jack is the next to enter. Alone. Which we already knew. The girl gang of multi level marketers corner him and try to get him to talk sh*t on Domenica, which of course ultimate gentleman Jack doesn’t do.
Next up is Brent. He doesn’t want to see Tamara, so Brent and I have that in common.
He walks in and the girl gang act like mature adults, oh no wait that was an alternate reality where they are actual adults.
Tamara is ignoring Brent because she loves to take the high road. It’s just like how she acts towards retail workers.
Tamara says that he’s still wearing jackets that are “too long”.
“You have a short body, wear a short jacket.” Babe. Have you seen your DRESS? It is literally from the Spotlight discount aisle.
Selina and Cody arrive. The second couple who made it through. I am honestly so shocked by these two, but I guess some miracles do happen.
Next is Jessica (who?!) followed by Matt and then Kate. Matt says Kate looks absolutely beautiful tonight and I gotta agree with the part-time Wiggle full-time weirdo.
The mean girls sit in the corner and continue to sl*t-shame Domenica for the OnlyFans account and seriously, are these people real people? Are they okay? Like in the head?
Domenica is up next. In the pouring rain, a recurring theme for her.
Olivia flatly refuses to greet her, like I genuinely can’t believe this woman wants to be a teacher.
Domenica and Jack — because they’re normal — hug it out. Tamara, Samantha and Olivia sit in a corner and pass judgement on everyone else. It’s very weird behaviour.
Ella and Mitch enter next, to everyone’s surprise, and delight. Except, of course, Mean Girl’s corner who refer to Mitch and Ella as “odd”, and refuse to feel any happiness.
Jack and Domenica compliment each other and tell each other they miss one another and OMFG don’t tease me like this guys!!!!!!
It’s Carolina and Daniel next. Carolina says that she wants to be the star of the show. Can these people get more narcissistic?
Why did they come to this? Literally, no one wants them there. Imagine turning up to your ex’s wedding, this seriously has that energy.
Dion, being a normal person, greets them both. OLIVIA. Take note.
It’s not good enough for Carolina, who won’t rest until Dion’s head is up on a stick. The bee in her bonnet she has about the lovely Dion makes no sense.
Mitch refuses to say hi because at the boys’ night he got wasted and called Daniel “brah” a lot and laughed at him and then finished his wine. It was amazing television and made me like Mitch.
IT’S DINNER TIIIIMEEEE!
DING DING DING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Carolina and Daniel eat in silence until Al says a series of quotes.
“Are you going to let bygones be bygones or will you unbury the hatchet?” I’m sorry Al, I love you, but what the actual f*ck are you saying.
Carolina and Daniel both say they want an apology from Mitch, but even the experts say the equivalent of a “fat chance.”
Al tells them they have no chance as they were there for Dion. Even Matt calls Daniel a d*ck, but then follows it up with, “if Carolina was yearning for me I wouldn’t say no.” LMAO Matt is insane, I love him.
Daniel says he won’t leave without an apology from Mitch. Eughhhhhhhh Daniel, go away.
Tamara says that she has nothing to say to Brent except, “HOW’S THE NOIGHT CLUUUUBBBB?” because she is one classy lady. How’s the rental market, Tamara? Literally, no one cares.
Tamara then yells at Al to sit down because it’s rude to stand up. Tamara, do NOT yell at my son, that is my job!
But, not to worry. Al has dirt on Tamara and it’s about to come out.
Brent then demands everyone says something negative and positive about the experience, and asks Tamara to go first.
Tamara says that she’s sad she left her puppy for so long, but happy she met so many good girlfriends (lol).
Brent, with arsenal in his bank, turns to her.
“Wasn’t your biggest negative when you tried to pick up Mitch but he rejected you?
Everyone is shocked.
“We know, babe,” says Ella.
So, I’ll break it down and take out all the back-and-forth cos my god, there’s a lot.
Basically, Samantha is saying that she had mutual friends in town at the Gold Coast and Tamara hit up Mitch to ask him out for dinner to join the group.
Mitch says the messages sounded like they had “intent”, and he felt the need to tell Brent.
Brent says to Tamara, “Hey look. You shot your shot and it didn’t work.”
Tamara laughs maniacally, then buries her own grave.
“I thought you and Ella had broken up.”
The smoking gun. If it mattered that they had broken up, surely there’s intent.
Tamara leans across the table and goes, “let’s talk about when you called me at two am then.”
Mitch goes, “Yeah. I called Ella. I also called Dion ten times.” I’d also call Dion ten times, so I for one believe it.
Al declares, “He also called me!” Because why wouldn’t ya!
Ella getting on that queen sh*t says that she never felt threatened and, the cherry on top says: “Mitchell has told me that I should never, ever feel threatened by you.” Gawd, that is satisfying.
It’s Dion’s turn.
“Well, where do I begin?”
He has everyone’s attention. The man’s a showman, and we love it.
“Oh, starts with a speech,” utters his bitter ex wife.
Carolina then asks, “What’s your problem with me?” LMAO, Carolina. Everything.
She keeps yelling and yelling over the top of him saying: “You need all the attention! Speech, speech, speech!”
And then goes, “Well negatives. Jeeze, there’s been a lot,” before shooting a glance at the silent Carolina. It’s amazing. I laugh out loud.
Dion says that he’s left the negatives out of his life. Carolina says, “No, the negatives left you.” Doll, you are a gym rat with no personality, you’re no loss.
It’s Olivia and Jackson now, who declare they’re staying away from everything. Olivia says she “won”. Lol, what? What did you win?
It’s Holly’s turn to bat. I love Holly. She speaks way too much and says too little and I adore it.
Holly says that the warmth that Jackson feels doesn’t exist and that when she was broken Olivia piled on her. Then, she does the thing we all want to and brings up the photo.
“Why did you never apologise to Dom about the photo?”
“Because, I’m not sorry,” says
Ella defends Domenica, and Olivia sips her wine and shows zero remorse.
Oh, cool! Jackson comes to the party now and starts saying that it was just on Google and there’s no intimacy with it.
Are these people okay? It’s an intimate picture, Jackson, ya freak. You don’t share it around vindictively.
Selina chimes in.
“It’s the fact that it was shown. It was shown and it hurt her. And that’s why we need to say sorry.”
GODDAMNIT. THANK YOU, SELINA.
It’s about empathy, Olivia.
Olivia still says she doesn’t need to apologise.
Domenica starts to explain why she felt so victimised, and Olivia smacks her lips. Wow, her students are so damn lucky.
Olivia then says that she feels unsafe in Domenica’s presence and says that she “literally fashioned a weapon.”
No, she didn’t.
This smashed glass incident is Olivia’s only fuel to throw on the ongoing fire that she has sparked. What a deeply unpleasant person.
From one hell fire to another, it’s Carolina and Daniel kissing.
They keep kissing, like deranged high school students. They stop kissing for one second so that Daniel and go and approach Mitch, who is about 17 shoeys deep by now.
Daniel demands that Mitch apologises to Carolina.
Mitch says that he won’t, but if he had the chance again he wouldn’t have said it.
It then becomes a pile on session to Daniel and Carolina and TBF it’s fkn funny. Dion says that Jessica never even wanted Daniel, and Jessica (who?) says her first line all season: “It’s true.”
Carolina freaks out and says she never had anything with Dion, and Jack goes, “except a marriage” and everyone laughs.
Carolina, for some unknown reason, then goes for Domenica.
“I hope you’re relaxed because I know what you’re like when you’re not.” Oh, GOD the glass smashing incident. I’m about to smash a glass….
Dion and Daniel get involved. Daniel calls Dion fake, don’t know where that came from. Dion says that Daniel is so fake even his teeth were $2 from Bali. God I love this man!
Brent says to stop giving them attention because they don’t need any more.
It’s true. Brent is a hospitality manager and a man of wisdom.
Jack and Domenica discuss their relationship. They look super in love, but they say there’s a friend vibe between them. I’m rooting for them so much, please gawd make it happen.
They decide that they have different love languages, but it feels like energy and I am now living on a wing and a prayer that these two rekindle.
And, that’s it. Couch session tomorrow. There isn’t enough wine in the world for this.
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