It’s a Wednesday night, and instead of saving room for dinner like normal, it’s time to go direct to binge drinking — the recipe for a great night out and not at all a sh*t show.
That’s right, it’s the Married at First Sight Australia 2022 Girls’ and Boys’ Night!
Unaware of what this means, dear reader? Well, lucky you!
This is the night where the brides and grooms regroup and hurl abuse at each other — because it’s not just romantic relationships this show hates, it’s about all relationships.
Let’s quickly catch up on where our couples are at.
This week saw the couples embark on one final date a.k.a Final Date week, where each pair spend time together and decide if divorce is imminent.
Domenica and Jack
Domenica and Jack are amazing. As per.
During the Commitment Ceremony, Jack defended Domenica to the absolute nines after the whole sl*t shaming, disgusting ordeal that bad b*tch Olivia dragged Domenica into after she found her OnlyFans account. Gross, gross, gross.
For their final date, Jack presented Domenica with a really hot dress. They then went to a fake Florence somewhere in Sydney, because Dom has never been to the real deal.
They ate pasta, danced in the rain and then they had the traditional Italian dessert of Tim Tams. It was luxury. I loved it. I’d buy an OnlyFans of just Jack and Domenica laughing and enjoying each other’s company.
They are totally going to have period sex tonight, just saying!
Cody and Selina
These two are still here because my God, hell is real and we are living in it.
Cody took Selina on a hot air balloon date but instead of hot air it was powered by more gaslighting. Cody said he didn’t know what she wanted in their relationship even though she had said on numerous occasions that she wanted to be with him…
Cody is really afraid of commitment which is why he went on national TV to get married to a stranger.
It was like watching two people speak in entirely different languages. Selina was talking in English and Cody was talking in f*ckboy.
Selina: “I see a future with you.”
Cody: “I don’t understand what you’re saying. You’re saying you don’t see a future with me?”
Selina then yelled in his face, “are you f*cking COOKED?” and all of Australia screamed “YES!”
Nothing gets me off more than men thinking they’re better than their partners on this show and then coming off it and realising all of Australia hates them and won’t f*ck them. Anyway, that’s Cody’s future IMO.
Selina, if you’re reading this: dump him!
Ella and Mitch
Not much to say about the two hotties that hasn’t been said.
Ella is still a smoking hot goddess who is way, way too good for Mitch and Mitch is still confused about whether or not he’s single… Spoiler alert: you’re not, Mitch. You’re actually married lol.
Anyway, Mitch took Ella on a jetski, then out for lunch, then they had an awkward chat about the Gold Coast. I hated it. Get out now, Ella! You deserve so much better!
Samantha and Al
Joyous party boy and Australia’s son Al finally let his hostage wife Samantha leave this week. Samantha once put Andrew (remember that dickhead?) as the hottest in the experiment, so this was never going to work.
I did a shoey in Al’s memory.
Tamara and Brent
Ooooooft. God. The only thing I like about Tamara and Brent is Brent. This couple is a mess on top of a mess on top of a mess.
This week for their final date, Brent took Tamara to pet puppies. CUTE! Then he took her on a boat and made her walk the plank lol just kidding (I wish!).
On the boat, Tamara told her husband that he’s “too sensitive” and that only girls can be sensitive. It was like being stuck in a bad 80s film with the bitchy cheerleader.
She then accused him of being just a waiter, when she is in fact just an office worker in real estate on the Gold Coast.
He basically dove into the ocean and swam away, leaving her to bitch about the salad that was served to her.
Olivia and Jackson
Oh. My. God. OMFG. Where to begin. So, the experts made Domenica and Jack write Olivia and Jackson a note to say where their relationship has f*cked up. Good lord, you’d need a thesis for that, but I digress.
Dom and Jack rightfully say that Olivia seems like she has codependency issues. Olivia finds this… insanely hilarious. Like, cackles in Jackson’s face whilst he looks like he’s learning to astral project to get away from this situation.
Then Domenica and Jack suggest Jackson spend a night away from Olivia.
Jackson looks stoked. He goes to the gym, has a nice time.
Olivia on the other hand, does a face mask and stares blankly at a wall for hours before having a full mental breakdown arguing she isn’t codependent even though 12 hours away from her TV husband has made her even more unhinged than normal.
She wears the facemask like it’s Jackson’s actual skin and screams at him when he walks through the door.
We don’t even get to see their final date and I assume it’s because it happened in their apartment with their bedroom door closed where Olivia can monitor every single thing Jackson does.
And that’s where we are.
IT’S TIIIIIIMMEEEEEEE!
We open on our couples. Some happy, some not so much.
Domenica and Jack play in a dog park, Selina and Cody question everything and Mitch and Ella pointlessly fish in Sydney Harbour whilst Ella wonders what the hell Mitch even wants.
Mitch catches seaweed making it about as successful a fishing trip as their relationship is.
Back at Skye Suites, Brent and Tamara are still arguing. They’ve been arguing since their wedding, make it stop. Brent has ripped the nametag off their door which Tamara refers to as “dramatic.” Doll, stop.
It’s time to check in on Jackson and Olivia.
We thought that we had skipped their final date because Olivia had chained Jackson to the bed, but alas, it seems we are all being punished because we didn’t skip it. We now have to suffer through it, and it was even more sh*t than we could have imagined.
Jackson has remembered that Olivia likes food and being pampered. Olivia is blown away that Jackson can remember that like it’s really different and unique things to be into.
In a rented Airbnb, there are close to 500 white roses and a beautiful bath just for Olivia. Jackson is going to cook her dinner whilst she relaxes — it’s a hard life making up rumours, lying and outing other people’s nudes. She deserves the RnR…………………..
After a relaxing bath, Jackson then corners Olivia and demands to know if she will be horrible to his friends (yes) and if that will be a problem (yes). Jackson says he’s had friends hate his girlfriends before and it results in them breaking up.
Olivia says that of course she’s had issues with past boyfriend’s friends before (ya kidding), but it’s not a big deal. She doesn’t need to have them in her life (read: she will make Jackson leave his friendship group).
There are so many red flags here, I can’t even stomach it anymore. Jackson must be colourblind.
IT’S BOYS AND GIRLS NIIIIIGHT!
The participants all get invited to “Boys’ Night” and “Girls’ Night”. The voiceover tells us it’s an important part of the experiment, but we’re all reading between the lines — boys and girls night means one thing: DRAMAAAAAA.
How do we know there’s drama?
Well, all the ex-participants are invited. Who will cheat? Who will yell? Who will do a shoey? (Al).
With all the returning couples, it’s to the surprise of literally no one that babeh Al is farken excited. He says he’s “missed all the boys” (Sam, who?!). And I mentally prepare myself for the worm, the robot, the shoey and maybe a swamp dive too.
While getting ready, some of the couples wonder if cheaters Daniel and Carolina will join the ranks of the betrothed… surely not?!
But, there’s no time to wonder for too long, because Jackson is only allowed on day release, so it’s time for Boys’ Night to officially begin.
In another unsuspecting Sydney neighbourhood, it’s Girls’ Night, and the mood seems a little more sombre as half the group hate one another.
Olivia is ironically dressed in her best poo-coloured dress so finger’s crossed she’s hacked it to pieces by the end of the night.
Things get underway early for the Girls’ Night…
Ella asks Tamara what exactly it is that Brent does for a living and Tamara says, “I have no idea. I dunno. I think he’s just a hospo person.” She’s so charming and lovely, and says it in front of a waiter — so full of tact.
Funny though, because they’re actually at the ”hospo” venue Brent manages… and he ain’t nowhere to be seen!
Boys’ Night starts with the boys wondering which of their buddies will make a comeback. Dion or Daniel?
Everyone says that they’ll obviously back fabulous jacket-wearing Dion if Daniel makes an appearance.
Dion tells the camera he has no idea where Carolina is, and if she’s with Daniel. “I doubt it.”
Then, from the depths of the gym, Daniel and Carolina appear.
“Surprise, we’re still together!”
Anyway, Dumb and Dumber tell us how in love they are, how much they thought everyone was dramatic at the Commitment Ceremony, blah blah blah.
You know who else is back? Holly! HOOOOLLLLYYYY. Queen Chaos Holly. Manifesting a better life for herself, Holly has no disgraceful redheaded Texan called Andrew anymore.
“No more disgusting husband bringing me down,” as she so eloquently puts.
Last we saw Holly, she was reading a speech she wrote out loud, and Olivia was gaslighting her. So, this should be a comfortable reunion, said no one ever!
Holly is the first evictee to enter the bar, followed closely by “has she ever really smiled” Kate. Samantha comes in next, but she’s been out of the experiment for about 30 seconds, barely enough time to let Al finish a shoey so no big news there.
Selin is getting ready to enter the feeding zone. And she is READY for it!
Selin says she’s “here for the drama”. Girl, get in line. Me too.
After sitting down with the gals, Selin tries to get the tea about the cast… over and over and over.
“Tell me about the retreat!” Selin asks, while the producers slip her an extra $1k every time she stirs sh*t up.
Crickets.
No one wants to bring up the infamous glass-smashing incident.
Selin, in her “evil eye” necklace, worn to protect herself from the group and her perfectly polite ex-husband, tries to get the girls’ attention but is widely ignored, even when she taps a glass bottle against her glass.
Tamara, who at this point in the night is about 24 cocktails deep, yells at Selin. She’s annoyed that Selin has no consideration for what the rest of the couples have gone through.
Lol, Tamara, you’ve put your husband through the wars, maybe it’s time to stop victimising yourself?
Over at Boys’ Night, Anthony enters.
“I’ve got so much happening, I’ve actually had to work,” says Anthony. Lol, before noticing a huge gaping hole in the group….
“Where is my godson?” he asks Brent.
Al slowly descends on the venue.
It’s only been two episodes, but I’ve missed Al. He’s Australia’s son, nephew, cousin.
He immediately gets on the floor and does the “worm” and wiggles his way to the boys.
Whilst the boys have a lovely catch up with Al and Anthony, Tamara and Selin continue to go at it.
Selin says, “Stop yelling at me! I’m not Brent.”
HAHA! It’s like Selin has been a fly on the wall. Incredible.
The two continue to smash cocktail after cocktail and yell at each other at who has the better relationship.
Ladies, ladies. You both had terrible relationships. Let it go.
Then, like the mean girls they are — Olivia, Tamara and Samantha giggle at Selin’s expense.
Behaving like literal teenage a*sholes, they sit in a corner and talk about Selin, just loudly enough for her to hear.
Frankly, Selin, who was 10000000% paid to start sh*t, is completely unfazed by these idiots and just munches on a wrap.
Back to da boiz….
Next to enter Boys’ Night is fabulous jacketed Dion. The boys seem genuinely stoked to see him, and so am I. He is like the human equivalent of ASMR, he is so calming.
Over at Girls’ Night, they discuss if Jess or Carolina will come back.
As though she wasn’t waiting in the wings to hear her name, Jess enters.
I had forgotten who Jess was TBH, but she seems like a troublemaker and God knows there’s not enough of those on our screens.
The group ask Jess if she knows about the cheating scandal. She gets filled in. Her husband of one night hooked up with gym loving Carolina.
Jess has to “absorb” the scandal. Even though she barely knows Daniel she says, “she doesn’t seem like his type.” As if they were together for ten years.
Across town, Daniel gets ready to enter the lions’ den.
Why, Daniel?! Just do an Andrew: Disappear forever.
Daniel enters.
Al, master of expressions, looks flabbergasted and uses a word I think he’s just learned.
“It’s going to be a hostile environment for him.”
He is not wrong.
The group turn on Daniel. They’ve all befriended Dion. They’ve worn his fabulous jackets and hats, FFS!
“Did you message her first?”
“Yes.”
Oh, no.
Daniel rationalises his cheating by saying that Carolina never wanted to be more than friends with Dion.
He tells the group him and Carolina have been together 24/7 since the experiment and then confirms that they’ve had sex.
Oh, boy. This is messy.
Then, it’s Dion’s turn.
“You said everything you wanted to say?” He asks Daniel, who is wearing a shirt that shows off his nipples.
“I’m going to teach you a couple of lessons in life,” King Dion says across the table.
“The way you’ve handled yourself is truly disgusting and disrespectful.”
The lesson continues…
“The way I see it, Carolina, she threw out a diamond and she picked up a rock,” he says like a King.
“C’mon Dion, it’s not an awards’ ceremony. We don’t need big elaborate speeches,” Daniel says.
Oh, Daniel. Mate. Go back to what you know: YouFoodz and the gym.
The boys are rightfully disgusted with Daniel. He is smug. Smug AF.
“I’d do it all over again the exact same way, a hundred times over.”
Oh my GOD Daniel, have you ever met people before? Go back to being an uncle, it’s the only thing you’re good at.
Somewhere, in a cocktail bar across Sydney, his gym loving girlfriend Carolina is entering Girls’ Night.
It’s an icy welcome.
It’s time for the girls to confront Carolina now.
Carolina says that she and Daniel are “officially boyfriend and girlfriend” like it’s grade eight.
After about 74 cocktails, Tamara is the one to say her piece, yet again.
“It wasn’t just a TV show for Dion, and he was very hurt.”
I’m sorry, did Tamara forget the part where she told her husband he “just waited tables” and that she had an “actual career”? Speaking of disrespect.
Tamara continues to go off, whilst gently mixing her cocktail and trying to get the dregs. It’s a lot of yelling, I don’t know whose side to take. I feel like I’m getting contact drunk.
Tamara says, “it’s not just MY PRESPECTIVE.” When Selin, bravely, corrects her, “it’s perspective.”
God, let this night end.
Back at Boys’ Night, and sh*t is not faring any better.
Mitch is about 26 beer bongs and shoeys deep.
Daniel tries to join the group, but it’s too little to late.
Mitch, the gentleman and ally that he is, tells Daniel that he thinks he’s just “in love with the p*ssy, brah”.
A poet, a Hemingway.
Mitch goes on. About nothing, to be fair.
He keeps saying “oi brah, you all good brah, you’re not wiggin’ are ya brah” and then a whole lot of drunken nonsense.
At this point, the bar needs to be cut off, the cameras need to be cut off.
Daniel says he’s out, and then calls Mitch a d*ckhead. Fair.
Mitch, who’s on one at this point, leans over and goes, “get outta here brah, I’ll have ya fkn wine too brah.”
This show is lowering my IQ dangerous amounts at this point.
“Stop talking about me girl like that, you don’t know nothin’.”
This is pathetic.
“Yeah get outta here brah you’re a peasant and a clown,” Mitch calls after Daniel.
Daniel says his blood is boiling.
“He’s scum, who does that?!”
To be honest, at this point in the experiment — they’re all a case of pot calling the kettle a cooked idiot.
Jack comes back, after taking the world’s longest piss.
“What did I miss??”
At this point, I wish I had been Jack in the bathroom.
Until next week, I have to go read an encyclopedia or watch a documentary to get back my IQ points.
Watch Married at First Sight Australia on Sundays at 7.00 pm and Monday – Wednesday at 7.30 pm on Channel Nine.
Want even more goss? Listen to episode 163 of the So Dramatic! podcast with Megan Pustetto below!
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