We’re BAAAAACK. It’s episode 11 of The Bachelorette Australia 2021. The penultimate episode. The semi-finals.
For finale week, we have Prince of Persia Darvid, I Can’t Believe She’s Still Here and I Have No Nickname For Her Jamie Lee, and Holly from Marketing 2.0.
We open with a beautiful Kween Brooke waiting for Prince of Persia in a perfect white knit. Darvid appears in a KAYAK dragging ANOTHER KAYAK. Darvid says he is an “outdoorsy adventurous guy”. LOL FML.
We don’t know a huge amount about Darvid. He rides lawnmowers. He’s really fkn hot. And his mother absolutely adores Brisbane, like weirdly so.
The Prince of Persia and Kween Brooke have a beautiful date kayaking down a river talking about outdoorsy sh*t like how much they like horse riding and abseiling and frankly, other stuff only outdoorsy people like.
Once they are done floating down a river, they go QUAD BIKING. OhmyGOD no. More activities. Kween Brooke is stooookeeedddd. She loves quad bikes, Darvid loves quad bikes. The whole thing is a waking nightmare.
Kween Brooke takes off leaving Prince of Persia in the dust (is that quad bike talk?!). He says she looks hot and goes fast. Fkn let it end.
IT’S WINE AND CHEESE TIIIIMEEE!!
Here’s a riddle for you: is it really a Bachelor season if there isn’t a hot tub?!
Prince of Persia and Kween Brooke cozy into a hot tub and instead of having hot tub chats like “more champagne?” and “What is your favourite song to dance to?” They talk geography.
Prince of Persia’s mum in the last episode made it pretty bloody clear that Darv is being removed off the will if he moves to Melbourne. He tries to make her hate Melbourne by going, “it’s cold there.”
Kween Brooke calls this their “roadblock”.
I have a feeling that Darvid’s mum is in the bushes giving him instructions or threatening to burn the will because he remains as stoic as ever.
Brooke doesn’t want to do long-distance, Darv lives on the same street as his mum and he will not change that. WEIRD.
Next is Jamie Lee’s final date.
I don’t know much about Jamie Lee except that they’ve almost definitely hooked up before. Her storyline has been a lot of letters read out loud and a really long kiss with Australia’s Favourite Dad, Osher, yelling at them.
Jamie Lee greets Kween Brooke with the promise of a fun day. I’m relieved to note that neither is in activewear and that there’s no Kissing Coach Osher waiting for them.
The pair are going on a hike. Good lord. This is what COVID has left us with. Hikes in white jeans. Jamie Lee gives Kween Brooke a backpack and the two set off bush.
A quick cooooeeee and we have basically experienced grade eight camp.
Jamie-lee and Kween Brooke “hike” (walk) to a picnic set up in the bush. Jamie Lee says that she even ditched her Gucci sneakers for the date. Fkn LOL! I love her.
The producers Jamie Lee has set up a lovely picnic and a disassembled tent? A tent? To not sleepover in? Okaaaayyyyy.
The two get to work setting up the tent (kind of badly) and have a nice time. It’s quite sweet. They laugh a lot. Jamie Lee is being the most personable this season. They share a burger and it’s just… nice.
IT’S WINE AND CHEESE TIIIIIME!!!
Kween Brooke and Jamie Lee have a discussion regarding their future. They bring up kids which have become Brooke’s favourite subject for the last two episodes. OMFG. Jamie Lee says she wants between one to three kids.
I’m sorry but when Holly from Marketing 2.0 said she only wanted one kid last episode, she was dragged through the coals but Brooke nods along satisfied. I am le confused.
Kween Brooke asks Jamie Lee what her friends thought of her. Jamie Lee assures her that they liked her (unlike Darvid’s mum).
Jamie Lee apologies for the last goodbye. TBF, it was truly fkn awkward.
But, finally, she drops a bombshell.
Jamie Lee reveals she is in love with Kween Brooke and the pair kiss. I mean, I’m smiling like a goose. Is anyone else?
I hadn’t previously liked the Jamiee Lee storyline, but here we are. I believe in love again.
Next up is HOLLY FROM MARKETING 2.0. And being the last date of the evening, we smell a rat. Something BIG is about to go down.
Holly and Kween Brooke had an awkward goodbye last time because Holly said she might not want kids and might not want to move to Perth. Seems reasonable enough however, this is reality television and “reason” is a six-letter word we don’t use around here.
Holly from Marketing 2.0 greets Kween Brooke in double denim. God knows how this woman pulls off double fkn denim, yet here we are.
Holly from Marketing 2.0 and Kween Brooke is at the Sydney Dance Company. Their first moment involved dance, so we have come full circle.
The pair sit in a private theatre and watch as two female ballerinas dance.
Holly becomes that annoying person who explains everything they’re watching. They whisper to each other the way you do in a cinema when you’re 13 and think you’re being quiet.
Holly from Marketing 2.0 tells Kween Brooke that this dance is normally performed between a man and a woman however she had requested it be changed. Oh, f*ck. Holly. You really are a gem.
IT’S WINE AND CHAT TIIIIIIME!!!!!
Holly from Marketing 2.0 and Kween Brooke settle in to talk about the elephant in the room. It’s in the shape of the 17 kids that Brooke wants and the zero that Holly wants. This feels ominous.
Kween Brooke asks Holly from Marketing 2.0 if she sees kids in her future. Holly says something completely reasonable about never having pictured it but now that she’s met Brooke perhaps she could change it.
Brooke quizzes, “how many?” and Holly honestly says “one” but that it’s not in the immediate future.
While it’s Holly’s right to have as many kids as she damn well pleases, this edit is giving Holly from Marketing 2.0 villain vibes. It’s… weird.
Holly from Marketing 2.0 is then accosted about whether or not she’d move to Perth.
Kween Brooke has some loose plans to maybe move to Perth in 15 years time and she wants to know if she should reserve Holly a seat. They’re selling fast.
Holly from Marketing 2.0 is like… Woah, hold on. We haven’t even slept together yet. Or something to that effect. More along the lines of “Perth is fkn ages away and you don’t even seem that sold on the idea.”
The mood shifts from awkward to emotional.
I am so torn.
Kween Brooke has been amazing all season, but I think this edit is becoming very in her favour, maybe to the discredit of Holly.
Holly is being completely reasonable. Brooke is being completely reasonable. Queer people are so much more reasonable than their hetero compadres.
Kween Brooke ends up storming away.
Holly from Marketing 2.0 breaks down. I want to hug her. As a childless 32-year-old, these conversations and honest conversations are important.
She has been completely open on commercial television at the behest of her possibly losing someone she’s falling in love with. This sh*t is hard.
Without Australia’s favourite dad, Osher, they allow Holly from Marketing 2.0 and Kween Brooke to say farewell. There’s no dramatic music. There’s no servo rose.
Holly is given the grace of an actual goodbye like a normal person.
During her final interview, Holly faces the camera. She says: “To say I’m sad would only make me sound silly.” I want to hold her. Hug her even. Sadness is valid regardless of what anyone else thinks.
And that’s it. There’s no rose ceremony. There’s no Uber ride home.
Holly from Marketing 2.0 is just whisked away by the producers.
Until tomorrow, where…. What the ACTUAL FUCK (!!!!!) Abbie Chatfield (the one who is now openly dating KONRAD WITH A K) is moonlighting as Kween Brooke’s friend!
Is that a chilli margarita I can taste? Because things are about to get fkn spicy!!!
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