It’s The Bachelorette Australia 2021 episode nine and we open to sunrise at Le Chateau.
Australia’s Favourite Dad, Osher, greets the brother-sister-wives with Kween Brooke and announces it’s their last ever group date and they’re not in activewear! WIN!!!!!! (For me).
Osher tells the group that they’ll be doing art. Oh, fk that. If I’m bad with kids, I’m even worse at art.
Loveable Oaf Kurt announces he’s “terrible” at art…. this does not surprise me. But he is good at being a very good boy.
Konrad with a K says that both his parents are artists, which also does not surprise me…
Kween Brooke goes into the room before the brother-sister-wives. She tells the camera that she is going to “bare it all”. Like, all of it.
She is going to be the life nude for the subject of art. She says that each time a woman is naked they’re sexualised. Everything Brooke says it’s poignant, she is a goddess.
It’s very beautiful and significant.
Prince of Persia Darvid says that he’s looking to the future. Everyone is so focused. Including Loveable Oaf Kurt.
But then disaster. Kurt forgets how to make the colour grey. THE ACTUAL COLOUR GREY. Like, mix BLACK AND WHITE. Christ. Get absolutely f*cked. Kurt.
Just when you couldn’t get any kuter you don’t know how to make grey.
He tells the camera that they should have given him “art lessons 101” because he is confused. “
I need to know the basics, like that… red and green make… yellow.” Oh, stop talking Kurty boy.
It’s time for Kween Brooke to see all their artworks. The other brother-sister-wives will look on and cringe at the other connections they’ve all made. It’s weird.
Holly from Marketing 2.0 is up first and reveals her fiery redhead painting. Kween Brooke looks on as though she’s your year nine art teacher.
“Okay. Talk to me,” she says.
One-by-one the brother-sister-wives show their paintings. None are too remarkable TBH.
Kween Brooke watches on and drills them with questions about how meaningful it is. F*ck this is awkward.
True to form, the Prince of Persia is charming and Loveable Oaf Kurt refers to him as a “silver tongue devil”. Everything Kurt says is a quote. He rules.
Konrad with a K is up next. His artwork is VERY impressive.
Kween Brooke is impressed as well.
The others… are not. He starts naming their children for her (weird), and Brooke is absolutely frothing at the mouth.
Prince of Persia, for the first time, seems nervous and Holly from Marketing 2.0 is fidgeting. The incredibly kool, kalm, and kollected Konrad with a K has really rocked the boat.
As a surprise to precisely no one, Konrad with a K gets extra time with Kween Brooke.
Brooke calls him extremely handsome and then asks what their future would look like. Yes, Konrad. What would our future look like???
And then… chaos.
Konrad with a K has quit karpentary. So, what? The love seat was a LIE, KONRAD?! YOU CAN’T MAKE ME FURNITURE?!
Konrad with a K says he’s a free spirit and wants to find something that gives him fulfilment.
Kween Brooke asks what that would look like and then there’s a huge pause. HUGE.
I think that Konrad is about to say something really deep. Instead, he just shrugs.
“Making people happy makes me happy so maybe I could make an income like that.” Fuuuuuu*k!
Oh. My. Fkn. God. Brooke. RUN. FOR THE HILLS. This is… not good. He’s just outed himself as a 31-year-old f*ck boi. Kween Brooke looks astounded as she watches on as this man-baby digs his own grave.
Look, we already know how this plays out. Konrad with a K was recently spotted kissing Abbie Chatfield so the alarm bells are ringing. Was this ALL FOR A BLUE TICK?! WHAT WAS THE LOVE SEAT THEN?!
And then it’s all over. Goodbye Konrad. We’ll always have our love seat.
IT’S SINGLE DATE TIIIIIIIME!!!!
Prince of Persia Darvid, you’ll remember, gave Kween Brooke a bunch of roses at last night’s cocktail party and his really original gesture won him the last single date.
The pair make feet wine and squish grapes.
They drink lots (not the one they made, thank God!) talk a lot of serious sh*t and make out a bunch. It’s finally a great date. Boring. But great!
IT’S COCKTAIL PARTY TIIIIIIME!!!
It’s time for Kween Brooke to get to the bottom of “looks like a f*ck boi, talks like a f*ck boi… he’s probably a f*ck boi” Konrad with a K’s bizarre life goals of just being “happy“.
She takes him to the scene of the crime. The fkn LOVE SEAT. The Best Supporting Character this season.
Kween Brooke, still f*cked off by his inability to commit to sh*t, asks him what their future would be.
Konrad with a K delivers the worst monologue in history. He says the word “super” a lot. “I’m super goal-driven. Super focused.” And then he tells Kween Brooke that he would: “let her sleep in. Not wake her up even with coffee,” before adding that he makes a really good breakfast burrito.
OMFG. Make it stop! MAKE! IT! STOP! A thousand hearts shatter around Australia. He’s not a loveable retriever. WTAF NETWORK TEN. WTAF!!!!!!
IT’S ROSE CEREMONY TIIIIIIIME!
Australia’s Favourite Dad, Osher, enters the room (I won’t say anything pertaining to his whereabouts!) and does rose maths. Six brother-sister-wives, four roses.
I swear, if she chooses Konrad over King Kurt I will flip this fkn table and send her the bill for damages.
It’s down to 22-year-old Millie, Konrad with a K and Loveable Oaf Kurt and I have a BAD FEELING.
Konrad with a K gets the final servo rose.
Kurt, still trying to figure out where he is, will now be yeeted from the mansion.
Kween Brooke cries, and Kurt comforts her. Oh my god, this MAN. IS AN ANGEL.
Kween Brooke walks Kurt to his Uber and says that she’s sorry. He then says, “why are you sorry? We just didn’t work out! That’s cool!” Oh my god, I love him. Then he says that they’ll still be friends and then invites her out for coffee. OMG STOPPPPPPPP!
And that’s it. He drives off into the sunset. Don’t mind me, just changing my Hinge settings to Sydney solely to find Loveable Oaf Kurt.
Next up, hometowns. But nothing matters anymore.
Goodbye King Kurt. Put your grey scale-out for the oaf, forever in our hearts.
Until part deux….
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