Even though I’m still catching my breath from last night, we’re back.
It’s episode two of the jarringly wholesome season of The Bachelorette Australia 2021 starring everyone’s favourite little sister, Kween Brooke.
We open at Le Chateau where the guys and gals (still so exciting to say that) are sitting around looking absolutely fkn freezing. They’re putting Dan Andrews’ spray jacket collection to shame!
Holly from Marketing 2.0 emerges with the first of the group date cards. Us sad Bach fans know that this is going to be the humiliating group photoshoot, but the brother-sister-husband-wives feign ignorance.
Holly from Marketing 2.0 slowly reads out the first name. Surprise surprise, it’s Jamie-Lee. You’ll remember her from last night as being a Bach alumni and also pashing on with Kween Brooke at the cocktail party.
Jamie-Lee muses that the first name probably means something, like yeah babe you already pashed…
Konrad with a K is absolutely desperate to have his name called. He is literally white-knuckling it. Play it kool, Konrad. Holly from Marketing 2.0 reads out more names than I think are people in the house. Seriously, is anyone left?!
Every single Le Chateau resident (I’m sure of it) gets shipped off and told that it’s going to be the inaugural photoshoot where one person will be humiliated, one will look sexy, and the rest will have a print copy of their embarrassment on newsstands tomorrow. Woohoo!!!
The theme of this years’ humiliating photoshoot is holidays. Jamie-Lee, Ken doll Kurt and Ritu.
Kurt starts doing push-ups and sit-ups in the makeup room for no explicit reason. I have a feeling he’s going to be a peculiar nuisance this season.
Kween Brooke looks amazing and Jamie-Lee is given the role of “lifesaver” which is fitting because she’s already given Brooke mouth-to-mouth. Kurt floats around on a flamingo looking absolutely divine but please, Kurt, stop talking.
Jamie-Lee and Kween Brooke get close during the shoot and the other two become largely unimportant as the two pose like they’re going to a swimsuit themed prom.
Jamie-Lee tells the camera that it’s already over, everyone else should give up. I love a woman with confidence but this sort of edit makes me think that maybe maaaayybeeeeee Jamie-Lee is signing her second-place certificate.
Next up is Seat Stealer Jess and Konrad with a K.
Konrad and Jess have beef because at the first cocktail Konrad (Brooke) made a chair and Jess sat on the chair. It was a whole thing.
Anyway, seatgate has caused absolute tension on set and the two act like primary school students who pull each other’s hair because they actually like each other.
Either these two are going to hate each other openly or have hate sex and fall in love. Both I will enjoy.
During the shoot, Seat Stealer Jess somehow manages to sidle Konrad with a K off his chair. This woman is unbelievable. Either she has the sorest legs in the world or incredibly powerful energy, either way — Jess knows how to get the seat she wants.
Konrad with a K, looks over and sees Seat Stealer Jess now perched gently on Kween Brooke’s lap. He then says he has to, “go big”.
My whole body tenses up. Is Konrad going to suggest a threesome? Oh my god, thank god. He just asks for Brooke’s hand in marriage. Very kool.
Next holiday is Halloween.
Kween Brooke is looking insanely hot, but Triple Threat Beau is more concerned about himself. Brooke even says, “last night he just kind of drifted around and pouted, I wonder what he’ll do today.” Just when I thought I couldn’t love this woman anymore.
Anyway, SPOILER ALERT! Triple Threat Beau just kind of drifts in the background and pouts. Like a lot.
Kween Brooke calls him out for it and asks if he’s pouting. Looooollllll. She rules.
Brooke is dressed in basically lingerie but all the boys are so self-obsessed they don’t even notice.
Brooke tells the camera that all the boys are just into themselves. Welcome to dating boys, Brooke. It sucks around here.
The final holiday is New Years’ Eve. It’s Holly from Marketing 2.0 and Kween Brooke without anyone else. Brooke is in a power suit and Holly is in another sultry red dress. A moment of silence for the wardrobe people, they are Patricia Field-ing this season! This is some Sex and the City level of epic.
The pair slow dance… again. In any other season I’d be sick of this but I stan these two. Dance all night, ladies! I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Literal fireworks erupt and the two discuss that they want to kiss. KISS! KIISSSSSSS! I yell at the TV, only vaguely remembering Captain Jimmy and Abbie 1.5 aka Lily pashing in last season’s photoshoot was met with absolute disdain from the other contestants.
And in true (new) Bachelorette fashion, the two have a consensual kiss on the cheek, and I clutch my pearls. You go, girls!
IT’S SINGLE DATE TIIIIIIIIME!!!!!!!
Due to the non-diversity white rose of the previous cocktail party, we have no awkward card reading and a bevvie of people pretending to be stoked for their competitor. Nope. This time we just have Prince of Persia Darvid looking like an Abercrombie model being whisked away in a helicopter.
I am literally giddy. If this had been any other season I’d be like, “helicopter?! Real original guys.” This time I’m like, “OH MY GOD A HELICOPTER?! WHAT THE HELL?! THAT IS EPIC!” My brain is melting.
Kween Brooke and the Prince of Persia go to the Blue Mountains. It’s cold, they’re hot. They have a date where they dangle off the side of a mountain and talk about their feelings. It’s so cute.
The freezing cold pair are then delivered hot choccies by an aerial waiter. The dapper gentleman scales the cliff and gives Kween Brooke and the Prince of Persia a sweet treat, before Brooke gives one of her own. She awards Darvid a rose. The pair kiss. It’s sweet. It’s really believable. My icy heart melts.
IT’S COCKTAIL PARTY TIIIIIIME!
Emily (who?!) declares that those who didn’t attend the group date can get alone time with Kween Brooke first. Okay, what?! I thought literally everyone was on that date? Who is Emily? Anyway, Emily is very angry.
Kween Brooke enters in another power suit. This time it’s lime green. I mean, someone get this woman a job on Wall Street in the 80s, she has it down pat. She takes aside MC Matt and Emily accepts this, because apparently what she thinks matters.
But wait, what’s this?! All of a sudden it’s not MC Matt busting out another shit rap we have to be worried about but the Prince of Persia himself. Darvid! He has broken the cardinal sin of, ummmmm, talking to his potential girlfriend?!
He asks for Kween Brooke’s attention, and Emily is seeing red (and it’s not just Holly from Marketing 2.0’s third red dress in two episodes).
Kween Brooke and the Prince of Persia have a nice chat (because Darvid wants to be kept “top of mind”) and Emily is seething in the background.
When Darvid comes back to the group Emily yells at him saying, “It seems like you’re only here for Brooke” and he says really calm things like, “I am only here Brooke.” Darvid seems so unphased, nothing seems to ruffles him.
Whilst the boys and girls yell at each other, Holly from Marketing 2.0 whisks Kween Brooke away. They look really close, and Jamie-Lee, refusing to cop the clinger edit, says things like: “you’d expect me to be mad but I’m just in awe.”
The pair very nearly kiss for the third time and Brooke gives Holly an early rose.
I’m confused because I still remember girls being called Brooke and Holly as nemesis but then I remember this is not Captain Jimmy’s season and that this is a whole new series.
IT’S ROSE CEREMONY TIIIIIIMEEEE!!
I’d like to take this opportunity to say that even though we haven’t seen much of her, Ritu is in attendance, wearing in traditional garb and looks absolutely stunning. It doesn’t feel tokenistic. This whole season has been done so tastefully so far, please don’t f*ck this up Warner Bros.
Kween Brooke reads out each name, whilst Emily acts completely unhinged. I hate to tell ya this Emily…
But Emily is saved and Triple Threat Beau is sent home.
Maybe it was something to do with telling a stranger he was going to keep her pics for his own “personal stash”? Or maybe it was his inability to pout. Note to men everywhere: don’t try that at home.
Until next week…
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