We’re back! Kind of! It’s The Bachelorette Australia 2021! This is like a sequel but it will actually be good?! Like The Godfather Part II and The OC season 2, this is a second season that will actually outshine the first.
We’re back, we’re woke, and we’re finally fkn excited.
We open with Australia’s favourite dad, Osher introducing Brooke Blurton. Our new Bachelorette who shall be henceforth known as the queen of our hearts.
In the twenty years of this godforsaken franchise we’ve never had
diversity a bisexual Bachelor or Bachelorette.
In our introduction to Brooke, we are forced to sit through a flashback with He Who Must Not Be Named. There’s a montage reel of their season together including when she rejects him like the KWEEN she is.
Brooke then tells us that this time she’s here to find love. Before we are subjected to yet another rejection flashback story: Bachelor in Paradise and her brief romance with Alex Nation.
There was the franchise’s first bisexual kiss and then Brooke being spectacularly dumped for some a**hole named Bill Goldsmith AKA Dog Park Bill. I’m triggered. Brooke starts crying. Oh my god. I’m crying. Australia is crying. When Brooke sheds one tear the nation mourns a thousand.
As with the beginning of any great love story, we meet Brooke’s brother Troy and their really cute dog. And for the first time ever in this franchise I care less about the dog and more about the star of the show.
What has happened?! While Captain Jimmy just had a flashy house, Brooke has a beautiful and supportive family. Brooke has literally broken me. I love her, we all love her. The dog is second fiddle, this is Brooke’s show now… the way it was actually meant to be.
Brooke’s brother does a beautiful soliloquy about her mum being proud of her.
Cry count: 3.
After meeting with her brother, Brooke tells us that she is proud to be a representative of both the queer and the Indigenous community. She’s the first of both to be on our screens as the star.
She walks down the beach in a lime green turtleneck skivvy. The only other person to ever have pulled this lewk off was Anthony from The Wiggles.
She talks about her search for love. My heart starts to rebuild. Brooke is beautiful, honest, open. She’s humble and hopeful. God, I f*cking love her.
Then it’s finally time. We meet Australia’s favourite dad, Osher on the red carpet who is joined by three members of the Indigenous community. Brooke arrives to the sounds of a didgeridoo and clapping sticks — looking a billion and one bucks. There is a Welcome to Country. Brooke cries. The nation collectively weeps.
Cry count: 4.
And now… guys, gals and non binary pals. We meet our first ever same sex love interest in this godforsaken franchise. In the form of Holly from Marketing 2.0.
Onto the red carpet steps a dress as sparkly as the sky and as red as my anger for the past seasons. It’s Holly. She’s blonde. She’s 27. She does marketing. But, she isn’t Holly Kingston?!
Holly from Marketing 2.0 approaches our Kween Brooke. They have a beautiful introduction and Holly does nothing tacky like crawl on all fours or bring out fortune cards with her dressed as a horny cowgirl.
Instead, she asks Brooke for a dance. The two sway to a bootleg copyright free Etta James. My heart sings. Brooke’s heart beats a thousand miles a minute. The sexual tension is so thick that you could cut it with a knife. What is happening?!?! Am I believing in love?!?! Pack it up now, ladies and gentleman!
Holly from Marketing 2.0 disappears into our favourite destination — Le Chateau. I have forgotten I’m here for several boys and girls vying for Bachie Brooke’s heart. That is until there’s the faint roar of an engine is heard and I am brought back down to earth.
Oh that’s right, there are more contestants to deal with, and one apparently loves motorbikes. Except he doesn’t! This man is on a ride-on-mower going so slowly I could crawl faster wearing a sexy AF sparkly jacket and Spanx.
Is he here to serve drinks? No! It’s Darvid. Darvid is hot, like HOT hot. Holly from Marketing who? Be still my beating heart! Darvid has arrived!
Kween Brooke asks if he’s a Persian prince and just like the start of a Disney movie, he asks her to join him for tea.
He takes out his genie lamp and says that she had three wishes but one of them was used because he has appeared tonight. Okay, kind of tacky but I’m here for it.
He’s a “take them home to meet the family” sorta guy if he left the genie lamp at home. Brooke looks smitten. That’s two for two, and I’m confused. This franchise normally leaves me feeling kind of empty, but right now I am hopeful! Time to re-download the dating apps and find my own Darvid/Holly/Brooke/Osher mashup.
Next up is Beau and makes me remember why I hate this show.
Beau is a photographer and 34. His age is important because he says things like “cute AF” at least three times and calls Kween Brooke “Brookie, Brookie.”
He says that he’s a photographer, carpenter AND a builder! A “Jack of all trades!” Australia’s answer to a triple threat.
Triple threat Beau asks Kween Brooke for an impromptu photoshoot, which isn’t creepy at all.
Brooke stands there like someone whose formal date drank too much whilst he takes a series of incredibly awkward photos. HELP!
He then tells Kween Brooke not to worry, these photos are for his own “personal stash.” Brooke gags. So do I. NEXT!
Enter stage left: Carissa. She’s a 30 year-old psychologist from the Gold Coast. In seasons past, the Gold Coast is an immediate red flag because… well… it would be, wouldn’t it? But Carissa is absolutely beautiful. She’s calm, collected, and armed with art. Not only is she armed with art but she’s armed with the biggest threat of all — the winner’s music.
Classy Carissa has painted something for Kween Brooke. She tells our Bachelorette a story — both her parents have tragically passed a way.
A rainbow had appeared at her mother’s funeral. Brooke says a rainbow appeared tonight when she was going to the red carpet. I have goosebumps. All romance novelists scribble down notes of how to tell a love story.
Classy Carissa has painted something for Kween Brooke. It’s a turtle whose shell is rainbow coloured. OH.MY.GOD. It’s to represent the universe and the queer community. I simply cannot.
Cry count: 5.
But nothing dries up tears (among other things) like an arrogant (I think?!) white guy with an incorrectly spelled name. Konrad joins the party. Konrad is spelled with a K because I’d like to buy a C to describe him. He’s dressed in fluro. He’s a chippy and he’s from Melbourne.
Konrad with a K has bought with him a chair from Bunnings that he lets Kween Brooke put together whilst he downs a VB and talks to his mates about why Jake Paul is an “alright bloke.”
It becomes clear why Brooke has been a little unlucky in love. Her radar for a**holes is broken because she’s captivated by Konrad with a K. Oh, no. Don’t let this be an Elly Miles and Frazer Neate storyline because my busted heart cannot deal with such mediocrity going all the way to the end.
Ryan is next. He’s dressed like a lawyer but apparently he’s a plumber. Do the producers know that there are people that aren’t tradies in this country?
After Ryan, we meet a montage of insignificant people, including Kurt who gives Kween Brooke a pair of togs, before we get a glimpse inside the waiting limos. In a world first, they have a boy and girl in each car. Some sit rather awkwardly, however, two seem to be getting a little flirty. Hmmmmmmm my spidey senses are tingling.
After several nervous poos, Matt jumps out of the car ready to do a rap for Kween Brooke. It’s…terrible.
“I don’t think I can rap,” he says. And yes, MC Matt. You’re right. You can’t!
Someone called Johan turns up dressed like Willy Wonka. He says “great” a lot and then for no apparent reason yeehaws into the night sky. Ok.
And then finally, the one we’ve actually been waiting for. It’s time for Jamie-Lee.
Here we fckn go! She’s a rumoured ex of Kween Brooke’s and definitely ex of He Who Must Not Be Named.
The two women met on Brooke’s first Bachie season and this time, Jamie-Lee a love note for Brooke. She seems genuine which is jarring because I’m used to anyone named “Jamie” on The Bachelorette being fkn unhinged.
Kween Brooke looks genuinely stoked to see the Good Jamie-Lee walking down the red carpet.
Jamie-Lee reads out the note she once wrote Brooke all those seasons ago. Brooke cries, Jamie cries. You know I haven’t stopped crying since we last saw Australia’s Favourite Dad, Osher.
Cry count: 6.
It’s COCKTAIL PARTY TIIIIIIMEEEEEE!
This has clearly been filmed in the dead of winter because everyone is crouched around a firepit.
Kurt shows everyone his ass for no apparent reason and Beau mooches in the background like tennis bad boy Nick Kygrios minus any semblance of charisma.
Jamie-Lee enters Le Chateau last and is instantly recognised by
producers Holly from Marketing 2.0.
When they’ve all joined the reality TV pyramid scheme dots together and realised who Jamie-Lee is, everyone is a little threatened. Perhaps Konrad with a K is the most because he says he’s getting “percolation in the stomach.” Lol, wut?! Pretty sure there’s a pill for that, babes!
Australia’s favourite dad, Osher appears and taps his wedding ring on a champagne flute! For some reason Osher’s brain goes defunct and he yells out “yehhhhhh boiiiiiiii”. Osh, I know you’re excited but calm down, mate. It’s only episode one.
Australia’s favourite dad, Osher tells everyone about the “First Impression Rose”. One lucky guy or girl will receive a rose, this time not from the servo, but from an actual florist. It’s white! (Lol guys c’mon). Whoever receives the non-diversity rose will also get the first date.
Kween Brooke enters the cocktail party on what can only be described as the world’s longest runway. Seriously, this runway is long enough for Captain Jimmy to use to land a Boeing.
She greets the contestants with a toast. I gently toast Brooke. I have nothing cynical to say, she is quite literally perfect.
It’s feeding time at the zoo. Everyone wants to meet and impress someone who’s actually decent. And instead of going fkn crazy like seasons past, everyone is actually intimidated by her. She approaches
the winner Classy Carissa first.
What follows next is a string of confident and beautiful women asking for Bachie Brooke’s time, and off to the sideline men intimidated by the confidence of women. Oh my God. I love this.
The women are all approaching their target with the grace of Audrey Hepburn whilst the boys gather around a fire looking like they’re about to sing a song at scout camp.
One of the guys refers to the group as “the lads” and my vagina seals shut. Then Konrad with a K talks about his love seat that Kween Brooke made whilst he stood on his phone making bets on the horses. He says that he wants to have his first chat with Brooke on it.
Thank god for the women in the house because one of them rightly tells him that without cushions it’s just a cold wooden bench. Eughhhhh. This love seat reminds me of when you go to a guy’s house and he has a mattress on the floor.
Konrad with a K throws a couple of Kmart cushions on it and stands back proudly looking on like it’s the goddamn Eiffel Tower. Kalm down Konrad.
It’s Jess’ (who?) turn talk to talk Kween Brooke. And in an instant, Jess goes from a nameless face in the crowd to my absolute hero. She knowingly walks over to Konrad with a K’s Eiffel Tower and plonks on it with Brooke.
The crowd goes absolutely wild. “THE AUDACTIY!!!!” Someone calls it a “dog act”. A DOG ACT! One step below being a “dog c*nt”. This season already has more drama than Captain Jimmy’s and it’s been 45 minutes.
Konrad with a K is so upset and actually, did I misjudge him? Could he actually be sweet?
Konrad interjects their chat and tells Bachie Brooke that the love seat she assembled was actually for their first conversation and not my new hero Jess’s. Brooke doesn’t really care, she’s got other things on her mind.
Jamie-Lee pulls Kween Brooke aside and they sit on an actual seat that wasn’t built by Brooke’s own hands.
They talk about “He Who Must Not Be Named” and admit that they’ve always liked each other. Holy shit this is tense. It’s all happening so fast!
And then….what would normally be out of bounds territory for a first episode, THEY MOTHER F*CKING MACK ON! Faaaarrkkkk someone call the fire brigade because this is hot!!!
After throwing a cold glass of water on myself, it’s time for Kween Brooke to hand out the non-diversity rose. Everyone thinks it’s going to Jamie-Lee. Brooke circles the party like a shark before (disappointingly) approaching a bench with four men sitting on it. If she gives it to triple threat Beau I’m turning off this TV.
But Bachie Brooke points to the Prince of Persia himself, Darvid. He might be dressed like he is in a jazz band at a wedding, but his lawn mowing ways have earned himself a date. Do not f*ck this up, Darvid. I repeat. Do not… f*ck… this up.
It’s ROSE CEREMONY TIIIIIMMMEEE!
Australia’s favourite dad, Osher, joins the party. It’s a historical event. The first ever rose ceremony with boys and girls. Bad news though! After Jamie-Lee’s pash with Kween Brooke, she’s shipped away to get a rapid COVID test but DW she’s already been gifted a servo rose and will live to pash another day.
Osher does rose maths.
13 roses, 14 people. One of Kween’s Brooke’s suitors will exit Le Chateau tonight, gaining a maximum of 100 new Instagram followers and a lifetime of “I went home first on The Bachelorette” stardom.
I personally hope it’s triple threat Beau because this season is full of surprises and maybe they’ll send a douche packing night one.
We aren’t so lucky. It’s Johan aka Willy Wonka. The Silly Wonka is gifted no rose, and no airtime. Sorry Johan. You seemed kind of weird and I wanted to hear another yeehawwwww!
Until tomorrow, this has been the first ever digestible Bachelorette episode in two years.
Thank the lord, and thank you more importantly to Kween Brooke. We are not worthy of your greatness, Your Highness.
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