It’s episode four of The Bachelorette Australia 2021 and tonight, we open at Le Chateau in all it’s two gendered grandness.
The brother-sister-wives are beyond stoked for Konrad with a K because he’s been granted a single date.
Konrad with a K has already had a plot twist. At first I thought he was a dopey tradie who let Kween Brooke build a chair for him. But, it turns out this is a loveable dopey tradie.
In fact, the whole Jess-stealing-his chair thing a.k.a #loveseatgate really worked in his favour and Konrad is just fkn kute.
Kween Brooke says that she heard this adorable giant loves motorbikes — because every Aussie tradie loves bikes, right?
Kween Brooke meets the brother-sister-wives at the mansion, while standing next to a black motorbike. Not only does she look insanely hot, it’s a far-cry from Captain Jimmy’s Tiffany.
Just like the unicorn he is, Konrad with a K is like a labrador puppy at the sight of both the Harley and Brooke. Le sigh.
It was all going really well until Konrad with a K says, “I’m six foot two and a hundred kilos”. Konrad, this isn’t a bad Tinder bio, this is a date with Kween Brooke, pull your goddamn head in!
We are then treated to a flashback of the last time Kween Brooke was on a date, on a bike. Yes, the time she and He Who Must Not Be Named rode along the streets of Sydney.
Brooke grimaces. I grimace. To quote the great Matt Agnew, “what a complete waste of time” that season was.
TBF, this date actually looks good.
Kween Brooke takes Konrad with a K to a day spa — the Konrad and Brooke Day Spa.
While Konrad calls himself an “onion with layers” and shakas with excitement, I am 100% all in. Konrad, call me!
As with any good spa, the couple massage one another before Konrad steals a cheeky kiss.
I have been all about the consent in this season so far, mainly from Holly from Marketing 2.0, but this felt natural. You go, Konrad!
The pair then put on clay masks and sip champagne. It’s all very “Treat Yo Self”, and somehow the pair claw the koncrete off their faces and then have a pash in the shower. Is it HAWT in here?!?
IT’S WINE AND CHEESE TIIIIIIIMEEEEE!
Oh. My. God. F*ck the date. Someone heard my call (whinge) yesterday and they goddamn provided cheese! It’s a really lacklustre platter but at this point I’ll take a Baby Bel and some twiggy sticks.
Kween Brooke and Konrad with a K have a really lovely and very honest discussion.
Brooke says Konrad is a big ol’ kutey and made her feel really special today. She cries. He cries. Brooke gives Konrad a servo rose and I cheers the screen! So kool for Konrad. I love him. Darvid who?
There are so many good characters this season, my head is spinning. One moment I’m team Prince of Persia, the next I want another blonde Holly from Marketing to take home the top prize. And now I want Konrad with a K — the six foot two one hundred kilo man/unicorn to win. What is going on?!
IT’S GROUP DATE TIIIIIME!!!!!
It’s time for another group date, and for this outing it’s at a go-kart. In other words, my absolute nightmare.
Emily Lollipop Earrings says that she can’t drive and me either. We have other skills, Emily! Like fab earrings and yelling at men for no reason.
The plan for the go-karts is to do a circuit before Australia’s Favourite Dad, Osher, gets the kids to do some of his chores. He’s spent too long in the Network 10 funded dungeon making yet another podcast and forgot to untangle the fairy lights, so the brother-sister-wives must do it for him.
The group gets into pairs and leaves Emily Lollipop Earrings out. But never fear, she will be partnered up with Kween Brooke. And she is… fkn stoked.
After completing the first lap, the teams are then forced to fold Australia’s Favourite Dad, Osher’s laundry whilst he yells at them like a drill sergeant. Tell me again why people sign up for this? It’s humiliating but I can’t stop watching.
After a lifetime of untangling fairy lights, Taje and Matt win but because this is Kween Brooke, no one from the winning team gets extra time with her. She makes her own rules, dammit!
Instead, Carissa with a C gets the W. Brooke chose her because she helped Emily Lollipop Earrings untangle the lights. It’s all a bit political.
Kween Brooke and Carissa with a C get some wine and cheese (!!!!), and have a chat. Brooke gives her a servo rose and the traditional servo rose kiss. But, drama. Brooke doesn’t reckon she was feeling it with that kiss. And now we’ve seen her kiss a bunch of the brother-sister-wives and all of them have been really hot so this is a red flag.
IT’S COCKTAIL PARTY TIIIIIIIMEEEEE
Kween Brooke enters looking smoking hot and everyone approaches her and starts asking for her time. Carissa with a C looks like she’s going to have a conniption. Calm down, Carissa. You’ve already got a servo rose.
Then, the unthinkable happens. Australia’s Favourite Dad, Osher does his number one flex and taps on the champagne flute with his wedding ring. He needs to have a little chat to Kween Brooke… like… now.
Kween Brooke and Australia’s Favourite Dad, Osher step to the side and Osh says all this sh*t about Brooke taking this seriously (remember He Who Must Not Be Named and how unseriously he took it? Brooke actually wants this).
And so, as a reward for being such a good little Bachie, Osher has organised her to be a guest on one of his 50 podcasts. Wait, no. That’s not it. He’s rustled up FOUR extra brother-sister-wives. WHAAAAAT?!?! This is BRAND NEW INFORMATION!!!
The first of the newbies is Millie.
Millie is 22 (lol, wut?! Do her parents know she’s here?!). She is cute and sparkly and wearing a jumpsuit that only people under 23 can pull off.
All the brother-sister-wives watch on in absolute horror as more people traipse through.
Carissa with a C looks like she is about to kick a puppy she is so angry. I can literally see steam rise from her ears as she says: “I just need another Prosecco.” And same, girl. Same.
Will is next. He has a moustache! He looks like both an accountant and a magician.
Konrad with a K asks if he is taller than Will. This man is weirdly obsessed with height.
Jess comes in next, and Seat Stealing Jess hits the roof. Haven’t you heard? There is only one Jess in Australia and she is it! Watch out for your seat, Jess 2.0, our seat stealer will have you on the floor in no time!
Lastly, we get the villain music. Some bloke with a man bun comes in. The originals all say, “here’s a man bun,” and I agree. It’s not 2017 mate, cut that sh*t off.
Man bun is Luca. Luca is a P.E. teacher and he does jiu jitsu. Konrad with a K says he’s a good looking bloke. I love Konrad’s running commentary, it’s kool. It’s so dopey and simple, I love him.
Australia’s Favourite Dad, Osher comes over and tells the originals AND the newbies that there will be a rose ceremony tonight and that they should all hustle hard to get one.
All. Hell. Breaks. Loose.
Kurt the Swimmer takes Kween Brooke off for a chat and immediately starts drowning. He is stressin’ and has forgotten how to speak. But you know who can speak? Luca.
Luca interrupts their chat not once but twice. Kurt is a loveable oaf who calls Luca “aka el desperado” and looks absolutely stoked with himself for that witty quip. I love Kurt.
Man Bun Luca finally gets his chat with Kween Brooke and he seems… fine. I think he’s gonna get the villain edit and I will definitely enjoy it.
IT’S ROSE CEREMONY TIIIIIIME!!
Australia’s Favourite Dad, Osher comes and does rose maths. Fourteen people, ten roses. FOUR brother-sister-wives will depart.
Kween Brooke keeps all the newbies in and dumps a bunch of people she never got the chance to know. It’s a sad state of affairs. The four dumpees look like they’ve witnessed a car run over a family of ducklings. It is hard to watch.
But also, who the actual f*ck are these people? Now we’ll never know…
Who will become the villain? Who will Kween Brooke keep Konrad? Kurt? or Carissa with a C?
Until next time…
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