A new day dawns in Bach world, and Captain Jimmy is doing his best Tom Cruise in Top Gun impersonation — donning a leather jacket and riding a motorbike. (If you can take me  away from here Jimmy, is there room for two?)

The sister wives are casually drinking smoothies at Le Chateau talking about the weather or something, when they’re rudely interrupted by their shared boyfriend. 

As Captain Jimmy revs his engine (the motorbike’s, not his libido). The girls SQUEAL! like they’ve never heard an automobile before. Just another day in paradise… 

With no sign of Australia’s favourite dad, Osher, Captain Jimmy is forced to introduce his motorbike to the sister wives himself. Her name is Tiffany. It’s the wrong kind of Tiffany they were hoping for entering into this show, but winners don’t show emotion so they feign interest. 

This is NOT the baby blue Tiffany I was hoping for. Network 10.

Captain Jimmy reveals that Tiffany is not the only woman he wants them to meet and promptly introduces them to his sister Tahnee and cousin Lisa! 

While the Captain will be MIA for the day, the others are all going to have a dinner party together without him! 

One nameless woman (??) introduces the group to his family: “Hey! We’re all of his girlfriends!” Who was that? She’s great! Stop giving Prefect Brooke and Holly from Marketing airtime. I want all the sassy girls to the front!

Captain Jimmy then announces that one sister wife will get to escape the family [grilling] barbeque and come for a ride on him… I mean with him. 

Sierah the horny cowgirl tells the camera that her “badonkadonk” is too big to fit on Tiffany and that’s as good an excuse as any to get out of a motorbike ride.

After what seems like A LOT of lead up, Captain Jimmy chooses Abbie 1.5 a.k.a. Lily. The sister wives pretend to be excited for their compadre, who somehow locates a leather jacket, a helmet and a pair of flashy riding gloves, before the pair ride off into the sunset. 

We finally reach their destination and surprise surprise the date is… surfing! It’s yet another action-packed, adrenaline-pumping date mixed with an excuse for Captain Jimmy to get his rig out… Here are those 100 abs again, and here’s me still not tired of the vision.

After standing up on the surfboard, Captain Jimmy is proud of Abbie 1.5 and as a reward for learning to surf so quickly, Abbie 1.5 straddles Jimmy in the ocean. 

You may recall an R-rated version of this exact scene during Matt Agnew and Abbie Chatfield’s infamous beach date in 2019. Abbie and Matt ran so Lily and Jimmy could walk!

After riding Jimmy’s joystick on National Television in the waves, Abbie 1.5 says her dad is going to be, “so disappointed.” Don’t worry babe, you’ll be top 3 for sure and that will make him proud!

Don’t mind me guys, I’m just sitting in lockdown in Melbourne’s northern suburbs. Network 10.

Back at Le Chateau we finally get a glimpse of Australia’s favourite dad, Osher! He comes bearing gifts! YAY! It’s a question box! Oh. 

The sister wives are asked to throw questions into the box, a la a Bachelor in Paradise Bula Banquet — and we all know how well that turns out… For Ciarran Stott anyway!

Instead of throwing her questions in, Pilot hating Steph is too invested in the idea of being able to “throw Holly under the bus,” and this is going to be DRAMAAAH with a capital D.

Off at the Eighth Wonder of the World , a.k.a the Northern Beaches, Abbie 1.5 and Captain Jimmy have the wine and (no) cheese part of the date. They talk earnestly about something — maybe it’s love, maybe it’s Gladys’ handling of the Delta strain — both I have switched off from. She gets a rose, they kiss… I’m bored… NEXT!!!

At Le Chateau we’re promised a MAFS dinner party with Tahnee and Lisa as the guests of honour. Pilot hating Steph declares that the party “might as well be renamed Holly Sucks” Yikes! 

The wine is free flowing for the sister wives and their new family. The first cab off the rank is pilot hating Steph. There’s lots of questions about why she hates pilots and for the second time this season, the producers capitalise on someone’s PTSD. Steph moved to Hong Kong to be with a pilot and he also had fourteen girlfriends. Turns out Steph has been on The Bachelor before…

When your brother has exhausted all the dating apps so you’re forced to be here instead. Network 10.

Next is Holly from Marketing, also colloquially known as “our winner”. When someone asks who’s here for the wrong reason Steph nominates one of her minions to do the prying because she can’t be a bad b*tch all the time. So, naturally, Tatum steps up. 

“Holly, I feel like you are quite different behind closed doors,” she declares across the table. “And, when Jimmy’s around, I feel like you’re a different version. There’s been moments where I’ve been talking and you’ve just cut over the top of me. It has offended me.”

Holly from Marketing is momentarily triggered by the most recent incident of when pilot hating Steph called her the c-word and then promptly suffered from amnesia.

Carlie, who we remember from an episode, defends her personal best friend in the house, Holly from Marketing. If looks could kill, pilot hating Steph would be sitting by herself at the MAFS dinner party.

Someone throw some f*cking wine, please. Network 10.

Every time the camera throws to Prefect Brooke, she’s drinking wine and just like everybody else watching, she needs a whole barrel of goon on tap to get through this dinner party.

In the end, she steps in and tries to put out all the fires burning around her. Damnit, Brooke! We were so close to a glass of Chardy being thrown! She is such Le Chateau captain (and wife) material. 

We see Captain Jimmy’s cousin and sister sitting awkwardly at the head of the table, questioning why they ever pushed their relative to go on this godforsaken program, but the show must go on!!

Holly from Marketing leaves the MAFS dinner party to go cry in the bushes, and for me this is completely normal behaviour. If a party doesn’t end with me crying in the bushes, did the party even happen?

Crying in the bushes is also my MO. Network 10.

The sister and cousin now do a factory line of conversations with the sister wives. Holly from Marketing defends herself to Tahnee whilst pilot hating Steph spends her time with cousin Lisa listing reasons that other women shouldn’t win.

Captain Jimmy returns from dry-humping Abbie 1.5 to complete pandemonium. His family warns him against all our favourites: pilot hating Steph is clearly just a tad competitive, Holly from Marketing is emotional and their conflict styles would, well… conflict, Prefect Brooke is perfect, and Aldi First Class Lounge Jay is too normal for this show. Captain Jimmy really does have some decisions to make.

The producers once again copy their homework from MAFS because once the director calls cut, they keep filming some serious behind-the-scenes goss that would even put Jason Roses’ iconic tea-spilling about Bryce to shame. Still mic’d, Captain Jimmy’s ring-ins ask who his front runner is. Thinking no-one can hear him, he admits it’s Prefect Brooke. Does this mean we can all go to bed early?

Lisa, it’s reality television. You are never done. Network 10.

It’s COCKTAIL PARTY TIIIIIIME! 

But what’s this? Pilot hating Steph is requested at Bach Mansion before the party. While I think it’s just an excuse for us to see inside whichever car brand is sponsoring this show, we watch as she puts his address into her GPS and spoiler alert! It’s next door.

While she goes off for a mystery conversation, pilot hating Steph becomes the talk of the cocktail party  — except for Sierah the horny cowgirl who can only talk about how hot she looks. 

“I’m just really happy to be here — it’s a really nice evening, I look sexy AF. This is my best look to date,” Sierah the horny cowgirl says… and she’s not wrong.

Sierah, does your back hurt from carrying this whole show? Network 10.

After way too much time is spent on whether she’ll come back to Le Chateau, pilot hating Steph returns without a rose, and boasts that they played tennis and “Netflix and chilled”. Call me Sherlock Holmes but I don’t believe her. Obviously Captain Jimmy hates her, but the producers decided this season is boring AF so Steph was allowed to stay. 

After her dramatic entrance, Captain Jimmy arrives in a suit that I can only refer to as 50 shades of f*cking bad. He says he has one specific girl he needs to see before The Hunger Games begins. Producers, knowing how the sister wives’ act, play the Jaws’ theme song as Jimmy finds his prey in Holly from Marketing.

Jimmy pissed off the stylist and was punished with prison attire. Network 10.

As Captain Jimmy takes Holly from Marketing away for a chat, the other sister wives speak not a word trying to get in on the goss, however, are devastated to hear that both Jimmy and Holly are handling conflict like…adults?!?

Once their chat is over, Captain Jimmy is back on deck and the cocktail party turns into   Year 12 formal, where everyone has drunk too much Prosecco and musters up the courage to speak to the hottest guy there. 

Then, all hell breaks loose. Tatum needs to speak to Captain Jimmy immediately. This can’t be good. Either she has chlamydia, her pet fish has died, or she hates Jimmy and must leave the mansion…

Tatum and Captain Jimmy have the third earnest and mature conversation of the season. Tatum says she’s not getting enough [screen time] Jimmy time, and that although he’s a solid 10 with 100 abs, she’s just not that into him. 

I’d rather hang out with your hot mate Finn. Network 10.

Captain Jimmy says that he felt a connection with Tatum — which is weird, considering he never took her on a date, compliments her [boobs] dress, and then puts her in an Uber and denies the notification when she asks to split it with him.

IT’S ROSE CEREMONY TIIIIIIIME!

This party has already been such a whirlwind that I’d like to take my stilettos off but instead Australia’s favourite dad, Osher, does rose maths. 

One sister wife will go home tonight, but she’ll have to catch a bus because the budget on Uber has already been taken.

The only woman I care about, Sierah the horny cowgirl looking sexy AF, gets her rose. Who cares what happens next?

Looking sexy AF has paid off in spades. Network 10.

We’re down to Holly from Marketing, pilot hating Steph and someone else. It’s tense. Holly receives the second last rose, Steph pulls it together and doesn’t attack her. 

Finally, pilot hating Steph receives the final rose, and a woman whose name I learn is Stevie is sent packing. Goodbye, Stevie — maybe if you’d thrown a glass of wine at the MAFS dinner party, this would’ve been a different story.

Just three sister wives casually waiting for their boyfriend to dump them. Network 10.

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