And we’re off! It’s episode three of The Bachelorette Australia 2021!
That weird point in the season where the usual characters are starting to be developed. The clingers, the winners, the silent types and the losers. And then there are the people we don’t know and will never get to know. Oh well, easy come, easy go!
The episode opens with no Le Chateau and no Australia’s Favourite dad, Osher. I got used to this terrible format in Captain Jimmy’s season but I still feel at a loss without a group of singles yelling desperately at the sign of a
postcard date card.
Kween Brooke has chosen Holly from Marketing 2.0 for a date. Brooke and Holly have almost kissed three times. I feel more invested in them than in my own love life. Kiss, KISSSS, FFS!
Kween Brooke is driving an old school red Mustang to pick up a divine looking Holly from Marketing 2.0. Holly calls Brooke’s car “lady in red” which is funny because usually, it’s Holly who dons the fiery tone.
Kween Brooke tells us that this is her first date with a girl for a while having recently been in a 14-month relationship
with the enemy a guy. The two have a very endearing conversation about how they both make each other nervous. It makes me smile like an absolute goof. Omg. Do I love, love?
They go on their first date and watch a hot couple dance. Holly from Marketing 2.0 is in heaven because she and Kween Brooke danced on the red carpet and at the photoshoot. GAWD these TWO! I STAN!
Kween Brooke says that she’s an awful dancer and then, just like every person everywhere: “maybe after a couple of wines I think I’m good.” You and me both, babe. Anyway, the pair dance and so does my heart.
IT’S WINE AND (NO) CHEESE TIIIIIME
Okay. I’d like to talk about the elephant in the room. Where. The f*ck. Is the cheese? I thought maybe they were punishing Captain Jimmy for being a bore by stripping him of his cheese. But here we are. No cheese. Maybe it’s a COVID thing? But everyone and I mean everyone, is pashing on and we don’t get to see some bougie ass charcuterie board?!
Instead, we see a Married at First Sight level of crappy wine and plastic cups! After having done four months of Melbourne lockdown I am simply sick of seeing shitty picnics. Get these girls something over-the-top! Euuuughhhh Kween Brooke deserves better than this.
Kween Brooke and Holly from Marketing 2.0 talk intensely about their previous relationships before the dramatic orchestral music comes to a grinding halt. What happens next is an Australian television first.
Brooke and Holly discuss sexuality and bi-erasure. Holly says that she has had only monogamous relationships with men and so many people have doubted her since she came out. She says that she doesn’t always feel legitimate for being bisexual because she hasn’t dated women before, before admitting that gender doesn’t matter to her.
Kween Brooke agrees. She talks about her previous partners being female, male and transitioning into being non-binary and says it’s not about genitalia.
Props to Network 10 for showing this very important conversation without the usual drama and sad orchestral music. It is just two women talking about pan and bisexuality.
It may be 2021 for most of us, but it’s been 1996 on commercial TV for 25 years. The doors are opening. Sexuality is becoming normalised. No matter what it is. I wave a fond farewell to the nuclear family that we were all taught was the future, because this is it.
The pair kiss. Holly from Marketing 2.0 gets a servo rose. It’s beautiful. I’m crying. My housemates are crying. Everyone is crying. Television might never be the same. I feel like I’ve witnessed something great.
IT’S GROUP DATE TIIIIIME!
It looks like everyone and some extras have again been invited to the group date. It’s the compatibility date which seems to be a recurrence in the Bach franchise.
To see if they’re compatible with Kween Brooke, the brother-sister-wives have to…jump on a bouncy castle?! The contestants are tied up to the side and are forced to run at a big bucket of hearts. I genuinely have no idea how this is considered a compatibility test but I’m all about humiliating people!
Kween Brooke is inexplicably dressed as Kath Day-Knight, but looks like a straight 10. The losers of the weird Wipe Out challenge are offered drinks and no cheese on the sidelines as they try to figure out who is suited to Brooke —because it sure as sh*t ain’t them.
The winners of the Wipe Out round are asked questions about “real life” situations. If their answer aligns with Kween Brooke, then they get to cut a string of another contestant. It’s very Survivor minus the mud. I have vaguely checked out.
Darvid the Prince of Persia is the victim of many pairs of scissors, because, well — have you seen him? The man is an adonis. While Darvid is usually the one cutting grass in his day job as a lawnmower man, tonight he is public enemy number one as everyone is out to cut his grass/string. Darvid is out first and says he “embraces it”, but deep down he is ready to yell, “Off with their heads!”.
Anyway, the winner of the whole fiasco is Emily.
You may remember her from the time she yelled at the Prince of Persia for being there for Kween Brooke in a very confusing argument. Last season they were yelling at each other for not wanting Captain Jimmy. Now they all want Brooke too much.
IT’S COCKTAIL PARTY TIIIIIIME!
Kween Brooke enters the cocktail party looking like an ice skater. It’s sickening how good she looks.
She goes directly to Holly from Marketing 2.0 and the two have yet another beautiful, loving moment on a bench where they just kind of hug for the duration of Apocalypse Now. Like three hours. Just pack it up, these two are perfect. Eughhhhhh my heart.
Emily, wearing very cool lollipop earrings, again has a go at Prince of Persia for no apparent reason and the unflappable King remains exactly that.
Ritu, who has had precisely seven seconds of screen time says that Emily is being weird and that Darvid is just wanting more time with Kween Brooke which is… normal. More of the People’s Princess Ritu, please!
Kween Brooke, as if producers interfered themselves, approaches Prince of Persia and whisks him away to another room, leaving Emily seething.
Perhaps this is the First Club Lounge from Captain Jimmy’s season but instead of them recreating poor man’s Fifty Shades of Grey by blindfolding each other and feeding each other Mersey Valley cheese, they act normal. Kind of.
Well, they were acting normal until the pair have what can only be described as the horniest kiss ever on reality TV. BRB having a cold shower.
IT’S ROSE CEREMONY TIIIIIIIIME
Australia’s Favourite dad, Osher, emerges from whatever man cave Network 10 have been keeping him in with only podcast equipment and access to his Twitter account. He does rose maths. 12 servo roses, 13 sister-brother-wives. Someone will be leaving the mansion tonight.
Jamie-Lee pipes up and says she’s worried because Kween Brooke has been pretty fkn hot with other people. Sh*t, I forgot about her.
Jamie-Lee, we thought you would’ve learned from He Who Must Not Be Named’s season… this is a show based on polygamy.
Each name is called until it’s between Seat Stealing Jess, who continues to side-eye a once again frankly morose looking Prince of Persia, and the People’s Princess Ritu are left.
Please, Kween Brooke. Get rid of Jess.
NOOOOOOO. For the first — and I hope only time this season — I am mad at Kween Brooke.
Ritu seemed cool, normal and didn’t weirdly steal everyone’s seat like it was a game of musical chairs.
Anyway, until tomorrow night when “four will go in and four will go out“.
In the meantime, I’ll be over here, inconsolably going through Ritu’s Instagram feed and taking style tips.
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