It’s episode six of The Bachelorette Australia 2021, and a new day is dawning at the hostel that is Le Chateau.
What action-packed adventure will we be taken on next? If it’s another adrenaline date, I’m out. I’m done.
I want my romance realistic — like some guy offering to take you out for a drink and then making you pay. This is reality TV, is it not?!
This time Kween Brooke is taking Jamie Lee on another single date.
Jamie Lee is from He Who Must Not Be Named’s season and her and Brooke previously
hooked up became really good friends.
Kween Brooke and Jamie-Lee arrive at Centrepoint Tower in Sydney.
Brooke says she’s taken her date there because Jamie-Lee is “from Sydney” and Jamie Lee tells the camera she’s never been to Centrepoint Tower. I’ve never even heard of it, but if it isn’t the Harbour Bridge, the Opera House or Frankie’s Pizza then it’s not on my Sydney radar.
Oh, no. The pair arrive at this random location and don jumpsuits. It’s another adrenaline date. I hate it already.
But wait, plot twist!
Australia’s Favourite Dad, Osher, is up there with them. No doubt on tenterhooks with Network 10 for skipping last night’s episode and failing to release his contracted 86 podcast episodes for the week.
He’s been told he must now join a single date as punishment.
Australia’s Favourite Dad, Osher, tells the girls he’s joined them atop the tower for a “very special moment.” Oh my god. Osher has won a Gold Logie! No! Osher is taking over Hamish Blake on Lego Masters and he is finally leaving the franchise after four decades! Nope, wrong network…nope. He is there because he’s proposing that the date become a world record breaking one. FFS.
Osher tells the pair they have the opportunity to “break a world record“. It will be television’s longest recorded kiss, or something. I don’t really get the idea. Seems supremely made up.
The previous record was also held under Osher’s watchful eye. In fact, it was held by original bad boy Bachie Sam Wood and some girl who definitely didn’t win because I don’t recognise her name. Does she even have a blue tick?! Jamie-Lee, BAIL!!!! This isn’t a record-breaking kiss, it’s the kiss of fkn death, mate!
Kween Brooke and Jamie Lee agree to the date and then it’s on. The pair, wearing the world’s least sexy and least accessible outfits are counted down to start pashing by a record keeper.
They have to beat four minutes something to win.
Like every normal and not at all insane first date, Australia’s Favourite Dad, Osher is there yelling minutes at you whilst you try and remember to breathe for air whilst pashing on.
It’s really weird. I feel weird, the record-keeping man looks visibly uncomfortable, and Osher is yelling at them like he’s their kissing coach. Make it stop, I beg of you.
In true competitive style, they beat the record and then very platonically hug after. Like teammates. Ugh.
IT’S WINE AND CHEE — Okay, what the f**k.
It’s not wine and cheese time at all! It’s cocktail time, ladies! F*ck yeah.
After the dog effort production put on for two boring straight guys (sorry, Kurt) last episode, they have rolled out the red carpet. This time, in the form of sugary and gross looking budget hotel cocktails. Finally! Some fun! Some frivolity! Kween Brooke deserves this!
The pair have a chat about f*ck knows what.
Kween Brooke presents Jamie-Lee with her World Record Certificate. This date is getting weirder by the second. The certificate is the size of a novelty cheque. Where the hell do you hang that if you don’t win? Where the hell do you hang that if you do win?! Jamie cops a servo rose and another kiss.
IT’S GROUP DAT — Okay, what?!
It’s not group date time. It’s Garden Party time. And this time, everyone is invited.
This time the group date is going to be with someone very special. Please, pleaaaaase be Tracy Grimshaw. I want her to do an A Current Affair exposè on this excessively bizarre show.
Jamie Lee is taken in first to meet the special guest. She’s ready for it to be Kween Brooke’s whole extended family and I’m ready to have the whole lid blown off this show!
Ohhhhhhhhh no. It’s some guy called Steve they bring out every season.
Steve is a human lie detector.
This has all of a sudden turned very Meet the Parents.
Jamie Lee enters the room and recognises Steve from He Who Must Not Be Named’s season. Steve is separated this time via Zoom but that doesn’t affect Steve’s ability to figure out who’s a dirty rotten liar.
We go back to Kween Brooke who’s explaining to the rest of the brother-sister-wives what’s going on behind her whilst sculling a whole pint of Prosecco. That’s my girl.
Jamie Lee gets interrogated by Steve but she’s an old hand at this. She says, “ummm” a lot before joining the group in the Prosecco sculling competition.
Next up is Loveable Oaf Kurt. I don’t think Kurt has ever lied before because Kurt knows eight words of the English language and each of them is absolutely adorable.
Loveable Oaf Kurt gets asked if he’s here for the right reasons. He explains in some simple yet adorable way that of course, he is. Steve accepts.
Then Steve asks Kurt who isn’t here for the right reasons. STEVE! DON’T PUT KURT ON THE SPOT LIKE THIS! But also, keep going… This is like when a leopard goes for the weakest in the herd. Don’t do this!
Loveable Oaf Kurt cannot be stopped. Much like his Shakespearean soliloquy last night, Kurt drones on and one with no off button. But the man has some TEA!
So, according to King Kurt, Ryan (who?!!) is totally crushing on Jamie Lee but Jamie Lee doesn’t crush on him back although sometimes they have “extended cuddles.” WUT?!
Honestly, someone give Kurt Australian of the Year. He is so pure.
So after Loveable Oaf Kurt completely word vomits his way through a confessional, he is given a treat for his good behaviour and wags his tail.
Next up is the badman himself. Ryan.
Right, now for me to find out who. The f*ck. Ryan is.
Okay, Ryan looks like the amalgamation of every man who terrifies me.
Ryan is quizzed by Steve about his intentions and he looks down so often I swear on my life he is answering other girl’s DMs whilst he has this conversation. Can I please play poker against this man?! He is the sh*ttest liar.
Kween Brooke catches wind that two people might fancy each other and she says that’s impossible.
She can fancy ten people at once (because let’s face it, she has a connection with errryone) but they must only fancy her exclusively.
That’s her face on the fkn billboard, people! Who the f*ck is Ryan? (Seriously though, who is he?)
IT’S COCKTAIL PARTY TIIIIIIIME!
It’s time to get to the bottom of this Garden Party mystery. Whomst flirted with whom?
Kween Brooke is absolutely seething. I’ve never seen someone who looks so bitter.
She takes Jamie Lee aside who cries and says that Ryan (who?!) might like her but she just sees him as a friend. The extended cuddle means nothing to her and they used protection…
Brooke, after a few sideways glances, forgives Jamie Lee. The two have their own extended cuddle. But Brooke is still frothing at the mouth. Lucky you already have that servo rose, JL!
IT’S ROSE CEREMONY TIIIIIME!
Australia’s Favourite Dad, Osher, comes out of his den because he was a good boy this week and released all his podcasts and completed all his dad duties.
He does rose maths.
12 brother-sister-wives, 10 servo roses. Two of these fierce competitors will be yeeted from Le Chateau tonight.
It comes down to the bottom three. Prince of Persia Darvid, who is obviously going to be in the final two, Ryan the random bloke and some girl I genuinely thought was called Rebecca (jks, her name is Jessica).
Darvid clearly gets called and Ryan who was good for about 30 seconds for the drama and Rebecca (Jessica) have been shipped off to find their blue ticks.
Was it really worth it guys?!
Until next time.
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