It’s episode five of the first ever queer edition of The Bachelorette Australia 2021 and we open with Kween Brooke in a vintage Porsche.
You know how they’re arguing for a female James Bond? I think we’ve found who to cast.
For her single date, Kween Brooke has selected Man Bun Luca to let his hair down.
Brooke tells the camera that she wants to do a Top Gun themed date. Eughhhhh straight dating is the absolute worst.
Because she’s just that hot, Kween Brooke drives Man Bun to their date.
While she’s behind the wheel, he says things like: “you’re sexy” and “I like your sunnies”, before taking his hair out of his man bun and cosplaying a Pantene ad.
I don’t know why but Luca really bothers me… and it’s not because peroxide has absolutely ruined any chances of me being able to grow that mane. There’s just… something else.
Arriving at their destination, Kween Brooke announces they’ll be passengers in aerobatic twin planes. Firstly, no thank you and secondly Oh. My. God. I’m sorry, did Captain Dickhead not exhaust us enough of both pilot puns and adventure dates?? I do NOT wish to board this flight!
Kween Brooke and Man Bun invent nicknames for themselves.
She calls herself “BB gun” because her initials are B.B and Man Bun calls himself Gladiator for literally no reason. I don’t know why but when Luca is on I can smell the Ralph Lauren Blue through the screen, and I do not like it.
After flying around, saying “epic” and “stoked” a lot, the pair finally land (in separate planes, btw) and this train wreck of a date can finally end. This date has lowered my IQ dangerously.
We go back to Le Chateau, where the brother-sister-wives patiently await their next set of instructions.
Carissa with a C is given the task of reading out the lucky people who get to
humiliate go on a group date with Kween Brooke.
She calls Prince of Persia Darvid and Holly from Marketing 2.0 first before doing the equivalent of flipping to the last page of a crime novel and reading ahead. Finding out she’s not on the list, she struggles her way through the rest of the names knowing she’s now a rejectee.
I can see her teeth grinding. Carissa, babe, this is a good thing. Group dates are set up by the evil producers to make sure everyone makes a huge fool of themselves and gets uninvited to family Christmas.
One noticeable name on the list is Man Bun (aka Luca), and people are not impressed.
Loveable Oaf Kurt says something but I don’t listen, because when Kurt talks my eyes turn into love heart emojis.
Kurt and Konrad with a K are not happy that Luca has been invited and I’m not happy that my two boyfriends aren’t happy. Luca is now the enemy. I told you there was something off…
We space jump back to Man Bun and Kween Brooke’s original first date because now they need to line their stomachs after throwing up from the aerobatics (not aired, but assumed).
WINE AND (NO CHEESE) TIIIIIIME!
No. Fucking. Cheese! Is this because they’re too nauseous from their stupid date or did we bust the bank with two twiggy sticks and four waxy Baby Bels last episode? Do they also hate Man Bun and need to punish him like they did Captain Dickhead for being insufferable?
Kween Brooke and Man Bun sit on a leather couch both wearing leather jackets. Somewhere in the background, a member of the crew has to hold back PETA from dumping red paint all over them as they have a really boring conversation, eat no cheese, and pash.
Luca is gifted a servo rose and the crowd goes mild.
IT’S GROUP DATE TIIIIIIIME!
It’s another action-packed date. Has COVID not tortured us enough, producers?!?!!
The group get into teams and they very neatly get into The OGs and The Underdogs. A.K.A the original brother-sister-wives and the new kids.
The OGs are up first. They have to do an obstacle course and answer questions about Kween Brooke. If they get the answer wrong they are given a time penalty. Still paying attention? Good, me either.
Some random bloke called Steve takes his shirt off. I suddenly get the urge to tattoo Steve’s name onto my chest.
WHERE HAS STEVE BEEN?! Ripped Steve has more abs than Captain Jimmy and I don’t know where to look. Where have you been, Steve?
The OGs start the obstacle course. It’s Prince of Persia, Holly from Marketing 2.0, Ripped Steve and Loveable Oaf Kurt. They get to the first question and everyone is ignoring Kurt.
Kurt keeps answering the right answer and no one will pay him any attention. I don’t fully blame them TBH. Kurt does seem to be Beavis and Butthead reincarnated.
The Underdogs are up next.
Man Bun takes his shirt off and so does Will the Magnificent. Ummmmm okay, Will is also insanely ripped. Wut?! He looks like he filed my taxes last year, what is going on?
The Underdogs underperform and The OGs win. Loveable Oaf Kurt is given extra time with Kween Brooke. He looks like he just won the lottery, but he also looks like he needs to spell “lottery” to be able to claim his winnings.
He is so dopey. Bless.
Kween Brooke and Loveable Oaf Kurt get some wine (and no cheese) time. Kurt just stares at Brooke and smiles a lot. She calls him handsome. He
lies says no one has ever said that before.
Kween Brooke keeps hinting that she wants to kiss Loveable Oaf Kurt and he keeps talking about GOD KNOWS WHAT. His psychobabble can be heard from the next LGA.
Brooke also has no idea what Kurt is saying, because she just wants him to kiss her.
She gives him a rose, while he continues to yammer on about absolutely nothing. Someone tell this beautiful idiot to calm down. Kurt talks until there’s finally a pause and we all wait with bated breath for their kiss.
Instead the unthinkable. Instead Kurt…burps?!
OHMYGOD! KURT! Finally, I understand why Loveable Oaf Kurt is still single.
Kween Brooke tells the camera that if we were on “Kurt time” they’d never kiss.
She asks him for a kiss, he obliges. THANK GAWWWWWWDDDDDD. I seriously couldn’t handle it anymore.
Kween Brooke says that Kurt knows how to kiss a woman and thank God because he sure doesn’t know how to talk to one.
Kurt says that he has to, “go to the gym now because I have energy.”
Oh my god stop saying the quiet part out loud, Kurt.
IT’S COCKTAIL PARTY TIIIIIIME!
It’s time for the cocktail party and the brother-sister-wives look positively freezing.
Konrad with a K is wearing a suit four sizes too small and Prince of Persia forgot to do up three buttons. Looks like it’s just another day in Le Chateau.
Carissa with a C is having some kind of conniption. She’s babbling on and on about connection. Does she know that the other people here are also here to date Brooke and not just for background noise?
Kween Brooke enters wearing a hot suit but she forgot to put her pants on. She beelines for Prince of Persia for a chat, probably to tell him he forgot to do up his shirt.
Carissa with a C is gradually getting more and more tense and irate. She interrupts Prince of Persia and Kween Brooke and takes our Bachie babe to the side. What is happening?!?!
Just when you think you’ve figured this show out, Carissa with a C declares that she can’t fall in love under these conditions.
Oh, Carissa. Every season someone forgets that the concept of the show is about polygamy and gets confused when they’re not taken on every date.
Carissa with a C says she’s gonna peace out. The pair have a hug and Kween Brooke chucks her in an Uber and tells her to not even think about fkn splitting it with her.
Kween Brooke comes back into the cocktail party and tells everyone she’s turning off the lights and they can take themselves to bed. She is fkn done.
In her defence, Brooke is actually a little sad about Carissa’s departure. It made her wonder what other connections she is missing? Did she also forget to tell the blue festive lighting that she had a connection with it too? She does seem to have a connection with everyone, so we can hardly blame her.
Call me a tinfoil hat, but Kween Brooke just held her own rose ceremony.
Are we to believe that the episode we see none of Australia’s Favourite Dad, Osher, is also the same night that Brooke sees home her own evictee? Maybe Osher was on deadline with one of his 1000 podcasts and chucked a sickie?
Something is a little suss around here.
Until tomorrow, guys, gals and non-binary pals…
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