It’s episode eight of The Bachelorette Australia 2021 and we open at Le Chateau and a very excited Millie with a date card.
Millie is 22 which means she hasn’t completely given up on life or dating yet, good on her! You go, Millie!
I won’t even bring up the absence of Australia’s Favourite Dad, Osher, because frankly, this game of hide-N-seek is exhausting me.
Millie reads out a riddle on the single date card and everyone assumes it’s Prince of Persia Darvid who’ll be going on it. Shock! It’s not! It’s the lady in red, Holly from Marketing 2.0.
The others are not happy.
It’s crunch time and there are still a few people in here that I do not recognise and still think are part of the crew.
Kween Brooke greets her date Holly from Marketing 2.0 who is surprise surprise, wearing red! And why not? She looks amazing.
You know what else looks amazing? The car they’re going in… or so Network 10 wants us to think.
The date fast becomes a ten-minute advertisement about this fkn car. I DON’T CARE!!!!!
They could be driving in a 90s Ford Falcon station wagon for all I care, this is The Bachelorette not fkn Top Gear. I digress.
The pair arrive at a picnic. They’re greeted by a First Nations woman who tells them they’ll be weaving bracelets. It’s super wholesome.
There’s no one calling someone else a “dog c*nt” or random pashing on in the orchid, so it’s jarring to see two people just having a nice, normal time.
IT’S NO WINE AND NO CHEESE TIME.
Okay, what the actual f******ck?! This is the first queer season, first Indigenous Bach and they gave her a… blanket. Not even a popper. Not even a fkn Le Snac.
Anyway, the increasingly hungry duo have yet another vulnerable conversation. These two queens love to have serious chats which are beautiful, however, TBH… a bit boring.
Holly from Marketing 2.0 gets a servo rose and a kiss with Kween Brooke.
IT’S GROUP DATE TIIIIIIIMEEEEE!
Oh goodie! The brother-sister-wives are in activewear. OMFG, WHY?!
Every time they get day release from Le Chateau, they’re forced to do team sports — an actual migraine.
One guy yells out, “YeaaaHHH FOOOOOOTY” and I’m rudely reminded that there are men here.
This nightmare date includes three kids. KIDS!? Faarkkk, I would pretend to have COVID to get out of this. Seriously! What a nightmare.
The kids pick people to have on their teams and then it’s time for some healthy competition.
At the end of the date, the kids will then choose their favourite and they’ll get extra time with Kween Brooke. It’s all very political. And also, WTF. What if you’re sh*t with kids??
It starts with an egg and spoon race.
Man Bun Luca coaches his kid by yelling in his face about an egg. Kween Brooke seems to like it. Oh, Brooke, NO! NOT ATTRACTIVE! He has a Man Bun! He is yelling at kids! His shirts are too tight! You can do better!
The next challenge is a puzzle.
Kurt the Lovable Oaf is teamed with two of the most competitive women I’ve ever seen — Holly from Marketing 2.0 and 22-year-old Millie.
Kurt actually helps his kid whilst the other two take over the puzzle and basically don’t allow their six-year-old teammate — Mila — to do anything.
The final game is something to do with a lot of balls, they need to capture the balls or throw the balls or something with the balls, who knows? I’ve simply stopped listening.
Team sports are as interesting to me as Bitcoin.
22-year-old Millie remains fiercely competitive. Kurt the Loveable Oaf declares that it’s “not the World Cup”.
Kurt’s running commentary that involves just pointing out the obvious is a gift. He’s such a himbo — I love him.
Millie holds no prisoners and starts to bowl children over in order to win. It’s actually hilarious.
She has an obvious disdain for kids right after Kween Brooke had delivered a monologue about how much she wants them. Fkn poetry.
At the end of the date, Kurt the Loveable Oaf wins extra time. I am so excited. I’m more excited than Kurt himself because he has one energy level, that of a first-year uni stoner.
They have a beer and Kurt talks about how he’s been to regional Australia and because Kween Brooke hasn’t been able to leave her LGA for the past four months she thinks that’s wildly adventurous.
Kurt the Loveable Oaf, who couldn’t talk his way out of a paper bag (but has talked his way into my heart) receives a servo rose and they have a kiss.
I start chanting “Kurt! Kurt! Kurt!” like a soccer hooligan. OMFG this is what eight episodes of team sports have done to me!
Konrad with a K who?! There’s a new King K in town!
IT’S KOCKTAIL PARTY TIIIIIIME!
It’s time for a cocktail party, and this time the sponsor has to be Tarocash because this is frankly, just a sea of hideous suits.
Will the Magnificent looks like he’s about to serve cocktails, Man Bun looks like he just left the races and got lost on the way home and Konrad with a K is inexplicably wearing a tablecloth for a shirt. WOW, these guys have really pissed off the stylists.
Man Bun says that the numbers are getting “shorter and shorter” and I say a little thank you that he’s a PE teacher and not a maths one. Good grief.
Konrad with a K then stumbles across the FINAL SINGLE DATE CARD! At a COCKTAIL PARTY! The brother-sister-wives will find out who will receive the final single date tonight.
Then, Kween Brooke enters the party. Oh. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. Let the games begin.
The cocktail party quickly becomes a circus. Every man and woman is out for themselves, trying to get that final date.
Man Bun Luca brings Kween Brooke a model aeroplane to replicate their Top Gun date. She seems reasonably confused because it definitely will not match her interior design.
22-year-old Mille makes Kween Brooke a sangria. She goes on about her Spanish heritage, but we all know this was just an excuse to drink sangria. And good on her. Sangria is delicious!
Jamie Lee gets her time and puts Kween Brooke on a ledge and calls it a pedestal. She reads yet another love letter. Calm down, Carrie Bradshaw! I think Jamie Lee is trying to get a book deal out of this show.
Will the Magnificent takes Kween Brooke aside and
does a magic trick gives her a ring but is rudely interrupted by a flower delivery guy holding a bunch of flowers bigger than Brooke. Lol, wut?!
I’ve been waiting for three months for one eBay order and this delivery dude is rocking up at midnight to a cocktail party?!
The anonymous flowers, which are quite frankly bigger than Kween Brooke, come with a note signed, “Your not so secret admirer”.
Everyone suspects it’s Prince of Persia. Konrad with a K says it’s a, “really Darv move” like they’ve been best mates for ten years.
Kween Brooke cuts Will the Magnificent off halfway through his magic trick or whatever the fk he was doing and asks the Prince of Persia if he’s behind the anonymous miniature forest.
A sheepish Darvid nods.
They go off and talk and Darvid says things like, “I’m really attracted to you,” which might not be Shakespeare but he’s hot and Kween Brooke loves it.
Konrad with a K shows Kween Brooke his pink and blue painted nails and then hides them from her and gets her to choose a finger to reveal the gender of their first child.
Does Konrad realise that gender reveal parties happen after they get pregnant and not before right?
It’s time for the final date rose to be given. Kween Brooke circles the party like a shark before honing in on Prince of Persia.
Darvid, who had quite frankly the least creative idea of the group, gets a servo rose and a pash.
I hate to say this about my future husband Loveable Oaf Kurt but I think Darvid might actually have this in the bag.
IT’S ROSE CEREMONY TIIIIIIIME!
Well, well, well.
Look who walks in just in time to do his fkn job. It’s Australia’s Favourite Dad (and number one podcast host), Osher. Hello, Osh. We’ve been expecting you.
Osher does rose maths. Perhaps he should also start doing timekeeping lessons rather than maths lessons because he is getting increasingly late to the party.
Anyway, three brother-sister-wives already have a rose.
Holly from Marketing 2.0, Loveable Oaf Kurt and the Prince of Persia.
They stand smugly to the side, except for Kurt who looks thrilled to be there. Actually, he looks like he doesn’t even know where he is…
The final three without a rose are 22-year-old Millie, Will the Magnificent and Man Bun.
I am sure that Man Bun has slick-talked his way to receiving a servo rose. However, Kween Brooke remembers that delicious sangria and that Luca’s cooking probably involves piercing the packaging on a microwave meal.
Will the Magnificent gets eliminated and disappears without a trace, his best trick to date.
Man Bun gets yeeted from the mansion too. His ugly model aeroplane was a nice gesture but like, let’s be real. It was bloody ugly.
As Man Bun is driven straight to the airport to chase those lofty dreams of Muscle Meal sponsorship deals, we’re reminded that this week it’s HOMETOWNS.
Where has the time gone?!
Until tomorrow, when we get to meet all the remaining brother-sister-wives’ families and traditional key players: intimidating dad, lovely Aussie mum, protective brother and gossipy sister….
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