It’s Wednesssssdayyyyyy and I hope you’ve been intermittent fasting because it’s time for another Married at First Sight Australia 2022 dinner party. It’s episode 20, y’all!
This week the old couples met each others’ parents in a completely normal setting: sitting in a cinema over Zoom. It went…. fine. We all survived. Sort of. Some came out unscathed and others…well….
Before we dive into one delicious dinner party, let’s first catch up with the newlyweds and see who’s rootin’ and who’s bootin’!
Samantha and Al
Al has been progressing in leaps and bounds. Sure, he did another shoey last dinner party but this man can’t: 1) vacuum and 2) use glassware, so let’s lay off him.
All was going well until Samantha’s parents asked Al his five year plan and he said he just really liked gaming.
They were shocked, to say the least, but I say “YO, Sam’s parents! Maybe meet the rest of the clowns on this show and you’ll see Al the way we all see him!”
They had a picnic where Samantha expressed her concerns and Al stared blankly back at her and still is convinced everything is A-OKAY.
Tamara and Brent
Tamara and Brent were taken to a horror film in the form of Brent’s parents asking her why she called their son the c-word. Oh, god I had forgotten about that as I’ve been distracted by Dion’s dazzling jackets.
Anyway, Brent defends Tamara for some reason and we all wait with bated breath for another explosion between these two.
Cody and Selina
Things were going well for Cody and Selina until the last dinner party where Cody refused to hug Selina.
Selina took back the power and wrote ‘leave’ at the Commitment Ceremony but was kept hostage by Cody.
At the premiere viewing of Cody’s Mentors, Meet Selina’s Best Friend, Cody’s step-dad tells him to get over himself and hug Selina when she feels bad.
Cody realises that hugs cost absolutely f*ck all and decides to hug her when she’s sad. Wow! Prince Charming over here!
Olivia and Jackson
Not much to say from Camp Love.
Olivia loves Jackson. Jackson loves Olivia. Blah blah blah, where’s the drama and my wine?
Domenica and Jack
Domenica and Jack get two gold stars this week. They’ve been cool and kind.
Dom even surprised Jack with their dogs (YESS!!) — Millie and Finn — on a date, before making them DOG pillows.
It was the wholesome kind of love we needed after the rest of the couples imploded around us.
Mitch and Ella
Ooooooft what a fkn MESS over in Camp Horny.
As happens with all great sex-capade couples, the sex dries up and what you’re left with is two people who barely know one another and let’s be honest, Ella is getting to know Mitch and it is not good at all.
Mitch has become a psycho who told the cameras that he was going to make Ella pay for being honest at the Commitment Ceremony.
Speaking of Mitch and cameras, Mitch has also realised that his life is now him getting filmed and he is NOT happy. He had a hissy fit at the number of cameras.
Uhhhh Mitch?! Are you lost?! This is MAFS not your instagram stories — you have relinquished control.
Matt and Kate
Oh, Matt. Matt is so lovely and oddly, it is absolutely to his detriment.
He’s also just frankly weird. We stan weirdos though, so good on him.
Kate is extremely “normie”. She has never said one weird thing in her life.
In the sociopathic ‘rank who’s the hottest’ task, Matt unsurprisingly puts Kate first.
Kate puts Matt third, however, tells him that there’s “no chance in hell that they’ll ever hook up”.
Matt has put her on mute in his own mind and is staring lovingly at his ranking because he doesn’t. give. up.
He even cheers for getting a bronze medal and frankly, this is going to end badly.
Dion and Carolina
Carolina and Dion are the (second-biggest) dumpster fire of 2022.
To recap, Carolina has spoken more lovingly about the gym than her own son. She like fkn LOVES the gym.
Dion really loves felt hats, but he doesn’t bring that up every 60 bloody seconds, does he CAROLINA?!
Anyway, Dion made her a cheeseboard to win her over but she had already bounced and was hanging out and the goddamn GYM with newly single groom Daniel. FFS.
Daniel and Jessica
Speaking of dumpster fires. Here’s the other one.
Wowwwwwww. We need the fire department for this one.
Jessica gives Daniel precisely 10 seconds of her precious time before bouncing out of the one-bedroom apartment and into the night. Do not pass go, do not collect your blue tick.
Daniel, “heartbroken” (pfffft), stays in Sydney.
He packs up his six frozen YouFoodz and then leaves, before calling Carolina.
They do a really boring workout together and flirt as gym bros flirt by wearing tight clothes and pumping iron. What a NIGHTMARE.
Right, got all that?! Me either. It’s been a long week in MAFS land and I’m exhausted. Someone microwave me a YouFoodz, because it’s time for dinner.
IT’S TIIIMEE TO GET REAAADDYY!!!!!!!!!
Kate and Matt are getting dressed when Matt declares that he has a gift for his wife for their ~tWo WeEk aNnIvErSaRy~.
Because she likes perfume, he gifts her a bottle of Viktor & Rolf.
While some would think this was a f*cking sweet gesture, Kate acts as though Matt gave her a grenade.
With zero enthusiasm (as per usual), she says that he’s “clueless” because they’ve never even hugged.
HAS KATE MET THE OTHER GROOMS?!?
Like, it was cute and all when Al picked Samantha weeds from their serviced apartments gardens and perfume?! This is basically a diamond in MAFS land.
Next, we catch up with Al and Samantha.
Al is excited because he has choreographed a dance……………………(yes).
Samantha is, unsurprisingly off the whole idea and Al says he simply cannot “hop alone”.
Oh, god, please let this dance happen.
Somewhere down the hall are Domenica and Jack.
After a successful week together, Domenica has her sights off Jack’s toilet flushing habits and onto Mitch.
Ella had recently disclosed to her that Mitch wants to leave and boy oh boy, not on Domenica’s watch is anyone going anywhere.
In Ella and Mitch’s room, Ella is nervous. She’s told the girls too much. She tells Mitch that the vibes should be high and then she asks him how he’s feeling.
“Kill or be killed.”
Christ, someone get me some more wine.
IT’S PRE-DRINKS TIIIIME
Ella and Mitch are the first ones to arrive. They look as happy as a couple about to attend their first group therapy.
Tamara and Brent arrive next.
Brent and Tamara have gotten along for the first time ever and seem a bit smug about it.
Then Olivia and Jackson arrive in all of their over-the-top love glory. The experts pat themselves on the back for a job well done. “One out of a million ain’t bad!” Mel Schilling exclaims.
The three couples have an amazing conversation about Mitch’s sunburn. Please, someone, give these people more drinks because I’ve been to more interesting webinars than this party.
Then, in come Domenica and Jack.
Like a woman PMSing, Domenica is out for blood…
Somewhere across Sydney, Dion rides solo in the back of an Uber.
His wife may have ditched him but he’s in a Gucci smokers’ jacket and looking every bit the Vegas high roller that he is.
He declares himself Celine DION as he’s “all by myself.” God, I love him.
Upon his solo arrival, the four bored and in love couples circle their prey — the solo guy.
Dion describes his relationship and to be honest I’ve had healthier relationships when I was 15.
“She puts on rap music early in the morning to annoy me.”
“She ranked me third last in the photo challenge.”
“She’s always on her phone.”
If I didn’t want to see more of Dion on my screen I’d be yelling at him to GTFO. That sounds so fkn toxic.
Dion then tells the group that Carolina wouldn’t take him to Bondi because she has sixty-thousand Instagram followers. LOL, wut?!
- Who cares?
- Dion’s a catch and would be good company in Bondi.
Meanwhile, Carolina is in her Uber giving zero f*cks.
Back in hell, Domenica gives Dion some sage advice.
“Give her the finger.” God, I love her so much.
Cody and Selina arrive next followed by Mr Labrador Puppy Al and his doting
mother wife, Samantha.
Expert John says his energy lifts whenever Al enters the room. Me too, John. Me fkn too.
In yet another “one star Uber ride”, Kate and Matt are having a ‘conversation’, which consists of Kate muttering utter nonsense under her breath and Matt asking her to speak up.
Kate has one mood: turned off.
Kate tells the camera that her husband is annoying for being too nice.
“I don’t hate the guy but I don’t want to be his friend.” Wow, charming.
TBH, Kate has BIG Prue from Kath and Kim energy. She speaks like she’s better than everyone, but says very little and barely opens her mouth.
Then finally, the drama arrives in the form of Carolina.
“She looks innocent in all white but she’s no angel,” says everyone’s best friend Domenica.
Carolina circles the room like a pageant queen.
Dion tells her she looks beautiful to which she says nothing and turns her back. OMFG give us all a break.
DING DING DIIIIIING. DINNER IS SERVED.
At the dinner table, Carolina looks at the spread of beautiful food and thinks back to Daniel’s stolen YouFoodz longingly. We all know where this is heading….
Oh, Carolina. Have you ever heard of “if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all”? Apparently not.
Carolina then spills her exhaustive list of why she doesn’t like Dion to the group.
“He doesn’t eat breakfast.” She says with such disdain it’s as though he’s killed someone.
“He doesn’t listen to hip hop.”
“He doesn’t drink coffee.”
OMFG who cares, Carolina. We know you’re Latina and like “passion” but even Alessandra Rampolla is not here for your petty excuses.
Probably prompted by a frothing producer, Jack then asks Carolina what her dream man is.
“He likes the gym, he’s fit, he has nice style, he has nice skin. He likes the gym.”
So, if it’s not abundantly clear, Carolina likes the gym. DRINK EVERY TIME CAROLINA SAYS GYM. I’m already passed out.
Jack then asks Carolina who she finds hot out of the grooms.
Carolina does the unthinkable. She cracks a smile and hides behind her hands.
“If I get frustrated, I get brutally honest,” she says as though it’s an excuse to be an a*shole. I mean, if this is her being “frustrated”, I’d hate to find out her real feelings.
Referring to the time Carolina said she wouldn’t be caught dead with Dion in Bondi, Domenica tells Carolina that she “isn’t Beyonce.”
“No one will know who you are in Bondi!”
Everyone — including those with casually racist or mean husbands — pile on Carolina about her attitude. You’d think Carolina would be rattled, however, all she is doing is thinking about Daniel and his frozen meals.
She is uninterested. She is only interested in three things: the gym, hip hop, and Daniel.
Domenica leans across the table and tells Carolina to get her head out of her own a*s, or something to that effect.
“You’re not Beyonce, not everyone knows who you are.”
It’s definitely been almost a month because we find out that Domenica is premenstrual. Again, Someone make this woman our prime minister because you just know she’ll make tampons free.
Next, prime minister Domenica turns her attention to pretty boy Mitch because after a loooong night of yelling at a brick wall (A.K.A Carolina), she’s exhausted. We all are.
Mitch claims he hates cameras and he’s “never even been to a concert.” I fail to see the correlation but go off, king.
Too many Chardys deep and one very premenstrual Dom declares to us she isn’t going to “unleash the beast”, and leaves Mitch to live another day.
Even though I am ready for bed, the night isn’t over yet.
Kate and Matt are next to incur the group’s wrath.
Matt is basically a Wiggle off duty. He’s all geared up to win Triple J’s Hottest 100 with this energy.
Kate, on the other hand, has never even socialised with people it seems. She starts to go on and on to the group about all the sh*t Matt does. She thinks it’s behind his back. BUT. HE. HEARS. EVERYTHING.
“He wakes up and yawns.” Good lord, she’s worse than Carolina.
After blasting him in front of the group, they talk.
Kate tells Matt that she’s “trying”.
“I sit on the couch with you. I watch TV with you,” she says.
Then, listing a bunch of reasons that make Matt the most eligible groom on the show, she declares that she now just dislikes him more than ever. Cool.
Matt, finally reading the room, says that although the Titanic hasn’t sunk, it has hit an iceberg. This man loves to make references to romantic cinema and it’s pure joy.
After the confusion of Kate yelling at her puppy a.k.a Matt, Al sees his chance to break the tension, however, Samantha will simply not join him in their pre-choreographed routine. F*ck it! He shall dance alone!
Al does a terrible jig because, as he already warned Samantha, he can’t hop alone!
He chucks his white waiter’s dinner jacket at Samantha and then inexplicably slides across the table not once but twice.
His final move is to chuck his undies over the table to Samantha who looks about as happy as someone at a funeral. Her own.
The experts are now concerned for their *most perfect pairing*….
Brent and Mitch then ask Al to sit with them after his one man show and ask him how he is.
He says that life is fkn awesome, except that he met Samantha’s parents and when they asked him what he does in his spare time he said “gaming”.
“What?!” Brent says.
Mitch clutches his head. Oh brother.
“Lie!” says Mitch. “Don’t tell them you game. Tell them you do Lego! That’s better than gaming.”
Mitch has a point, TBH.
When the producers ask Al what he’d say if he could do it over, he gives them a very scared and pre-written response.
“I like investing in stocks. I like real estate. I like having babies with your daughter.”
Al, I mean this… never change.
And now, after a night of perfume, performance and picky women, it’s almost time to hang up Dion’s ankle boots.
WAIIIIIT… first, Dion asks Carolina for “a chat”.
Because he’s a glutton for punishment, Dion says he’s willing to give it one last chance.
Carolina, clearly thinking about her workout routine and Daniel, half nods and accepts the proposal but we all know the truth.
She really likes the gym, breakfast, dance music and Daniel…
Dion is then pressed by the producers.
“Are you exhausted, Dion?” they ask.
Never mind about Dion, I’m f*cking exhausted. Someone call me an Uber…
Until the next dinner party….
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