It’s time!!! it’s time!!!! For episode six and the very first Married at First Sight Australia 2022 dinner party!
We’ve sat through a hundred eight weddings of sixteen perfect strangers and we’re all exhausted.
TBH, I’m already exhausted after the first five episodes. It’s tiring watching men tell their wives they’re dud roots or not attractive, so as a palate cleanser let’s have a little dinner party. A treat, if you will.
First things first. Let’s see who the f*ck is looking for a blue tick (and maybe true love) in 2022?
Selin and Anthony
Oh, Selin and Anthony. We had such faith, we had such hope. These two were the “older” couple this year because Selin is 32 and Anthony has one foot in the grave at 39. Eye roll.
Anthony likes being an “old school gentleman” which was proven when he tried to feed his new wife with airplane noises. Both have kids, which was why the experts put them together.
But, spoiler alert: these two fkn hate each other.
Domenica and Jack
Domenica is Italian. Jack is Italian.
Domenica likes dogs. Jack had a dog in a tuxedo at the wedding.
Domenica was once married, Jack didn’t give a shit. These two are cute as hell.
Tamara and Brent
Tamara is a total boss b*tch. By boss b*tch, I mean she moved to Brisbane and is now a Project Manager — whatever that is.
Brent worked in Dubai doing something with clubs. Tamara thought he was a barman and hated him for that until she realised he made more than tips and suddenly fell in love with him.
Brent and Tamara had two separate fights about cutlery at their wedding. It was very weird. These two have the sexual chemistry of cousins but know that more screen time means a blue tick, so they’ll stick around.
Holly and Andrew
Holly is apparently also old… she’s 36. It’s a whole thing. She’s so old, she wants kids and like, NOW.
Andrew already has a kid. But, he’s also from Texas and he’s been hitched twice and neither has worked out.
While this is absolutely not a match, both love manifesting. They talk about manifesting a lot.
They seemed like an OK pairing until they had sex and Andrew decided to tell Holly that she was terrible in bed and showed no apology for being a total a*shole on national TV.
I see these guys lasting one commitment ceremony and then disappearing forever.
Selina and Cody
Cody seemed like a really lovely surfer type. His bride, Selina is a hyperactive yet adorably sweet hairdresser.
We all believed in love until Cody basically shut down Selina and said not one nice thing about her.
During their honeymoon, the experts threw a grenade at them (and us) by way of the honesty box. Selina was tasked with asking Cody if he was attracted to her.
I must preface this by saying that Selina is a smoke show. Cody, on the other hand, did not seem to agree.
“My schlong isn’t coordinating with my head,” he said to which Selina teared up and so did I.
Basically, a man with a comeover and a mustache — who uses the word “schlong”— somehow decimates Selina’s self-confidence and now, Cody has a target on his back.
Ella and Mitch
Ella is really hot. Mitch is really hot. And frankly, that’s it.
As soon as Ella and Mitch locked eyes with one another, they became insanely horny.
In adoration, Ella licked her lips a lot and Mitch took off his clothes a lot. And even though Ella has a “three-date” rule before doing the hippity dippity, the two had sex.
Mitch even did a naked shower handstand. The whole thing was a fever dream.
Olivia and Jackson
Olivia is beautiful and Jackson is handsome. Both have really sad stories that are legitimately sad, not “we need a plot for this show” sad.
I cried like a lot when these two got married because love isn’t always doing naked handstands in the shower, sometimes it’s about listening and learning and loving.
These two are Cam and Jules 2.0 and I hope they have triplets…
Samantha and Al
Samantha was once nearly engaged until her ex cheated on her. As such, she vehemently hates all men, particularly immature f*ckbois.
Al is 25 and has never had a girlfriend nor made scrambled eggs in his life, so naturally, the experts paired them up.
Al is really handsome, really fun, and is so immature it is borderline worrying. He’s our himbo. He quoted Eminem in his vows and Samantha looked like she wanted the ground to swallow her whole.
So, now we’re all up to speed… it’s time to feed all these big personalities way too much wine.
But first, we must endure the aftermath of Selin and Anthony who didn’t even make it past day two.
In an effort to recreate Ghost, Selin and Anthony ended up recreating a scene from The Real Housewives.
Once again, Anthony has become relatively silent and reveals that off-camera, Selin had allegedly called him a “princess”. It’s traumatic and triggering for everyone — and unfortunately, this will be the theme of the dinner party.
Now separated, Selin reveals that she wants to get there first so that she can throw Anthony under a huge bus chat to the gals about it.
While we already know mayhem is about to begin, Selin does the most offensive thing of all. Rather than saving it to throw on top of Anthony, she leaves half a glass of wine behind. Oh.my.god.
Luckily for them, they won’t be the only disaster in the room. Holly, the wannabe mummy blogger, and “I’m the best you’ve ever had” Andrew are also a match made in hell.
During their honeymoon, Andrew had dropped his dressing gown in front of his timid wife. They had sex (SMH) and the next day he told her she wasn’t “physically there”.
While Holly tries to make the best of the situation — even though Andrew is dressed in a large red flag — I know this is going to be a trainwreck, and I am LIVING FOR IT.
It’s dinner parttttty time!
First to the party is Domenica and Jack. They seriously could be the only ones at this party and I’d have fun.
Domenica wants to see everyone because she is the human equivalent of a golden retriever. She made friends with all the women and she wants everyone to have found their soulmate. And by everyone, we mean her new bestie Selin… Awkies.
Wannabe Mummy Blogger Holly and “the King of Sex” arrive followed by Boss Bitch Tamara and “I’m not a barman” Brent.
Tamara beelines for King Sh*t Andrew and terrifies him by saying that she always wanted to go to Texas because she loves serial killers….
And then, after sharing her love of boys who kill, Tamara goes there.
“So, how was the honesty box?” she asks Holly in front of everyone. And, here. we. f*cking go!!
Faarrrkkk. King Sh*t Andrew sits in silence as his wife tells the group that he reckons he’s like “real good at sex”.
“He said he’s had better with a one night stand,” she reveals. F*ck me.
There’s silence. The tension is so thick you could cut it with (an upside-down) knife. And even the experts are like WTF! This match was PERFECT!
Domenica says that if King Sh*t Andrew had said that shit to her she’d tell him to jack himself off.
Andrew then calls Holly “sweetheart” and says it was actually a respectful thing to say. Errrghhhhh this man. Make it stop!
Next, Selin is getting ready to a) arrive by herself and b) blow the lid off this whole thing. She’s going to walk in before Anthony and she’s ready to air her grievances.
Enter: Solo Selin. Everyone, experts included, points out the obvious. Selin is ALONE. No woman should dare be 32 and alone!
Selin sits down with the gals. Well, more specifically boss b*tch Tamara and Domenica, who gather around like the girls at pres ready to protect their own.
But before we can hear more, Samantha and her manchild, Al, arrive.
Samantha tells us that she’s scared that her baby husband is going to do something humiliating. Like what, Sam? Like doing the worm at your wedding — oh, wait, he’s already done that.
Al, who is a loveable idiot, proved to us at his wedding that he doesn’t even know how to dress, so I can understand why she is scared. Maybe he’ll pull his pants down and do the Eagle Rock or ask the wait staff if there’s a beer bong handy…
Living up to all my low expectations, Al walks in and asks for a Vodka Cruiser or some Passion Pop whilst yelling out: “That’s my wife! That’s my wife!”
Al’s gone from literally never having a girlfriend to having a hot wife, and now he’s literally lost his mind. But before he can make a fool of himself, the drama walks in.
Here comes Anthony! He’s alone and all eyes are on him. To rewind a little, Selin has already told EVERYONE that Anthony is the worst. EVERYONE. Whoever had entered this godforsaken dinner party was made aware.
Even the poor waiter who had to endure this sh*t in real-time probably heard it. This is going to be an absolute disaster, and I for one, cannot wait.
There’s a lot of daggers being thrown at Anthony, so Manchild Al — who’s obviously missing his annual boys’ trip for the show — does what every 17 year old stuck in a 25-year-old’s body does… a shoey.
Christ on a bike. Al says he did it because he wanted to “break the ice” and frankly, it was so f*cking stupid but it made for great TV.
Of course, all of Samantha’s fears had come to fruition and she looks at him the way you would an annoying younger cousin. Between this and Anthony/Selin/Wannabe Mummy Blogger Holly and King Sh*t Andrew, I don’t know where to look.
Thankfully, our aforementioned waiter taps the side of a wine glass, I’m triggered… and the couples enter their very first dinner party. God bless us, everyone.
Straight off the bat, our couples begin to talk about who has had sex whilst Selin and Anthony legitimately pretend the other doesn’t exist.
Anthony then learns that Selin has been telling EVERYONE about their bust-up at the honeymoon and Anthony seems shocked because he thought no one would notice that they walked in four hours apart.
Once again, Tamara and Domenica bring out their best “you touch my best friend, I will castrate you” vibe.
Domenica keeps asking why Anthony left the honeymoon early and Tamara makes a bunch of sassy hand movements basically saying, they “should’ve sorted this out earlier.” Anthony says nothing. No one wins.
Holly then comes in after six red wines and says so, so many words but none of them make sense. She is doing the equivalent of when you have a word count for an essay and you’re trying to get there.
I adore Holly, but this speech is absolute nonsense.
She finishes her babble the way every good boss babe does and says, “love and warmth.” She’s a real-life Instagram post.
After Holly’s long-winded speech about nothing, everyone is confused.
Then, the gals and guys separate into packs.
Brent calls the room a “school disco” because it’s boys down one end and girls down the other.
Al thinks it really is a school disco because he just had his year six one last year and knows what it’s like.
He then screams down the table at Samantha and asks her to slow dance, which she unsurprisingly turns down…
Then, the bois give Al some horrendously sh*t advice about going over there and being aggressively affectionate.
He fist bumps all the fellas before heading over to his wife and kissing her on the cheek. Samantha squeals in disgust. It’s true love…obviously.
Of course, the only thing of consequence this week — besides the disastrous honesty box — has been Selin and Anthony’s doomed relationship.
Even though we’re sure Al is about to slide down the centre of the table with his tie around his head, we follow the couple as they leave to talk about their relationship.
At first, it seems like Selin may have come around. Anthony says that they’re both great parents and that he wants to give this another go.
However, Selin is actually not fine and she’s still seeing red that he would have the audacity to leave their honeymoon early.
The experts want to remove her. I want her removed. But the producers think she makes great TV, so we’re forced to endure another gazillion hours of her banging on about him leaving.
The whole argument is a trainwreck. These two make me want to never date again. Nothing is resolved which means this will continue on forever…
And with that, the first dinner party is over.
Already, two couples need to separate yesterday and one man-child has done a shoey.
If this is not the Married at First Sight we know and love, then I don’t know what is.
Until next week…
Know something about MAFS or Al Perkins that we don’t? Spill the tea here!
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Want even more goss? Listen to episode 145 of the So Dramatic! podcast with Megan Pustetto below!
Know something that we don’t? Spill the tea here!
Get the tea first! Follow So Dramatic! on Instagram and tune in on Mondays to get your reality tea fix with the So Dramatic! podcast with Megan Pustetto.
