This week has been an absolute mess, just for something completely new. Because we all f**cked up in our previous lives, there’s not one, not two, but three new couples.
But before we get into it, let’s catch up with all of our current “lovebirds”.
Selin and Anthony
Selin and Anthony have been getting along.
Selin also turned a leaf and became a fan favourite when she jumped to Holly’s defence at the commitment ceremony.
It’s really jarring to see but godspeed, and good luck. Something tells me this won’t last.
Brent and Tamara
Brent and Tamara know two things for sure.
1) they detest one another and 2) more screen times means more lucrative influencer careers so they’re still hanging around.
Cody and Selina
Cody and Selina had S.E.X. Woooooo!
In this house, we stan sex. So now they’ve gone from toxic to top of the pile. God bless this mess!
Domenica and Jack
Domenica and Jack went to one of the intruder’s weddings this week. Domenica decided to drink the bar dry and started an argument for no reason. It was kind of great.
During the wedding, she announced that Jack doesn’t flush the toilet nor make her coffee.
Jack is understandably astounded and annoyed. Oh. God.
Jackson and Olivia
Jackson and Olivia have fallen far far from grace.
Once our favourites, they have now turned into evil villains when they gaslit and treated Holly like sh*t after her husband ghosted her.
It was a whole thing and I hated it. Liv and Jacko are on my hit list.
Andrew and Holly
Speaking of hellfires, enter the ring, Andrew and Holly.
Holly was abandoned by her fake husband and arrived at the commitment ceremony alone.
She then made an impassioned speech and we all applauded…except for Jackson and Olivia who are both sickeningly in love and just kind of sickening. Oh how the tables turn….
Mitch and Ella
Oh, speaking of disappointments…
Mitch has turned into a petulant child this week. WHY?! He said that he doesn’t need to give Ella compliments because they’ve already had sex and then doubled-down and said “you’re already on my board”. He looked annoyed about the whole thing, the whole experiment.
The experts told him to basically get over himself. Something tells me he won’t.
IT’S NEW COUPLE TIIIIIIME!!
We have three new couples and I give them all a one in one million chance of survival.
Carolina and Dion
Carolina is 34. She has an online bag business (?). She also has “baggage” because she has a 15 year old son. (Author’s note: children aren’t baggage!).
She was three hours late to her wedding because she hated her makeup, booted the makeup artist out and washed it all off. She’s been partnered with Dion.
Dion is moneeeeeeeeyyyyy! He’s Versace, Versace, Versace. But he’s also incredibly endearing. He seems completely gaudy but amazing.
He’s short, because apparently it matters. Well, it does. To Carolina.
Carolina also told Dion that he had only ever gotten girls before because he’s rich. I am rooting for Dion and Dion alone.
Matt and Kate
Kate is 36 and she says she’s been called “ugly” her whole life.
She repeats over and over again that she’s been rejected her whole life. Then she meets her husband Matt and calls him unattractive. He has a very *surprised Pikachu face*…
Matt is 39. He is incredibly weird but so lovely. He also has fostered 27 children in his life, so he’s amazing.
He announces to Kate at their wedding that he is sorry if his breath smells but it’s on account of the chicken Twisties he had just devoured. Kate looked like she wanted the ground to swallow her whole.
Their whole relationship is just Matt yelling “watch me jump in the pool” and Kate rolling her eyes.
Jessica and Daniel
We had so much hope!
Everything was all good until it went absolutely fkn pear-shaped.
At the wedding, Jessica called it (rightfully) a fake wedding. Daniel stormed away.
On their “honeymoon” they had one nice moment followed by several sh*t ones.
I give these two another two days before they actually rip each others’ heads off.
IT’S HONEYMOON TIIIIMEEEEE!
It’s time to leave the lover’s lairs that are the honeymoon suites.
Jessica and Daniel are still reeling after a fight last night. Jessica had demanded that Daniel tell her what he doesn’t find attractive about her. Daniel, smartly refusing to take the bait, says “no”. She storms away.
Later in the night, like a scene from The Blair Witch Project, Daniel hides under his covers.
He’s been eavesdropping on Jessica and overheard her talking absolute smack about him on the phone.
The next morning, he confronts her and Jessica very eloquently refers to him as a “little bitch.” Oh, GAWD! Where do they find these people?!
Next, Dion has already determined his role as loving husband and packs up all six suitcases in the car.
Much like Holly dragging her chair away from her husband last week, he dramatically drags the suitcases noisily down a driveway.
His wife lies in bed and demands that Dion already know her coffee order. He obliges, making her an almond latte and she declares that it’s been an “easy morning.”
Back at camp Matt and Kate, there’s not much to say.
Apart from the fact that Matt creepily watches Kate sleep… these two have the dynamic of cousins who see each other once a year at Christmas and Kate doesn’t want to be there.
Matt tells Kate that her tag is hanging out and Kate looks like he’s just told her he ran over her cat. It is uncomfortable.
IT’S TIME TO GET REAAADDDYYYYY!!!!
All of our original couples are getting ready for dinner party numero trois.
AND WE HAVE OUR FIRST BIT OF GOOD NEWS!
Golden Retriever Puppy Al had sex with his bride, Samantha! I clap! He claps! We all smile in glee! Finally, some good fkn news!!!
Al has quickly become Australia’s little brother. Everyone is ecstatic for him, but no one more than me! Yay, Al! Get it, brotha!
Then he says the most Al stuff ever.
“It’s good!” he says, “I call her babe sometimes now. And I kiss her. And then I say ‘see ya later’”.
But when one relationship has sex, another turns sour. Selina and Cody, who had a great time in root week and actually rooted, are arguing.
To cut a long story short, Selina and Cody had a disagreement and Selina wanted a hug. Cody didn’t want to hug her.
That’s it. That’s the story.
Hey, Cody? Maybe hug your wife.
And in “will they break up, won’t they break up” town, it is — surprise surprise — Selin and Anthony.
This time Selin is angry that Anthony puts his feet on the coffee table. F*ck.
She spent the whole commitment ceremony winning back our love when she defended Holly and now she’s undone it all.
In this crappy serviced apartment somewhere in Sydney’s CBD she’s berating Anthony. It’s not an antique, Selin. It’s some crappy IKEA furniture. Let the man rest.
Over at Matt and Kate’s apartment, they are still pretending that Kate doesn’t want to throw him out the window.
Matt, who is lovable but just genuinely weird, trims his beard with what look like fabric scissors and then asks Kate to hold her hand.
Kate, the mistress of deflecting, gives him a vague “yeeeaaaaahhhhhhhhh” before walking out of shot.
Oh these two just make me bury my head in hands. Make it STOP!!!!!!!
In the Uber ride in, Matt announces that much like Kate’s stunning gown, he also used to have pink hair. Oh, Matt. I love you.
Across town, in another rather icy Uber, Daniel asks the Uber driver to turn the aircon up because he’s cold.
Jessica points out that if Daniel wanted the aircon warmer then technically it should be “turned down”. Oh, for f**k sake, literally who cares?
These two are both terrible.
They go back and forth until Daniel declares that Jessica doesn’t even like him. WOW! I WONDER WHERE HE GOT THAT IDEA?!
They bicker the whole car ride in and receive zero stars on their Uber rating.
IT’S PRE-DRINKS TIIIIIMEE!!!
Selina and Cody arrive first after they’ve finished arguing about a hug. Cody is wearing the shirt he got at a Full Moon Party in Kho Pangang 2012.
Domenica and Jack are next, followed quickly by Selin and Anthony. What a fun party! Three couples who hate one another!
Brent and Tamara enter next. Brent looks like he’s about to sell me a house with no bathroom and Tamara is giving huge Real Housewives energy. Which is no surprise, this is her destiny.
Samantha and Al are next! These two are so in love! Al is even allowed to say “see ya” to Sam. It’s a real Shakespeare play — let’s hope it’s not a tragedy!
Al announces to the group that they have “consumicated their marriage.” OH MY GOD. I love him.
“The one eyed snake got some action. The little sausage.” Al is a real Hemingway.
Ella and Mitch walk in, followed by Jackson and Olivia.
Now that all the old couples have entered, it’s time for a fkn disaster – A.K.A, the new couples.
But before they do, Jessica and Daniel continue to argue literally the whole Uber ride.
I’ve had more coherent arguments whilst holding a kebab in Fitzroy at 4am. Someone give these guys a white flag. We are ready to surrender.
Back at the dinner party, in walks Matt and Kate.
Matt, not surprisingly, talks enthusiastically about how obsessed he is with both his wife Kate and the movie The Notebook.
Dion and Carolina are next. Dion wore his (sparkly) best outfit but honestly, at this point, Dion is Prince William compared to the rest of these clowns.
Seeing two new couples arrive, Al has now entered the chat.
Al, doing his best “this is Sparta” impersonation screams at the newlyweds “INITIAAAATTIIIONNNN”.
We don’t even get a visual of Samantha at this point because we can all assume she’s somewhere necking a bottle of Rosè and gazing longingly into the distance.
Al, unsurprisingly, takes off his shoe and declares this is “initiation”.
Dion, being somewhat normal and definitely over 30, politely declines the shoe and motions that he drinks out of normal drinking vessels, A.K.A glasses.
Matt, on the other hand, is eager to please. He sips from the
golden chalice shoe. He then refers to the shoey as a “nice touch.”
Last up is the surprise couple: Jessica and Daniel.
As Jessica climbs out of the car she slams the door in her new husband’s face.
This, is World War III.
Finally, Jessica and Daniel enter the party.
Al declares to wife Samantha that Daniel is “hot” and Jessica is also “hot”. Let’s not forget that the bride’s have actually met Jessica before, but FAKE first impressions…
Al sweeps in and tells Daniel he “loves his teeth.” Has Al ever met… people before?
Jessica wastes no time in trashing her new husband. She tells the group that they haven’t gotten along once and calls them “oil and water.”
These two aren’t just oil and water. They’re petrol and a naked flame.
DING DING DING!!!!!!!! IT’S DINNER TIIIIIMEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!
To say I’ve been to more comfortable at funerals would be an understatement.
Without losing one single second, Daniel and Jessica have a huge fight across the table.
When I say Daniel and Jessica, I mean that Jessica b*tches and berates Daniel in front of his face and he sits in silence. It’s basically the cold war but with Instagram.
Domenica gets involved and she goes in two feet first. She begins to grill Jessica about why she hates Daniel’s sensitivity.
Domenica says that Jessica is holding something back and there must be a real reason why she hates Daniel.
As usual, they go around in circles.
It feels like drunken argument that we’ve entered halfway through. No one is making sense. They call each other princesses and children.
Jessica says the most brutal thing of all — she’s going to Photoshop Domenica out of her life.
As a palate cleanser to the extremely confusing argument between Jessica and Domenica we get one wasted Matt.
Matt didn’t just do a shoey but he has also had about 1,000 beers.
He waxes lyrical about his affection for Kate.
Kate looks embarrassed.
Matt looks like the drunk uncle at a wedding. To be honest, it’s a welcome change from the Domenica and Jess argument.
It’s Selina and Cody’s time for a drunken debate.
Selina asks why Cody doesn’t hug her and Cody says he can’t recover from how eMoTiOnAL she is.
OMFG CODY! HUG YOUR WIFE! Even the experts are yelling it.
It’s painful to watch. Cody turns his back on Selina whilst she cries into a napkin.
It’s 3am, we’re all tired.
Speaking of being tired….
Selin and Anthony are tired of faking that they like one another. It becomes a “mum and dad” screaming match over the table. It’s horrible.
Can they both leave? Can we all leave?
After Selin and Anthony’s tiff, Jessica and Domenica go at it.
It’s the same argument. Again.
Daniel becomes emotional and Domenica thinks Jessica should try harder.
Jessica does what every adult does. She storms out. She calls Domenica her favourite word and says that she’s tired of “that b*tch.”
And, just when we think that the drama is finished, we’re ready to throw in the towel, Carolina and Daniel meet.
Oh, Carolina and Daniel. Carolina “my husband is too short” and Daniel “my wife thinks I’m a little b*tch”.
The pair sit down one end of the table and ‘bond’.
Like we haven’t suffered enough. Carolina and Daniel flirt, if by flirt you mean laugh at people who don’t go to the gym. It’s the worst.
Carolina asks Daniel who’s the hottest girl here and he points to Carolina.
Carolina says that she’s always “here to talk to”.
And with that, ladies and gentleman, our cheating scandal commences.
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