It’s BAAAACK! It’s episode 12 of Married at First Sight Australia 2022 and a second dinner party for all us hungry folks. So, what’s been happening?
It’s been, in the words of Domenica, “Root Week” (aka intimacy week). While some got their rocks off others wanted to throw rocks at each other.
Let’s get up to speed with the ‘lucky’ couples.
Selin and Anthony
Anthony, who has some sort of degree in adulting, wrote his like a normal person while Selin, not so much.
The mum-of-one decided to write “stay”, however, it was so small that we needed a magnifying glass — because acting like a child is way funnier than being an adult. Incredible.
While we thought we were going to get a train wreck, during intimacy week the pair hugged. OMG. Then, Selin spray tanned Anthony and the pair moved back in together. This relationship is more confusing than a wrestling match, TBH, but maybe they’ll be OK.
Brent and Tamara
Brent and Tamara have had sex! Congrats to the ‘happy’ couple.
Tamara was able to let go of her “what car does he drive?” shtick and Brent managed to bypass his fear and disdain for his TV bride long enough to bang! Woooohoooo we love sex!
Unfortunately, things took a turn during Intimacy Week and they yelled at each other like siblings. A lot.
Cody and Selina
Selina is really hot and Cody looks like the guy who still works at City Beach over 30.
This week, Cody confessed to Selina that he wasn’t physically attracted to her and that it may be on account of her race. FACE PALM.
The absolute sh*t show left Selina, quite rightfully, fkn devastated.
Then, during intimacy week, the pair reconnected with kisses and sh*t and Selina gave Cody a decent haircut for once.
Domenica and Jack
Domenica and Jack have been getting along like a house on fire — except for when it comes to period sex.
After being sent a box of sex toys, Jack played with a feather instead of Domenica and things got a bit weird.
Jackson and Olivia
Jackson and Olivia are disgustingly in love. That’s the update.
They have even started to couple dress. It’s beautiful, it’s sickening. They’re our winners — if anyone can win on this godforsaken show.
Samantha and Al
Al is the sweetest thing ever. I love him.
Al has also become a fan favourite and this author’s favourite (call me!).
After Samantha and Al were told to make out for five minutes Al declared, “that’s not how friends kiss!”
So, Al is in his first ever relationship (or is it?!)… we stan.
Mitch and Ella
The power hot couple have realised that not saying things to each other and just having sex is not what a) the producers want and b) what Ella wants. It’s… tense.
Mitch doesn’t seem to care that much about literally anything. But it’s hard to tell because all we know about Mitch is that he’s capable of doing a naked handstand on wet floor… impressive.
Andrew and Holly
These two hate each other. I hate watching them.
During their commitment ceremony, Andrew pulled out the holy mother of f*ckboi and wrote LEAVE and then decided to write STAY.
Hello?! Andrew?! Bryce Ruthven called from 2021, he wants his move back! It was just as sh*t then and it’s just as sh*t now.
Holly literally had to sage her apartment the last time Andrew left, and I for one do not blame her.
IT’S TIME TO GET REAAAADDYYY
Across a block of serviced apartments in Sydney, eight couples groom themselves for another night of maybe flinging wine at each other or their spouses. (Here’s hopin’!)
Mitch and Ella are getting ready.
Mitch has decided to dress like he’s going to an artist’s funeral. Ella brings up that Mitch basically refuses to kiss her unless they’re having sex, and honestly, Mitch looks completely unphased about literally everything.
Mitch has hot privilege, he’s never had to stress about anything in his life.
We then go to Cam and Jules 2.0.
Jackson and Olivia declare that they’re having “a lot of sex”.
Jackson says, “it’s not a competition but if it is, we’re winning.” AND GOOD FOR THEM.
It’s cool. It’s sickening. Someone get these two a dog and a white picket fence.
Back at Selina and Cody’s, they have a huge announcement to make. They have finally had sex!
I went from despising Cody to actually liking him a bit and I’m now realising he’s a himbo who has maybe never met an Asian woman before. Let’s just wait before we get too excited though…
Holly and Andrew are getting ready in surprise surpriiiiiiiise… separate apartments. We’ve gone around in circles with these two. No one wins. Someone pass me the sage.
Holly declares “It’s war”. Oh, God.
Whilst one war rages on, another begins. We join Brent and Tamara in their traditional “yelling at each other across the apartment” battle cry.
Brent has had the TV up too loud. Tamara hates two things: sh*t cars and too loud TVs.
From what we can gather, Tamara called Brent a “C U Next Tuesday” for blasting her ear drums and Brent yells at her that living with her is a nightmare. Oh.my.god. Break these two up, immediately.
Everyone’s Ubers arrive. Six couples looked loved up, Brent and Tamara look like they want to kill one another and as for Andrew and Holly, well they’re basically in different time zones.
Let’s get this biiiissshhh started.
IT’S PRE DRINKS TIIIIIIIIME!
The first to walk in are Brent and Tamara. They are literally screaming at one another when they open the door.
It’s giving me, “Getting into your friend’s car and realising they’ve been fighting with their parents” vibe.
Brent pours Tamara a drink but looks like he’d rather her be wearing it.
“There’s not much to cheers about”, utters Brent.
Jackon and Olivia are next to walk in. Perfect timing.
These two are so besotted with one another and Jackson asks Olivia if she wants a drink.
“White wine but in like a big glass.” I love her.
Next up is the freshly tanned Anthony and his on-again-off-again wife, Selin.
They’ve couple dressed to prove to the naysayers that not only did they hug this week but they also spray tanned one another and laughed exactly once.
Unlike other dinner parties throughout the seasons, things at these pres are going… too well.
The three couples discuss Anthony’s fake tan and disposable undies. Ya know, normal dinner party chat.
Domenica and Jack come in next, hand-in-hand. Pole dancing lessons and a sex kit during intimacy week have clearly worked well.
Mitch and Ella have managed to pry their genitals off one another and enter next. It’s just five normal couples having a normal time… so far.
After being called out at the commitment ceremony by the experts, Domenica sidelines Anthony and apologises for making him feel isolated last week. Anthony accepts the apology.
I am tres confused that a mature conversation is happening on MAFS.
Following on from their lovely and mature conversation, Domenica questions Anthony about the Texan tool, Andrew.
Anthony admits he and Andrew had a chat this week and that Andrew has a misogynistic side.
WHAT IS HAPPENING?! IS MAFS BECOMING SELF-AWARE?!
Andrew enters the room and all goes quiet. Andrew is alone.
Tamara goes straight in, like a shark circling their kill. Except that then when he sits down they all side with Andrew. Wut?! WUT?! WUUUUUUT?!
Olivia says that Holly rolled her eyes heaps in the commitment ceremony. I’m sorry?! The one where he wrote “leave” and then scribbled it out?! Like Bryce 2.0?! I am CONFUSED.
Andrew looks absolutely stoked that the gang have decided to sympathise with him. He acts like a sad puppy who just “tried to make things work”. You know, like he did with his other two short-lived marriages.
Andrew starts crying heaps and everyone hugs him.
Not even the “experts” comprehend what is happening. Why is everyone siding with Andrew? Why am I siding with the experts?! This is a lot to take on.
Andrew then refers to himself as a “southern gentleman” and there’s honestly not enough wine in the world to deal with this level of self-pity and narcissism.
Just like clockwork, Cody and Selina break up the pity party by entering the room. Oh thank gawd. Thank you!
Al and Sam come in next. Al, who recently got to first base with his wife, enters like he’s about to play beer pong. Bless his cotton socks. I love him so much.
There’s only one more person to arrive. Holly. When we see her in the Uber, she announces that she has her “lipstick and her game face” on.
Enter stage left: Holly.
Holly walks in like a sex bomb and completely snubs Andrew. He yells across the room, “Hey Holly!” Which she (rightfully) ignores. Three times.
Then, under attack, Holly is forced to tell the gals that Andrew hasn’t been nice to her… Olivia, who is like WTF?! Why doesn’t she like this goddamn Texan, asks her to “spit it out”. It’s brutal. The experts are in disbelief and yells, “come on you idiots” and frankly, I’ve had enough of this sh*t, just like them.
DING! DING! DING!
IT’S DINNER TIIIIIIIIIME!
There is truly no rest for the wicked because the drama starts before everyone has sat down.
Holly, taking exactly zero prisoners, drags her chair loudly across the concrete floor, moving away from Andrew. It is so hilariously petulant. I raise my glass to you, Holly!
Everyone is somewhat befuddled by Holly going from talking total motivational gibberish at last week’s dinner party to now throwing all the toys out of her cot this dinner party.
Tamara confronts her, suspecting that Holly is the sh*t one in this. Oh God.
“You don’t understand!!!” Holly yells, while storming into her bedroom and slamming the door. Meanwhile, while her vision board has fallen off the wall and into the bin.
John then says that the “sisterhood” isn’t being sympathetic. Hats off to the editors though because I am finally siding with the experts — the only ones making sense this season.
But, as always, reliable and beautiful Domenica enters the ring.
“As much as I think Holly is a lot… she’s seen something in the way he’s made her feel that we haven’t seen yet.”
Domenica is the friend every girl needs. Andrew is the motivational speaker around here but Domenica is the one who knows what’s up. Someone give this girl a damn podcast!
After giving Andrew “feedback”, Andrew is v unimpressed — the experts on the other hand, absolutely cheering.
“We are blinded by his beautiful I’m Tony Robbins bullshit”, she adds. “Do I think he’s a bullshit artist? Yeah. Yeah, I do.” God she’s good.
Time for a palate cleanser, because it’s been a long night and we all need it.
Our palate cleanser comes in the form of Al and Samantha.
Al goes full Al and breaks the tension by knocking a whole glass of wine over. Not the type of wine spillage we like, but I’ll take it.
Al, who is kind of terrified by his wife Samantha, cleans it up and stands to attention.
Samantha says that she can’t keep getting mad at Al for every little “inconvenience” — like a shoey or watching a movie instead of having sex with her. All is forgiven, these two are now #couplegoals.
Continuing to remind us that experts sometimes do their jobs right, Jackson tells Olivia that she’s the sexiest one here and I’m almost sure there’s stuff going on under the table.
I hate intimacy week.
Across the table, Ella and Mitch discuss with Cody and Selina if they see beyond the experiment. Mitch literally says, “who the f*k cares?” Here we go again.
Ella says that she wants to feel wanted and Mitch says, “I’ve already had sex with you. You’re on my board. It’s done!” F*ck me.
Mitch calls everything stupid and then Ella utters, “point taken.”
In a string of couples who’ve been fed way too much cheap Chardonnay, Tamara and Brent argue about the TV volume but honestly I check out. I’ve had more interesting arguments with my cat.
Al continues to be everyone’s unexpected season favourite and asks to take Holly to the side. He says he loves Holly and hates that she looks uncomfortable. OMG, bless.
But then, things take a weird turn when Holly takes the opportunity to give sex advice. She role plays a too small kitchen and how to come onto Samantha…
Holly, for the second dinner party running, has clearly had one too many Prosecco’s. She mimes brushing up behind Samantha and talks in a very strange and sultry voice.
The whole thing is a wonderful fever dream that I wish to forget… immediately.
Anthony and Selin, aka last week’s villains, and Holly and Andrew, this week’s villains, all sit down together. And sh*t gets awkward. Real fast.
It goes absolutely nowhere and Selin thinks she has the authority to give…ADVICE. WTF SELIN.
It’s a drunken argument between four people who have all been plied Fruity Lexia for the better part of 12 hours. Lord, help us.
But then something amazing happens.
Andrew is done. He is done. (We are all done, tbh.) It’s 2am and the party is over.
Andrew, sweet talking MLM adjacent Texan redhead Andrew leaves the building. He yeets himself out of there.
For good? Only God knows. Ask and ye shall receive.
Until the next dinner party, may you all sage your apartments of the Andrews in your life.
Because, Holly has just proved… saging really does work.
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