It’s here! It’s here! It’s the Oscars of Australian reality TV if they all of a sudden became woke. It’s the night we’ve all been waiting for. Episode 12 of The Bachelorette Australia 2021. The Finale.
We open with Australia’s Favourite Dad, Osher. Well, well, well. He’s finally fulfilling his contract to appear on TV. You can’t always be recording podcasts, Osher…
Kween Brooke is back in her Wiggles skivvy. Looking as beautiful as ever. I am rooting for her. Unlike Captain Jimmy, I want her to find endless happiness.
As with every finale, it’s time to catch up with the final two.
Firstly, we have “no-nickname” Jamie Lee. While she’s had an entire season with Kween Brooke, we are tortured with getting a series of flashbacks to He Who Must Not Be Named series.
Jamie Lee is beautiful, and that’s about all we know of her.
Next up, we see
the winner the Prince of Persia Darvid’s highlight reel.
Darvid is cool, calm, collected. He’s the rock. The one who you can act like a cray person around and doesn’t waver. He’s the steady buoy in a sea of waves…
Before long, we’re back with our Kween. We see her chatting to a First Nations elder who says that her happiness is all that matters.
It is roughly five minutes into the episode and I’m already sobbing.
This season has ruined me. It has made me believe in love. A 32-year-old divorcee remembers that love exists. There is nothing mean nor cynical to say. Brooke Blurton has erased my ability for cynicism. She is my Australian of the Year.
“I’m talking from Gwambygine, in Ballardong country, your country,” he says.
“I want you to know that your mum and your grandmum are with you.” I’m crying. Kween Brooke is crying. The whole Nation is shedding a tear…
IT’S MEET THE FRIENDS TIIIIIMEEEE!
Oh. But we were having such a nice time…
First up, Jamie Lee and Prince of Persia will be meeting Kween Brooke’s friends. She’s selected a girl named Amy and Konrad with a K’s bae, Abbie Chatfield.
Amy is a First Nations woman and Abbie is, well, Abbie.
F*CK ME good luck Darvid and Jamie Lee, better you than me.
Prince of Persia is thrown into the lion’s den first. Amy and Abbie are out for blood, ready to examine our Prince to make sure he’s good enough for our Kween. Spoiler alert: No one is.
Upon first impressions, Abbie and Amy notice the sexual chemistry between Brooke and Darvid. They’ve always had insane sexual chemistry. Anyone with eyes can see it…
The Prince of Persia is whisked away by Amy to be given the third degree. Amy talks about the Indigenous name of where Kween Brooke is from and quizzes Darvid. He has no idea. He skips over his words and stumbles and THIS is the sh*t we should be learning in school.
“You don’t know that? So, it would take dating an Aboriginal woman for you to start to consider that you live on Aboriginal land?!”
Okay, I love Amy.
Prince of Persia says he’s willing to learn all about Kween Brooke — including where she’s from and her history with Australia. He seems genuine and Amy believes it.
Next up, Abbie meets with Darvid one-on-one.
She’s tasked with grilling Darvid about his feelings for her. He admits he’s falling in love and Abbie naturally yells in his face. “TELL HER”.
Now, it’s time for Jamie-Lee to experience intense psychoanalysis.
Amy then questions Jamie-Lee, the same way she did Darvid.
“Do you know who Brooke’s mob is?”
EEEEESSSHHHH. Amy quizzes Jamie-Lee further.
Jamie Lee doesn’t know what to say. She is looking for a lifevest, an oxygen mask.
Once alone, Amy tells Kween Brooke that she doesn’t think it’s good that she and Jamie-Lee have been friends for so long and that she knows nothing about her. It is SO AWKWARD. SEND HELP.
Amy calls her a red flag. Faaaaarkkkkkkkkkkk…. this ain’t good.
Sidebar: These are very important conversations to be having on commercial television. For so long, we haven’t celebrated the land that we live on, nor been pushed to educate ourselves. As hard as it was to watch, this conversation is so overdue.
IT’S JAMIE-LEE’S FINAL DATE TIIIIME!
Jamie Lee is up first.
Kween Brooke takes her on a helicopter ride – the Australian Bachelor franchise special. I’m happy for Jamie-Lee. She’s finally having a moment.
Then… once back on solid ground, they are greeted with…GOD HELP ME. Fkn motorbikes. ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Jamie Lee looks as though she’s en route to a root canal. I do NOT blame her. This date is fkn torture.
Pretending she likes this sh*t, Jamie Lee graciously feigns excitement, because if she did otherwise, it would be game over. Like my worst nightmare, they ride the BMXs through the bush. OMFG someone send this girl her Gucci sneakers, she does not deserve this.
IT’S WINE AND CHEESE TIIIIIIME!
Jamie-Lee and Kween Brooke are taken to a beautiful and romantic setting. There’s a token fire and finally some actual wine and cheese.
Brooke looks like she’d rather be anywhere but here. Oh god, let this suffering end.
IT’S DARVID’S FINAL DATE TIIIIIIIME!
It’s time for Prince of Persia to convince Kween Brooke that he and his mum aren’t in fact conjoined twins.
Kween Brooke says it’s a “different” sort of date. Oh, yes! They’re finally going to go to a gig, drink too much and tell the other person that they’ve Instagram stalked their ex and then cry.
No. It’s a tantric sex date. LOL! WUT!!!!!!!!!!!
Prince of Persia rightfully says that he’s never had a date like this before and Darv, me either. This is normally a four drink minimum sort of date.
The pair… straddle each other. Where Jamie Lee got to ride bikes, Darvid gets to ride Kween Brooke. It’s hot, but also fkn weird. What is this date????!!!!!!!
Prince of Persia takes his top off. LOL. This HAS to be a joke. I take a cold shower to cool off. There’s way too much to unpack.
These two have insane sexual chemistry. It’s all over. The Prince of Persia has won.
IT’S WINE AND CHEESE TIIIIIME!
While Jamie Lee has declared her love over and over, the Prince of Persia struggles with any love that isn’t that of one with Brisbane and his mum.
The pair talk about their future and Darvid says he has something to say. OMFG, IT’S HAPPENING!!!!!
Wait, he says that he “really likes her.” Oh my god, this is as disappointing as a Hinge date….
WAIT JUST A GODAMN SECOND… the producers got us! He then whispers to her, “I love you”. Kween Brooke being the Kween she is goes, “say it again, louder” I LOVE her.
“I love you.”
Pack this shit up, it’s done.
Kween Brooke, for the first time in the Bachelor franchise, tells the camera she “absolutely loves” Darvid. BEFORE the final rose ceremony. OMG at least pay for Jamie Lee’s Uber guys, this is just cruel now.
HOLY MOLY! IT’S FINAL ROSE CEREMONY TIIIIIME!!!!!!
Dressed like Cinderella going to the ball, Kween Brooke looks absolutely RAVISHING!!! She meets Australia’s Favourite Dad, Osher and frankly, we’ve seen more of him in this episode than the entire season put together.
Osher is tacky and daggy but his blinding belief in love is admirable.
He gives his usual final speech but I’m too busy staring at Brooke. She looks like she’s from another planet, she is so breathtakingly beautiful.
Then Brooke is left alone and we wait to see who is about to get their heartbroken on National TV…
Then, without any producer edit or zero psych moments, Jamie Lee gets out of the car first.
Jamie-Lee approaches Kween Brooke but she seems like she already knows the outcome. She looks convinced.
Brooke lets her down gently. Jamie-Lee takes it with grace. There is no dramatic breakdown, there is no anger nor begging. It is pure and calm.
WHAT IS HAPPENING?! Why is this SO NICE?!
Jamie-Lee gets in her Uber, cranks up Adele’s Easy On Me and disappears.
Then it’s time.
Prince of Persia Darvid walks up to meet Brooke. He was our clear winner from the start. Kween Brooke loses herself around him in the most beautiful way.
Brooke says to Darvid: “You granted me three wishes and I still have one left. Will you make me the happiest girl in the world?”
OH MY GOD, I AM SOBBING! IT’S PURE F*UCKING MAGIC!
Kween Brooke and Prince of Persia Darvid kiss.
And that’s it. Our season of firsts is all over.
I believe in their love and I am so happy for her.
And, you know what? I’m STILL over here crying.
Until Married at First Sight, my friends. This has been a pure, beautiful event!
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