It’s hump day and no better way to end it than to eat a tasty dinner with the cast of Married at First Sight Australia 2022. Jks, these dinner parties put me off both food and people….
But, before we get served a delicious morsel of drama, let’s catch up with our betrothed. I’m sure it’s been a quiet mellow week. Right? RIGHT?!
This week, the doomed contestants were sent on the cursed Couples Retreat. Sent off to a $6,000 a night Airbnb, they drank too much wine and screamed at each other. It was hectic. But excellent TV.
Selina and Cody
Let’s start with something kind of palatable.
These two seem to like each other this week.
Selina is still remarkably hot and Cody is the sort of guy you swipe right on and then forget to respond to him.
Tamara and Brent
These two get along and then they don’t. And then they do and then they don’t. It’s not interesting enough to be dramatic. Unfortunately, there is no upside-down knife at this retreat.
Brent gifted Tamara a bunch of flowers with a card calling her “Mrs Vitellio”, and Tamara had a fkn meltdown because she forgot she was on MAFS and she’s already married.
Ella and Mitch
Mitch seems to be doing slightly more than the bare minimum which is lovely to see.
Everyone’s favourite Ella has gone from hornbag to homegirl this week, as she swooped in and was a loyal friend to Domenica.
Domenica and Jack
Speaking of Domenica, our feisty Italian has been out for blood — and this week, not menstruation.
She and Jack had a falling out because Domenica doesn’t have an inside voice and loudly told the girls that her and Jack don’t have sex that much. Jack overheard, they had a big fight.
Then, at the Girl’s Night, Dom was personally victimised by Olivia, who piped up and said that she had blacked out after having an orgasm that afternoon (no one asked, Liv!).
Domenica then started going hard at Carolina for basically being unpleasant and unlikeable.
Liv, again choosing sides with the enemy, sides with
Regina George Carolina and starts to yell, telling Domenica to shut the fk up because she hates her voice.
Domenica, drunk and emotional, smashes a glass on the table.
Even though he was PISSED at his bride, Jack was the real MVP and comforted her.
I really miss the time Domenica was cuddling dogs, but I too want to smash a glass when Olivia speaks…
Olivia and Jackson
Talk about a fall from grace. The once revered couple have become public enemy number one. Where to start?
- Olivia told us that she once was fired from being a bridesmaid because she declared the dress to be ugly. To get back at the bride she cut the dress into five pieces and mail them back to her. Normal behaviour. Obviously.
- She called Domenica “white trash”, when she is in fact, behaving like “white trash”.
- She told everyone that Domenica was waving the broken glass in her face as a weapon — she wasn’t.
- She sided with cheater Carolina for god knows what reason just to annoy Domenica.
- She loudly declared that she needs a Xanax before Domenica speaks.
It’s been a really rough week concerning Olivia. And Jackson? Well, he’s there. Nothing of note.
Samantha and Al
Over in Heartbreak Hotel, Samantha wrote “leave” at the Commit Ceremony and Al looked absolutely devo.
At the retreat, he found his groove again.
He did the worm in Dion’s tracksuit, jumped in a swamp and wrote a very cute yet childish poem to his bride. Samantha doesn’t know whether to kiss him or laugh at him.
Matt and Kate
Matt gifted Kate with Viktor and Rolf perfume which Kate found to be disgusting and then she wrote “leave”, but of course, Matt kept her hostage by writing “stay”.
Then, at the retreat, Kate started to realise that every other couple is absolutely insane and that maybe Matt isn’t too bad.
They have a hot tub together, he slaps her ass and she tells him to leave her the fk alone. Jokingly… kind of.
Dion and Carolina
I’ve seen less tense relationships between North and South Korea.
Dion wrote “stay” and Carolina wrote, “leave”. However, Dion wanted to change his response at the Commitment Ceremony after she trashed him over and over again.
The only thing we know about Carolina is that she likes the gym, eggs for breakfast and her eggs fertilised by Daniel in the morning.
That’s right, disgraced and dumped groom Daniel forgot to board his flight back to Brisvegas and is loitering around Sydney like a bad smell.
He and Carolina had the world’s most off-putting make out session in a fire escape and said the word “horny” a lot. It was fkn disgusting TBH.
IT’S THE FINAL MORNING OF THE RETREAT !
We open at the $6,000 a night retreat — which only one per cent of the population can afford. It sounds peaceful but in the MAFS world, it’s a chaotic mix of bullies, victims and glasses being broken. It’s a fkn hot mess.
Ella and Domenica debrief about the night before. T
o cut a long story short – Olivia acted like a fkn psycho and Domenica is rightfully exhausted.
In a bed across the retreat, Jackson and Olivia are experiencing a bump in their ~pErfEct~ relationship. There’s trouble in paradise.
Olivia says: “I tried I tried a lot.” She didn’t. It was filmed. We watched it.
Jackson comforts her for some reasons unknown, feeding into her ego, however, is like: “What the actual F*CK have I got myself into?!”
“No more snide comments darling,” utters Jackson…or something to that effect.
Olivia cries without tears for the fourth time this week.
Can someone please remove any scissors from her reach? Lest she destroys another gown and boasts about it years later… *eye roll*.
I was starting to come around as Olivia sobbed but through her tears she calls Domenica “white trash” again. Gross. In the bin. Thank u, next!!!!!!!!
In Camp Kate and Matt, while there’s a pillow fortress between them, they’re in the same bed.
Holy. Sh*t. It’s called progress, people!
They’re still very much in friend zone territory, but say that the last “12 hours” has been MAGIKAL. Kates’s eyes have remained firmly facing forward, and it’s been nice to not see them roll to the back of her head every time Matt breathes.
IT’S TIME TO GET REAAAADYYYYY
All the couples go to bed early because it’s a BIIIIIIG day tomorrow. They’ll need their strength to get dressed, yell at one another other and throw wine. Except, of course, for Carolina.
She’s gonna go and see ol’ “only does up two buttons”, Daniel.
Daniel and Carolina want to “pick up where they left off”.
They pash in a fire escape and utter the word “horny” a lot whilst Daniel gropes Carolina’s arse. It was truly a horror film and I had to turn the sound off.
The cursed couple meets in a suspiciously empty bar, much like the suspiciously empty gym they first met up in.
Daniel says really hot sh*t like: “I got your favourite alcohol” and “I’ve been training, eating and sleeping”.
Have you been breathing as well, Danny boy?
They then say weird sh*t like: “I like you massaging my leg” and “you have smooth legs” and seriously, these two have one brain cell passing between them…
There’s more horrific making out and I am currently working on a letter to Nine suing them for emotional distress. MAKE. IT. STOP.
Back in Kate and Matt’s room, the 10-minute fairytale is over. Last night, Matt got fkn wasted…
I’m sorry but the image of Matt getting absolutely childlike sideways is hilarious to me. But you know who didn’t find it funny? Kate.
And, apparently everyone saw it. Fkn LOOOOLLLLLLL!
Mitch and Ella talk about how he barged into their room offering them a drink and swaying around.
It sounds hilarious and innocent compared to the soft-core porn we just had to witness between two beef heads, so I am loving Matt at this point.
Kate is not happy with her husband but TBH, when is she ever?
In an effort to sound more mature, Matt says he’s sorry for his “inebriation.”
Kate says that she doesn’t want that in a husband, but all I’ve heard is what Kate doesn’t want. So, what does Kate actually want? The mystery continues…
To the surprise of fkn no one, Brent and Tamara once again hate each other. OMG make it stop.
I actually love these two individually but they have such cousin energy it’s becoming disturbing. Just give it up, guys.
Tamara is still mad that Brent wrote his last name on her bunch of flowers. Tamara, darling, are you lost?!
Back in the land of Olivia and Jackson, they talk about the dinner party.
Olivia talks so much about the smashed glass that I nearly smash a glass into my own skull just to remind me I’m conscious and not living in a waking nightmare.
Olivia calls Domenica trash and then ironically a chihuahua. Who’s the trash again, Livvy?
In Domenica and Jack’s room, Domenica is also talking about their tiff, nay, FULL-ON FIGHT-FEST.
Then we cut to the blessed Dion and Carolina.
Carolina — God knows where she found her pedestal from after pashing on with old airhead Danny Boy — calls Domenica a “mean girl”. Oh STFU. PLEASE.
Then, in the same breath, Carolina talks shite about Dion and goes on and on about how she wants to be walking into the dinner party with Daniel.
If they swap out fabulous jacketed Dion with nipples out Daniel, I will walk into the Yarra River and risk getting leptospirosis.
IT’S PRE-DRINKS TIIIIIIME!
People in Ubers all around Sydney talk about Olivia and Domenica’s fight.
To quote Domenica, “I’m bored.”
Arriving at the cocktail party first, Selina and Cody enter and I’m just gonna say it, they look absolutely smokin’!!
Following the seriously hot couple, Ella and Mitch arrive. They also look smokin’.
After two seemingly “gewd” couples (YAY!), Brent enters the room. Alone (Oh.)
He looks hot too.
This is now just a room full of hotties.
And then…in walks Tamara. Awkies. She looks hot and mean….
Next to arrive are Olivia and Jackson.
Olivia is already furious. Good to know that this is all water under the bridge for Oli….Oh, no. She’s already talking sh*t about Domenica. This is gonna be a long night.
Kate and Matt enter next, in a cloud of Viktor and Rolf.
Matt declares he’s in trouble with the missus. He’s “stuffed up”. He’s also severely hungover, poor sod.
Kate whinges about Matt being drunk but Kate whines about everything, so it’s hard to tell if this is just normal.
Next to enter are Samantha and Al.
Al, as innocent as ever, reveals that his poem has cured all their woes but Samantha still just looks annoyed at his general presence.
Then in comes Mr Fabulous Jackets himself. Dion in yet another fabulous outfit arrives, sans a fabulous wife.
No big loss, his wife is probably eating breakfast.
Then we cut to Carolina, who is in her Uber ranting about how much she wishes she was with Daniel, before entering into the dinner party probably thinking about Daniel.
Somewhere across town, Domenica and Jack are in an Uber to hell… also known as a MAFS dinner party.
Domenica declares her weapon is Chanel lipstick. Hell yeh.
Back at the cocktail party, Olivia spends the time before Domenica arrives by circling the women, “recruiting an army” as Samantha puts it.
It’s f*cking awkward and needs to end.
Then, Domenica and Jack arrive.
Olivia gracefully says that she’ll hug Jack as he “didn’t throw a glass in my face”. No one did, babe.
Domenica declares she’s not drinking anything tonight and Olivia declares war. The whole thing is just… confusing.
ICutting to another unhealthy relationship, Kate decides she should b*tch about Matt in front of Matt. So whilst Matt sits on the couch, Kate explains in detail to Selina that he’s a child.
The rest of the pre drinks is Olivia making up sh*t about Domenica waving a glass in her face. Next up it will be that Domenica had a machete.
This story is becoming Chinese whispers but the only one participating is Olivia.
IT’S DINNER TIIIIIIIME
It’s time to eat dinner. And eat they do.
It is about 20 minutes of cutlery clanking on crockery and is AWKWARD AF until our hero, Matt, stands up.
He makes a speech. A hero’s speech. This is our Braveheart speech.
He apologises to the group for getting drunk. He apologies to Kate for getting drunk. He basically apologises to the nation for getting drunk.
Everyone forgives him. I mean, probably except Kate. This is her way out and she’ll be using it.
Instead of forgiving a sore and sober Matt, Kate talks about her love of… all things… baby corn. She calls it “quite fun.” Fk her life is boring.
Domenica asks Dion how his loveless, sexless, lifeless marriage is. He attempts to answer but Carolina fires in and says that she loves how he “talks about her behind her back”.
Babe, you’re the one f**king someone behind his back. Calm down.
In the second chair drag of the season, Dion moves his seat away from his bride.
They scream across the table at one another until Jackson tells them to STFU because they’ve heard it all before.
Uhhh, Jackson, your broken wife record has been screaming some BS about a broken glass for days now…
Where one argument finishes, another begins.
It’s one sober Domenica who swore onto ginger beers at the start of the night, and one absolutely sideways Olivia who’s white-trash ass has been smashing the cheap Prosecco.
Olivia tells Domenica that she doesn’t accept her apology because she used the word “but”. BUT then she says she never would accept her apology because she “waved” the wine stem in her face.
Matt, defending Domenica like the king he is, says, that actually, Domenica’s apology was completely reasonable.
Carolina, because she hasn’t fked up enough this week, tells everyone to hide their glasses from Domenica. Hey, ladies! Maybe hide your husband from Carolina!!
Jackson — who was once Team Olivia — is now getting annoyed.
The group goes around in circles about whether or not Domenica threatened Olivia with a wine stem. She didn’t.
The wine glass lays dormant. Something tells me Olivia simply does not care.
Olivia says she’s being “gaslit” and she doesn’t know why she’s the one apologising. I mean, it’s because you’re lying, Liv, but go off sis!
Mitch leans over and says that Domenica is a cool chick which helps both Domenica and Jack. Sometimes Mitch is A-Okay.
And with that glint of hope, the dinner is over.
Olivia has passed out somewhere in a bush muttering about wine glass stems and Carolina is pashing on with Daniel in a Youfoodz factory somewhere…
Until next time, tell your wife she’s hot….
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