With the announcement of three straight, white male leads for the next instalment of The Bachelor Australia franchise, we will all be forced to watch three times the heterosexual and privileged nonsense we’re used to.
While we were promised a “massive shake-up”, the news was NOT what we were expecting when it came to saving the struggling franchise.
Pilot Jimmy Nicholson’s season of The Bachelor rated so low, that Channel 10 fast-tracked the season to get to the finale which saw Jimmy pick his obvious final choice, Holly Kingston, but not before the heartbreaking moment he said goodbye to “stage-5 clinger” Brooke Cleal.
Despite the dramatic ending, just 629,000 viewers tuned in, down from 879,000 for the show’s seventh season and miles away from the 1 million viewers the finale episodes used to draw in (almost 1.5m people tuned in to watch Sam Wood choose now-wife Snezana Wood!).
As for The Bachelorette, not even the gorgeously diverse Brooke Blurton — the first bisexual and First Nations Bachelorette — could get viewers to tune in…
Just 439,000 viewers tuned into the show’s final 15 minutes where Brooke picked Darvid Garayeli, as opposed to the over 2 million who watched this year’s Married at First Sight finale.
So, how can it be fixed?
We’ve come up with a few ideas that could breathe some life back into The Bachelor Australia — what was originally a banger of a show.
Give Us a Flawed, Chaotic Lead!
The Bachelor Australia leads have historically been wholesome, ripped conventionally attractive yet dull men — with personalities as spicy as a stale, unsalted cracker.
If there was ever a need for REAL men — rough around the edges, slightly unhinged and who make chaotic choices — the time is now.
We want to see mistakes, relate to their flaws and witness a character arc development that makes us want to root for them to find their forever after.
Also, never underestimate the power of humour to more than make up for a lack of a six-pack. Laughs get the ladies over lads with f*ckboi tendencies.
Sorry, but I am unable to sympathise with a straight-up 10 outta 10 struggling to find someone to bang.
I couldn’t care less if a hot, charming upper-middle-class guy falls in love or not — he could find any number of girls on Tinder or at the pub and be just fine.
Are we expected to believe these flawless men are so unlucky in love that they enlist the help of crack-smoking producers to find them an assigned Stepford wife because they are just so inept at doing so?
You just have to look at the mammoth success of shows like Netflix’s Love on the Spectrum which gives a unique insight into how other non-neurotypicals tackle the dating scene.
It’s raw, it’s real and it’s a f*cking tear-jerker because it doesn’t rely on good looking, perfect people going on good-looking, perfect dream dates. The altered perspective is so damn refreshing and it’s a pure joy to watch.
Now, if The Bachelor producers could inject a little more “reality” into this reality show, it just may manage to claw its way back into our cold, dead hearts.
More Diversity Within the Cast
Skinny. Blonde. White. Sounds more like a coffee order than a cast list.
The Bachelor has always copped it for its extreme lack of diversity and its aversion to casting anyone remotely darker than a band-aid.
While we desperately need the varied ethnicities to reflect Australia’s diverse multicultural population, it also wouldn’t hurt to cast anyone over a size eight, because God forbid a man might want someone larger than a sample size!
The show continues to perpetuate the narrative that thin and beautiful equals loveable and we know that ain’t it.
It doesn’t help that the very small number of culturally diverse ladies or slightly curvier lasses historically get eliminated earlier on in the piece.
Age is Just a Number — But if You’re Over 30 You Might As Well Be Dead. Soz
If adding a silver fox in the form of Thomas Malucelli — who was revealed as the SECOND Bachelor Australia for 2022 — is addressing the age discrepancy, then let me pls remind you that he is still only 35.
While this is a great step in the right direction, the biggest disservice they could do would be to cast 22-year-old women to vie for his heart.
You’d be forgiven for watching the show thinking there are just no single women over 30 — or the only ones left are jaded, discarded or come with baggage — and this is simply just not true.
For the love of God, please give Thomas some older, successful, established women who know what they want out of life and not just some young ones after a blue tick and an IG boost. And if you have to have them, cast those women for the other blokes.
Add a Spicy Reunion Show
As we’ve seen with MAFS, some juicy stuff can be addressed at a reunion show.
In fact, some of the spiciest content comes out of the US version of After the Final Rose including shock breakups, proposals, and even partner swaps a la the original love rat Blake Garvey! #Neverforget.
After the winner is chosen in the Aussie version, that’s….. it? It just ends and we’re left scratching our heads on whether they’re even still together…that is, until their obligatory Insta post…
Give the Lead and His Ladies More Alone Time Off Camera
Ok, I get why this one is a tricky one. Producers want to capture every detail so there are no holes in the storylines and, look, I get it. But I just do not believe it is possible to fall in love after only a mere few HOURS of face-to-face time!
The audience is not stupid either. Do we really want to rally for two people who are essentially acquaintances who have had a party pash?
I would also froth off the spiciness that would ensure if the lead and contestants had free range at the Bach pad after hours.
Add a few night vision cameras in there (Bachelor In Paradise got this right) and we could have some Big Brother dancing doona situations. I for one, would be here for it.
I realise I am outing myself as a hornbag, but I CARE NOT.
The Fantasy Suites Are Coming…But Is It Too Little Too Late?
Bring on the heavily implied boning!
As reported in episode 183 of the So Dramatic! podcast, fantasy suites are being introduced to the franchise this year.
Being the massive perv that I am, I live for the coy and bashful morning after in the moment interview in the US version, just knowing those chicks are bringing their A-game bedroom moves out to impress the Bach.
If the uber conservative Americans can do it, we can too! Which is why it is exciting that the Aussie version has FINALLY introduced them this season. Yay!
I know, I know. The purpose of the fantasy suites is so the contestants can talk all night long and really get to know each other better… but we all know it’s a horny f**k fest to try before they buy. (They typically get engaged in the American version so the stakes are a little higher!)
Fantasy suites will BRING the DRAMA, so maybe it will be a saving grace after all?
Will Anything Be Enough to Save the Show?
All we know for sure is viewers are tired of the current, predictable format and something BIG needs to happen before we all get the ick for our once-beloved show. Otherwise, it may be time to let The Bachelor go for good.
Want even more goss? Listen to episode 183 of the So Dramatic! podcast with Megan Pustetto below!
Know something that we don’t? Spill the tea here!
Get the tea first! Follow So Dramatic! on Instagram and tune in on Mondays to get your reality tea fix with the So Dramatic! podcast with Megan Pustetto.
