Married at First Sight Australia 2024‘s Tim Calwell‘s best man Ben has shared the full, unedited version of his cooked wedding speech and buckle the f*ck up!
ICYMI: During his best man speech, Ben outed Tim for eating a four-day-old chicken sandwich before turning to bride Sara Mesa and saying: “Sara, you can find solace in the fact that, rancid or not, Tim will still eat you.”
Ben has since shared the uncut version of his outrageous speech with So Dramatic!, and it’s worse than we could’ve ever imagined.
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So, if you’re ready to get your mind blown, keep scrolling to read Ben’s FULL best-man speech!
What did Ben say in his full speech on Married at First Sight 2024 ?
“Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you all for being here tonight to celebrate the union of Tim and [Sara]. Apparently the producers offered Tim $100 cash or a mystery box, and well, here we are!
“I caught up with Tim’s aunt earlier, and she told me that I wasn’t to mention any of the incidents related to his ex-girlfriend… [pause and put half my cue cards on the table].
“I wasn’t surprised when I heard Tim was partaking in this experiment. Because Tim is a man of science. He happens to be very fond of experimentation, so please let me share some of them with you… keep in mind these are NOT peer-reviewed.
“Experiment 381. Title: three chickens, four days, 30 degrees and zero consequences. This experiment took place several years ago at a four-day music festival in the middle of summer.
“Instead of buying stale food there, Tim decided to pack his own lunch! Which consisted of three whole roast chickens stored in the same Tupperware container usually reserved for cereal.
“Did Tim keep the chicken on ice? No, that is where his drinks were stored. Instead, he kept it at the back of his tent to soak up the summer sun.
“Kept warm at all times in case he ever felt like a quick nibble of chicken. And he did, on many occasions. Even on the very last day, we sat in awe as he devoured this final, four-day-old chicken.
“Mere mortals may fall ill, but not Tim. In fact, he appeared supercharged by the rancid chicken and went on to enjoy another late night of live music.
“He wasn’t doing the chicken dance, but there was no doubt this was the chicken dance.
“Many experiments have taken place since then. Some highlights were: 426 – Love Potions vs. Protein Shakes: Are big muscles hot?
“551 – Romance at High Speed: Is road head safe?
“552 – Is it OK to get head in the ER, since you didn’t c*m earlier ‘coz you crashed your car and you’re here now anyway? Might as well call it a medical emergency.
“606 – Fondue or Fond-Don’t: Which types of cheese result in the most second dates?
“759 – Love at First Sight Through Beer Goggles: A study on optics.
“799 – Cupid’s Arrow vs. Tim’s Law: Investigating Romantic Duality.
“And so here we are… Experiment 865, I mean [Sara]. You can find solace in the fact that, rancid or not, Tim will still eat you.
“Tim is a wonderful human being. He radiates charisma like the sun and lifts the energy of any building he steps inside of.
“Now, I want you to look into each other’s eyes, [Sara], don’t get lost in Tim’s just yet. I’m going to count down from three, then at the same time, keep eye contact, [and] name Tim’s favourite meal.
“Guests, feel free to join in… 3…2…1… CHICKEN.
“Okay, you guys are gonna do great. I hope your marriage remains hot, steamy and bursting with flavour, just like Tim’s tent chicken.
“So, ladies and gentlemen, please raise your glasses as we toast to Tim and [Sara]. To a future that’s bright, a past well spent and to Tim and his bride: we love you, we hardly know you, and we can’t wait to see where your journey takes you.”
[END]
And that was more of a “We wish he dropped his mic and broke it after one sentence” than a “mic-drop” moment…
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