We open at Le Chateau where five of the six remaining sister-wives casually eat Maltesers for breakfast. Either this is a #sponsoredpost or these girls have an awful diet. 

When you live with a nutritionist and this is your breakfast. Network 10.

Captain Jimmy has chosen Prefect Brooke for his final single date. We get a shot of Brooke in her activewear and for some unknown reason we also get a shot of Jimmy randomly running in a park, so strap in it’s gonna be another action packed date!!! Wow, I haven’t seen one of them before!!! 

Outta my way people, I’ve got another girl to pash on an extreme date! Network 10.

It’s extreme pilates. Holy snooooooze. Was Sydney already in lockdown at this point or have we just completely run out of ideas? 

The pair engage in the world’s worst advertisement for full-body exercise before Captain Jimmy talks about how great Sydney is and Prefect Brooke stubbornly doesn’t buy into it. She’s from Melbourne, you guys. The faaaar superior city.

They make out…. like heaps. It’s supremely uncomfortable. 

I cannot stress this enough… This date looks absolutely awful. Network 10.

For the next part of their date, Captain Jimmy says that he wants to do something sooooo Melbourne. Either he’s going to pull out spray paint and they’re going to do some graff or it’s a coffee thing. DING DING DING! It’s a coffee thing! And this time it’s sponsored by Starbucks. Ummmmmmm as a Melbournian this is deeply offensive — this is the equivalent of not watching the AFL Grand Final or not vehemently hating Collingwood Football Club. STARBUCKS!?!!? Okay, end rant.

I’d rather stab a needle in my eye than drink Starbucks. Network 10.

Apparently it’s trendy to do latte art in Melbourne, so they try their hand at making some. It’s so dull, that not even a cup of that sh*t coffee could keep me awake.

For the wine and cheese portion of the date, there is no wine, nor cheese. Just Starbucks coffee and bikkies. If this was my date I would flip a fkn table however Prefect Brooke admits that she’s already calling Captain Jimmy her boyfriend and that she writes “Mrs. Brooke Nicholson” in her diary every night before smelling a lock of his hair…

At first, everything seems to be going fine until Prefect Brooke, who has been sitting on a yuge bombshell, admits to stalking Captain Jimmy on Google after she went home for her grandfather’s funeral. AND WTF ARE YOU DOING BROOKE? You don’t TELL him that! We all know that we go full FBI on the people we’re dating, but you don’t actually tell them that. 

Prefect Brooke says that she found pap shots of Captain Jimmy making out with heaps of the other sister-wives and it has rocked her. I’ve got some bad news for you, Brookey — Captain D*ckhead has pashed on with half of Le Chateau… and Bondi Beach. 

The producers make us relive this moment that made me remember that I’m #foreveralone. Network 10.

Captain Jimmy reassures Prefect Brooke that although she is giving out intense stage 5 clinger vibes he is still interested in her, and Brooke looks satisfied with his response. She says something about Jimmy showing a lot of “humanity”? Lol, wut? She then smiles at Jimmy before admitting to the camera that she will never, ever leave Melbourne — and not only because it’s actually illegal to right now. She works there and no man is gonna make her move! 


And for this group date we have my sleep paralysis demon… a mirror image of one side of your face stitched together. WUT? Honestly, what hallucinogens are the producers taking and may I please have some? This date is absolutely bonkers. Everyone looks at their pics and laughs but in a deranged “need to remember I’m on camera” kind of way. I mean, kudos to them for not snapping those pictures in half and storming off the way I would have done.

Aldi First Club Lounge Jay and her sleep paralysis demon. Network 10.

The point of this insane picture is a “face reading”. HUH?! I watched it and I still don’t know WTAF is happening.

Captain Jimmy doesn’t buy into it for one second and for once me and Jim over here agree with something. The face reader says that Jimmy has a rebellious forehead. A rebellious forehead? Does it try to escape from his face???? What the f*ck is going on??????? Jimmy looks smug and says he is a little rebellious “tee-hee-hee”. F*ck me, is this over yet? This man is 31 and our most eligible Bachelor apparently. God help us all. 

Prefect Brooke goes up to have her perfect 11 out of 10 face read and the reader says that Brooke is “independent”. Brooke basically calls her out on her bullshit and says that she actually isn’t independent. More like “co-dependent”, amirite?! 

Hahahahahaha Brooke you were so much better when you didn’t start saying unhinged sh*t. Network 10

After the date, the sister-wives discuss their own faces and seriously, this entire ep could have been cut. Thankfully, Australia’s Favourite Dad Osher ruins the party and explains rose maths to the gang. There will be a cocktail party. Yay! There will be a rose ceremony. Oh! And not one but two sister-wives will be yeeted from the mansion and unfortunately, because the budget is so small, they’ll be sharing an Uber home. Nooo!


The first sister-wife to approach their shared boyfriend is Lily aka Abbie 1.5. Lily is sexy and has sexual chemistry with Captain Jimmy but last week she cried in front of him and he wants his sister-wife to be happy and horny only, so she needs to clear the air. 

Abbie 1.5 takes Captain Jimmy away and they have a chat. Howeverhowever, not before lone, Prefect Brooke announces that she neeeeeeds to talk to Jimmy because she’s basically written an acrostic poem about her love for Melbourne. 

Pissed off stylist has dressed Captain Jimmy as a Maroons supporter. Network 10.

After interrupting Abbie 1.5 and Captain D*ckhead, Prefect Brooke starts talking psychobabble to normal-with-a-great-ass, Ash. She goes on and on and on about Melbourne and Jimmy, and Ash just acts like a normal person and says something along the lines of, “Yeah, maybe just tell him instead of me because he’s my boyfriend too.”

Prefect Brooke takes Captain Jimmy aside and starts reeling off all of the unhinged sh*t she’s been saying to the sister-wives. Basically Jimmy lives in Sydney and is a pilot (duhhhh). Jimmy says he’s attracted to independence and Brooke giggles weirdly and once again admits on National television that she is a stage-5 clinger. Eeeeesh this feels like heartbreak.

The plane actually lands eventually Brooke… I do come home. Network 10.

Prefect Brooke says that she works mornings and that Captain Jimmy works nights. That’s not how flying works but okay. Jimmy explains the roster thing again to Brooke and Brooke says that she wants to cook dinner together. This conversation goes around in circles and the dismal  300k Australians who tuned in this week, have just tuned out.

Captain Jimmy tells Prefect Brooke that he won’t quit his job for her and frankly…WHAT THE F*CK DID HE SAY TO HER WHILE SHE WAS AWAY TO MAKE HER THINK HE WOULD?


Prefect Brooke is worried that Captain Jimmy won’t give her a rose after she’s acted like a fkn psycho but the producers are in Jimmy’s ear warning him that everyone else is boring and nice and normal. 

Australia’s Favourite Dad Osher tells us again that two sister-wives will be leaving Le Chateau and also that the remaining four sister-wives will have to introduce Mr Personality to their families. 

It’s down to Prefect Brooke, Abbie 1.5 and great-ass-Ash. Unfortunately for everyone (including Captain Jimmy), Brooke gets a rose and the other two are sent packing to sit in quarantine for two weeks in their home states. Quoting the great Matt Agnew: “Well, this was a colossal waste of time.”

Hometowns tomorrow. I hope someone’s family is f*cking savage and calls out Captain Jimmy for being the Captain D*ckhead that he is.

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