We open this time at an actual Wonder of the World: drone footage of the Sydney Opera House. And while it could make for a wonderful group date, instead, the sister wives won’t be enjoying the architectural feat but rather a… water park.
Finally, Australia’s favourite dad, Osher is back and he announced that the group date is a ‘love triathlon’. Yayyyy! More extreme outdoor activities! The crowd goes mild.
A waterpark? Seems like an unintentional way for Captain Jimmy to get his 100 abs out and the sister wives to show off the results from their pilates’ classes. Is this Ninja Warrior or The Bachelor? Why sooo many physical activities? Dating should be about accidentally saying the wrong thing on a first date like, “I crept your sister-in-law’s Instagram account, you looked really hot at that wedding” not, “we’re going to make you jump through literal hoops to score some cheap Shiraz”.
Australia’s favourite dad, Osher explains the rules and frankly, they’re more complicated than Jumanji. Maybe they’ll go back in time and have some monkeys attack them?
Captain Jimmy is given a life jacket to cover his 100 abs and ummm what!?!?!!?? Excuse me!! I am here for two things only: Laura saying hilarious sh*t and Jimmy’s tight rig.
The sister wives are tasked with a series of obstacles and if they find a ‘red flag’ (like every guy I’ve ever dated), they get to answer a question. Instead of asking questions like, “how many people have you slept with in Bondi?” and “Do you still have a job?”, they’re questions about whether they’ve been vaxxed or tested for STIs or some sh*t, I don’t know — I stopped listening.
Rejectee Laura is once again all of us, and is absolutely awful at this game. Bobbing around in water trying to find dry land? That’s an analogy of my life, baby!
After winning heaps of red flags, Aldi First Class Lounge Jay decides she doesn’t actually want any more red flags. She is given a time advantage and gives it to fellow sister-wife and one of Captain Jimmy’s other girlfriends, Ash.
Captain Jimmy literally can’t believe it.
Unless you’ve suffered from some Pilot-Hating-Steph amnesia, you’ll remember that Aldi First Class Lounge Jay is the subject of a rumour that she’s only here to place as runner-up. And lo and behold! Here she is purposely making herself runner up. Would ya look at that!
Jimmy trying to figure out if Jay is only here for the ‘gram.
Captain Jimmy and the fellow sister wives, who at this point are all abandoned in a body of water, are confused by Aldi First Class Lounge Jay. Why does she not want extra time with Jimmy? (I can answer that! He’s boring!!!!)
Ash wins the final red flag, which means some extra time with Captain Jimmy. They talk, they kiss, she gets a rose. I’m bored… NEXT!!!!!!
IT’S SINGLE DATE TIIIIIMMMEEE!
The recipient for this single date is too-normal-for-this-godforsaken-showtoo-normal-for-this-godforesaken-show Carlie. You might remember Carlie from being really normal.
For this date, Captain Jimmy has decided to take Carlie to get a tattoo! And WTAF!
He says, “Carlie doesn’t seem like the type to have tattoos” like he’s some sort of bikie with his one fine line plane tattoo on his shoulder blade. But don’t worry! Like every Bachelor relationship, this tattoo will be temporary.
They are going to get a meaningful tattoo designed. My idea of a meaningful tattoo is a VB long neck, but Captain Jimmy’s is a compass because he’s a pilot or some shit and it’s a metaphor about navigating love or some sh*t. Now they will be tracing this tacky Bali tattoo onto each other or some sh*t. Yawn!
Too-normal-for-this-godforsaken-showToo-normal-for-this-godforesaken-show Carlie goes first. Captain Jimmy sloppily traces the compass on her shoulder blade and says “Whoopsy daisy” a lot. Jimmy is up next. To the surprise of literally no one and the delight of Carlie, he’ll get it on his peck. This guy has about two episodes left to get a personality because even I am growing tired of his rig doing the heavy lifting.
Anyway — once again Carlie is cute and endearing and I am bored. They kiss, she gets a rose, they kiss again… NEXT!!!!
IT’S COCKTAIL PARTY TIIIIIMMMEEEEEE!!!!!
Captain Jimmy and too-normal-for-this-godforsaken-showtoo-normal-for-this-godforesaken-show Carlie join the cocktail party. I stand by my theory that Jimmy has previously ghosted a stylist because he is in half-price Tarocash, looking like he got lost coming home from the Melbourne Cup.
The cocktail party has lost its pizazz, that is — Captain Jimmy has eliminated anyone with a personality, besides Laura.
Captain Jimmy requests some time with Lily who I had forgotten about, but that time is rudely interrupted by Aldi First Class Lounge Jay who has realised that she didn’t get extra time with Jimmy and this might f*ck up her plans of place as the runner-up.
Then, Australia’s Favourite Dad Osher comes in and says that Captain Jimmy is needed “urgently”. The sister wives freak the f*ck out as one haircut whisks another haircut to an urgent matter.
Guess who’s back? It’s PREFECT BROOOOOKEEE!! Previously declared THE winner and all-round nice girl Brooke is back, baby! And she looks like a 10000 out of 10. This cocktail party just went up a level: we’re now on level 3 Jumanji. Brooke dressed in red, greets Captain Jimmy with a big old kiss on the lips, oh my days!
Prefect Brooke previously bowed out of the competition due to her grandfather’s passing, but turns out her and Captain Jimmy have been talking. A lot. She asks him if she can give him that kiss they’ve been talking about. WHAT IS GOING ON?! Why don’t WE get to see this sort of juicy stuff instead of six sister wives partially drowning at a fkn waterpark.
Turns out that in Prefect Brooke’s absence she grew a whole lot of confidence and this is not good for the other sister wives who have been resting on their laurels of not saying things like “I have chlamydia” that has been the downfall of the comrades.
Prefect Brooke walks in looking red hot and I mean RED, and so does Laura who says, “you look like a Russian Communist.” Laura is literally the best and Captain D*ckhead rejected her kiss last week, it just doesn’t add up.
On seeing Prefect Brooke clutching onto Captain Jimmy and him awkwardly rearranging his trousers, Lily bursts into tears. Lily is only 23 and has been pumped full of cheap Prosecco so this display of emotions feels real and not like Pilot-Hating-Steph’s Bold and the Beautiful display last night.
Prefect Brooke and Captain Jimmy have a chat. Brooke says that she wants her partner to spend nights with her and he explains what the hell a roster is to her. Brooke is being unreasonable but is also manhandling him in the sexiest way so he ignores that she’s acting unhinged and gives her a rose.
IT’S ROSE CEREMONY TIIIIMEEEE!!
We go into this rose ceremony with an EXTRA sister wife instead of the last few episodes which have seen sister wife after sister wife order their own uber outta Le Chateau.
Osher does rose maths. THREE sister wives already have servo roses meaning that only three other sister wives will be here next week and if my maths serves me correctly Network 10 have cursed us with an extra girl and therefore an extra episode. Why do bad things happen to good people?!
Aldi First Class Lounge Jay is anxious because she gave up her spot to Ash and instead of seeing it as charming she actually damaged the fragile ego of a man who has six other women trying to get into bed with him.
Rejectee Laura is as precious as ever, oblivious that she friendzoned herself by being too funny — a trait that men like Captain Jimmy don’t need in a woman. But seeing as we’re all smart enough to figure this sh*t hot mess out, Laura is sent packing. WHY?! Why!!!
I hope that Prefect Brooke really ups the crazy next episode because the rest of these girls are far too normal for my liking. Until then….
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