Well, f*ck! Love Island Australia 2022’s Callum Hole and Mitch Eliot may be single forever after proving that they are indeed the BIGGEST f*ck bois in existence.
While Callum already wears his ~PlAYa~ status like a badge of honour, Mitch has certainly upped the ante after making his Islander bae, Phoebe Spiller, feel physically ill.
During the November 16 episode, both boys proved that red flags could not be turned green after Phoebe Han and The Bachelor alum Vakoo Kauapirura dropped in as bombs.
To give you some context, the OG girls were told they were leaving the villa with their hopes and dreams intact, only to discover that all of their nightmares were about to come true.
Instead of going on a ~GiRLs DaY~, the female Islanders were instead siloed into the bedroom with no makeup, popcorn and a single shred of dignity while the boys went on speed dates with the new bombshells.
While Austen Bugeja passed the test with flying colours and Tak Chipangura admitted his relo with Maddy Gillbanks was “one-sided” (because of the zero effort she puts in), the same could not be said for Al Perkins, Mitch and Callum.
Look, we’re not going to go into the whole Al thing even though he was a MAHOOSIVE douche canoe, but it was nothing compared to the f*ckery that transpired with ol’ mates Cal and Mitch during the episode.
IMO: The Love Island Australia 2022 Speed Date Was Worse Than Casa Amor
With the girls watching on, proclaimed King of F*ckery Callum’s already gigantic ego was heavily stroked by Vakoo.
“Your face, wow! You’re hideous to look at,” she joked. And Vakoo?! Just wait until you see his personality!
Out of the gate, Callum talks to the 27-year-old’s boobs simply because she’s in a bikini (¯\_(ツ)_/¯), causing his bae, Layla John, to see red in the bedroom.
Then, after being asked about how his couple is going, Callum says that he’s been with Layla for “like” a couple of days, revealing that he is “not closed off”. Spoiler alert! It has been a week, and she’s got ALL her eggs in his basket.
Callum basically points out that he DGAF about Layla and wants to know more about Vakoo, who calls him out for his BS. We clap! We clap!
Layla, of course, did not “love the vibing”, and frankly, Vakoo, you better watch yo back because she’s “here to stay, b*tch” and GURL, no you ain’t. DUH!
As Callum goes to leave, Vakoo then tells him that she misses him in the world’s most annoying baby voice.
“Say you miss me back,” she says and VOMIT. “I’ll miss you,” he complies. DOUBLE VOMIT.
After his successful date with the former reality star (which, will we add, has not been mentioned ONE time), Callum meets Phoebe, but not before stating the obvious: “Speed dating is the best for me because I have a short attention span. I get bored easy…”. No sh*t.
“Strike while the iron’s hot and get out.” CHARMING.
The Welshman (yes, Phoebe S, that IS a country) then heads over to Phoebe H, who is all:
Callum then tells Phoebe H that he’s definitely open to getting to know both girls, and in a piece to the camera, basically just talks about how hot they are.
“Phoebe is better looking, but Vakoo has better chat, so win-win,” he says as though he’s going to bag both.
Mitch doesn’t do as badly (just wait), laughing like a schoolboy when Vakoo tells him she’s a model. He then says things are going “really well” with his OG Phoebe and that he’s “falling”.
“It would take a lot for my head to turn,” and is “a lot” code for Phoebe H?! FORESHADOWING!!
During his chat with Phoebe 2.0, she says she heard he’s falling, which is where things begin to unravel.
“I’ve fallen, but I haven’t hit the ground yet,” he says, and even the boys are like:
“F*cking idiot,” Austen says, and f*cking idiot, indeed!
“You’re falling in love,” Mitch continues, using hand movements as though it will make this any better, “and this is love, and it hasn’t hit yet.” Shut up, Mitch. Just shut up.
“That’s bad for me,” Phoebe H says and look, we can see where this is going; however, the other Phoebe isn’t thrilled.
“Mitchell, you have not learnt,” she later says in the Beach Hut, and honestly, we stopped listening to the rest of what she was saying because: NO. HE. HAS. NOT.
Love Island Australia’s Vakoo Kauapirura Calls Callum Out, and He Loves It?!
Once the girls have returned from the bedroom (deciding to keep their spy game a secret), Vakoo sits with some of the guys, and reveals what she thought of Callum at first glance.
“Callum seems like he doesn’t care about your needs,” she says, which puts the boys in fits of laughter.
“Bullseye! Bullseye!” he says, and bro, this ain’t anything to be proud of!
“When she said that, I was expecting her to be beating around the bush and be everyone’s friend and be really nice, but she just said it straight away to me, and I love that because it put me in my place. I know she’s got confidence, and there’s nothing hotter than a bird that’s got confidence.”
Le sigh.
Love Island’s Phoebe Spiller BUSTS the Boys Chops In the BEST Way
During the bombshell’s welcome party, Phoebe S finally puts the boys to shame by calling out all of their behaviour in the most EPIC roast in history.
“First of all, I wanna do a toast to our beautiful new bombshells,” she begins before saying that she wants to toast the girl’s date.
“Not only are we beautiful, sexy, strong independent women, we are undercover spies!”
She then calls the boys out one by one for their absolutely cooked behaviour.
“For instance, Al, it’s very interesting how you forgot Jess [Losurdo’s] name…“, she said. “Tak, you could’ve probably told Maddy it wasn’t really working out before you told the new girl.
“Mitchy-boy, you told me that you would never say ‘never say never’ again to another girl, but I think ‘whatever happens’ is pretty much the same thing!”
“Callum, you were laying on the flirt hard on these two girls, and you kept using ‘oh, but it’s Love Island, as an excuse.”
Finally, she said: “Boys, you cannot get away with lies in this villa.” F*CK YES! WE ARE SCREAMING!
Love Island Australia Turns Into an Erection-Filled Game of Truth-or-Dare
After all the couples debrief from the debauchery, Callum, Austen (NO AUSTEN, NO) and Mitch find themselves on You’re a F*ck Boy… Get Them Out of Here, ready to drop their relos like a hot tamale.
And, ladies and gentlemen, in this new edition of You’re a F*ck Boy… someone is about to get f*cked…over.
Before this, our Welsh mate reveals that: “No one’s in f*cking couples. I’m coupled up, but I’m not in a couple. That girl I’m with, Layla. She’s not my girlfriend,” and this, my friends is a pre-cursor to the absolute bullcrap we are about to witness.
The boys, who are now sitting with Vakoo and Phoebe H, are ready to play a game of Truth or Dare.
Callum — who doesn’t know the rules of Monopoly — calls it “Monopoly but without the board”… Or the money. Or the rules. So basically, it’s just the F-boy version of “Truth or Dare”.
“It’s going to get raunchy,” Mitch says.
Mitch dares Vakoo to kiss Callum from his chest to his ear and lick it. Gross.
Then, we see Claudia Bonifazio and Phoebe S don their spy hats and try to hear what’s going on. This is important.
Mitch then dares Callum to give the girls a “three-way kiss”.
Austen legs it because he knows what’s good for him before Callum dares Phoebe H to “undo every button on [Mitch’s] shirt and lick him from his waistline to his lips.
“No, kiss him!” Vakoo says, egging them on.
“Is this going to get you into trouble,” Phoebe H says before Vakoo and Callum say: “She’s not going to know.” ARE YOU BOTH STUPID?!
Mitch, who can’t see Phoebe S at this point, checks to see if the coast is clear before Phoebe unbuttons his top AND his pants!!
As Phoebe is unbuckling, Mitch, ahem, raises his flag…
Then, Phoebe S walks out and catches them, and Mitch quickly sits down.
The rest is pretty f*cked, TBH, as we see a literal heart shatter on our screens. Phoebe breaks down, saying she wants to vomit, and it’s pretty goddamn heartbreaking.
The boys then continued the game…and seriously, Callum and Mitch. If you’re reading this. Do better.
And that’s what you missed on Love Island: I’m a F*ck Boy edition.
Want even more goss? Listen to episode 230 of the So Dramatic! podcast with Megan Pustetto below!
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