It’s here! It’s here! I can’t believe we’ve all made it to the end.
While many dropped off along the way, the few last of us still standing are just fkn exhausted. Who will Captain Jimmy Nicholson choose to be his forever (Holly from Marketing) and who will get dumped on national TV (Prefect Brooke)?
We crash land (I had to, one last time!) in Alice Springs where Captain Jimmy has brought along his family. In a voice over, Jimmy says that he has to choose between “vivacious Holly” and “spontaneous Brooke”. Lol, wut?!?!? I have seen neither of these traits from either of these women but let’s just blame the edit, shall we?
We arrive at a sit-down with Captain Jimmy’s absolutely terrifying family. Cabin Crew Manager Susan has the most piercing blue eyes and I’m pretty sure she could shoot laser beams from them. Jimmy announces who the final two are: Holly from Marketing and Prefect Brooke. He explains the sister-wives to the family, who (rightfully so) are like, “seems like Brooke is great but also a bit cray-cray.”
Then, it’s time for Prefect Brooke to meet the fam. She greets Captain Jimmy by clapping her hands a la Nicole Kidman at the Oscars in 2017, saying “ALICE SPRINGS, BABY!” and then tells us that she’s so stoked because it’s “like our first holiday together.” Shhhhhhh*****ttt, this public dumping is gonna be an absolute nightmare.
After telling us that she doesn’t normally get on with the family’s of her partners, she comes in red hot with the Nicholson’s. Uh oh. With her nerves getting the better of her (I think), Prefect Brooke begins to talk AT them, and starts saying really unhinged sh*t like, “I deflowered Jimmy”, before admitting that she felt the need to show him her sexy side. OMFG MAKE IT STOP! I am watching this through my hands like it’s a horror movie. What is going on?! I am freaking the f*ck out.
Cabin Manager Susan decides she needs to have some one-on-one time with Prefect Brooke and they skidaddle off to go have a champagne and a “serious chat”. AGAIN, Susan explains what a roster is to Brooke, who then responds saying she’s “very spiritual”. This is so confusing and not at all normal behaviour.
Cabin Manager Susan comes back from her chat with Prefect Brooke and says, never mind Jimmy, it would be difficult for her to handle Brooke. LOLLLLL. This family is so intense.
Sister Tahnee says she likes Holly (lol we get it, she wins) and cousin Lisa agrees. They call him James a lot and talk about how Brooke is insane and Holly from Marketing is perfect for their Captain.
Next up is [our winner] Holly from Marketing. Holly has been the winner from the start, this is as obvious as Matty J and Laura. Unless Captain Jimmy yeets himself from the Big Red Centre, I’m sure we’ve got our victor. Holly is able to have a normal conversation with the family and the editing team play literally zero circus music like they did for Prefect Brooke.
“James’s” father, No Nonsense Noel, then takes Holly from Marketing away for a chat. I’m more nervous than Holly but Holly remains incredibly calm. How?! Noel asks Holly why she said “I love you” and Holly’s all like “cos I do mate”. It’s weird.
Holly from Marketing also explains that she grew up with a single mother and it was “hard” — and while we don’t doubt her upbringing, we do know that she went to one of the most prestigious schools in Sydney… so it couldn’t have been that difficult.
They go back to the family and I’m pretty sure Holly from Marketing nailed that chat. She didn’t say anything about wanting to be sexy and it just felt normal. But in a major plot twist (and super awkward for Holly now watching this replay), No Nonsense Noel drops a bombshell and announces to the family that he doesn’t think Holly is right for Captain Jimmy. WHAT?! Sister Tahnee and cousin Lisa simultaneously sip champagne.
No Nonsense Noel tells Captain Jimmy, “I’d be recommending Brooke,” the way that you’d recommend a candidate for a job at your booming Sydney Real Estate company. This sounds like a business deal. I am extremely uncomfortable.
IT’S FINAL DAAATEEEE TIIIIIME!
Prefect Brooke is up first. Arriving in a chauffeur driven car, Brooke tells us that Captain Jimmy “makes my ovaries tingle.” Oh FFS just pack it up now, I can’t take it anymore.
Their date is a hot air balloon and it’s “really hot” and “high” and “romantic” and blah, blah, blah. It’s nice though and actually seems like a date I’d want to go on — congrats, Channel 10.
At the wine and no cheese portion of the date, I am anticipating more talk about Melbourne being long distance and what a roster is. But to my surprise, Prefect Brooke keeps it a little more together. Brooke then tells Captain Jimmy that she’s falling in love with him. NO SH*T, SHERLOCK!!! Even though it’s so bloody obvious, it’s actually really sweet and then I think about how she’s about to get publicly dumped. Eeeesshhh.
After his final date with the runner up, Captain Jimmy meets with his winner, Holly from Marketing. They meet at a plane (well, I never!!!) and they fly to Uluru on a chartered flight. This time Jimmy won’t be taking the joystick and will sit as a passenger with Holly. Jimmy admits that a few years ago, he and No Nonsense Noel took the same voyage and it changed his life forever or some sh*t.
After the flight, where there is a lot of kissing and coupley stuff, the two have champagne at Uluru and watch the sunset. I have nothing cynical to say. They really like each other and it’s all going well…. OH MY GOD WHAT IS THIS?! In a Bachie first, someone’s parents CRASH A FINAL DATE!!!
Cabin Crew Susan and No Nonsense Noel ROCK UP wearing matching North Face puffer jackets. If that’s not a sign from above I don’t know what is. It’s actually so f*cking cute, and after some adorable interactions, they decide to leave Captain Jimmy and his winner to it and walk away holding hands. Now my ovaries have exploded.
Captain Jimmy and Holly from Marketing settle in for the cheese and wine portion of the date. Jimmy has a stern word with Holly and basically tells her that she’s a lot like his exes. Personally, I would run there and then because no one compares ME to an ex. I’m a goddamn UNICORN! I digress… Holly is like, “yeah but I’m not your ex’s, I’m me.” It feels like such a pointless argument, what are we even talking about?!
IT’S DECISION TIIIIMMMEEE!
All of a sudden I’m really nervous. I want Holly from Marketing to win because she seems really normal but I also don’t want Prefect Brooke to lose because, well, that would terrify me.
Oh, Holly looks divine. She looks like our winner.
No, Brooke looks perfect. She looks like our winner.
Captain Jimmy has one final chat with Australia’s Favourite Dad Osher. It’s a whole lot of back and forth but I’m just happy to see Osh. Osh leaves, “until Bachelorette, Oshie,” I whisper to my TV screen.
Okay, we’re back. Public dumping, TV romance.
A car rolls up into the dirt. Who is it?! First shoe is the loser but then we have the Abbie Chatfield moment where they had Chelsie put her foot out first.
It’s Holly’s foot. WHAT?! WHAT IS HAPPENING?! BROOKE WINS?!
No, wait, a second Uber rocks up. It’s Brooke. Brooke jumps out. Oh god. Will it go back to Holly?! No. We’re here. Oh dear, Brooke is about to get publicly dumped. I am not ready for this.
Prefect Brooke approaches Captain Jimmy and collectively the seven of us left watching this show cover our eyes. This is more terrifying than Paranormal Activity.
Captain Jimmy gently lets down Prefect Brooke who is not very impressed. He keeps calling her Brookie and it’s so condescending. She cries, like a lot. Jimmy starts crying. I’m crying now. It’s a whole lot of tears. Brooke asks him “WHY did you do this here?” before crumpling into his perfectly crisp white shirt. Uhhh keep your makeup off that white shirt, Brooke. He needs to wear that to kiss your fellow sister-wife.
I know that Prefect Brooke is devastated by the loss of unemployed Captain Jimmy, but she is kind of… refusing to leave? The Uber driver keeps messaging her, “I have arrived” and instead of getting in it, she’s hanging around. The sky gets noticeably darker. Brooke, babe. It’s over. Can we please let it end for all our sake’s?
It’s really crushing. Prefect Brooke gets driven away crying on a dirt road. There’s a huge light in her face and the bumps in the road make it look so uncomfortable. Getting dumped on National TV is f*cking brutal and I’d rather stick a fork in my eye. Oh well, there’s always Bachelor in Paradise. Oh, wait…
OKAY, it’s time for a palate cleanse. Winner, winner!
Holly from Marketing walks down the rugged terrain, Captain Jimmy holds her hands and says that he wants to get home and cook together and that they’ll have fights and makeup and grow from it. LOL this is the worst speech ever.
Captain Jimmy’s Shakespearean speech drags on as he mentions leaving a post-it note on her pillow when he is away. The only post-it note I ever remember is when Jack Berger dumped Carrie Bradshaw via post-it and I’d be triggered if I rolled over and there was one there from my boyfriend.
Captain Jimmy gives Holly from Marketing an extremely ugly ring and jokes that he has to put it on the “right” finger… hahaha not the ring finger hahahaha and they kiss. He says he’s in love with her! Winner! They love each other and are now off to tell of Australia’s media how “happy” they are.
So, that’s it. Early favourite Holly from Marketing wins and we all lose seven weeks of our lives.
And me? I keep thinking about poor Prefect Brooke and that bumpy ride out of there. Will she have to sleep in the tent next to theirs tonight? Will she see the happy couple at breakfast tomorrow morning with the rest of the production crew? Will she bump into Jimmy’s parents on their morning walk? I have so many questions…
Until The Bachelorette…
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