It’s the Oscars’ night of The Bachelor. That’s right, it’s hometowwwnnnsss.
To open the episode, Captain Jimmy runs down the beach, his 100 abs in full display. If this is Network 10’s last ditch effort to try and mask Jimmy’s personality (or lack thereof), it simply will not work. I have sat through 12 episodes of this and know f*ck all about the man. Apart from the fact that he is loaded and went to a private school…
I am genuinely sick of the sight of this man. Network 10.
First up to introduce Captain Jimmy to their family is too-good-for-this-show-Carlie. Being first, you know this is going to be boring and also because Carlie is completely normal. There are zero red flags to this lawyer.
Carlie lives on the Mornington Peninsula and warns Jimmy that her brother is really smart, and that her dad is a former AFL player. As a self-declared footy moll, I want to date Carlie.
Too-good-for-this-show-Carlie’s family seems so normal and so nice until we meet her brother, Nick. While not a main character, Nick gets the suspenseful music, reserved only for villainous family members. But Nick is a BILF so I’ll allow it.
Nick isn’t scary, he’s hot. Network 10.
BILF Nick stares Captain Jimmy down and doesn’t speak. He’s scary, it’s hot. Jimmy freaks the f*ck out into submission and ends up calling too-good-for-this-show-Carlie “predictable” QUE??? Oh. My. GOD! Can this man do ANYTHING right? Carlie then leans over and asks if it’s a good thing, and I swear on my life, if looks could kill, BILF Nick just upped his body count to one.
In the end, too-good-for-this-show-Carlie and her family accept Captain Jimmy into their home. Jimmy does… okay at it. From where I’m sitting I would like to be part of Carlie’s family. Nice. Normal. No red flags. Nothing. Carlie should win, give her the servo rose now and pack it up ladies and gentleman. This is Carlie’s show now.
Next up to introduce her to the gang is Aldi First Class Lounge Jay. Jay was a frontrunner until rumours circulated that she was only in it for fame. After Captain Jimmy asked her about it, she vehemently denied it, before showing some serious red flags in the meantime. I’m confused but I also find myself with an inability to care.
Aldi First Class Lounge Jay brought along three of her friends and her incredibly adorable dad, Romesh, who has flown over especially for the meeting of Mr Personality aka Captain Jimmy.
To celebrate the occasion Romesh woke up at 6am and made the most delicious looking prawn curry I’ve ever seen and now I want to be part of Jay’s family! This is very confusing.
Aldi First Class Lounge Jay’s friend Rochelle then takes Captain Jimmy aside to try and figure out what his intentions are… is it for fame? Ha! You’re asking the wrong person, babe. Then instead of intimidating Jimmy, she ends up throwing her own mate under the bus when she announces that Jay has previously dated someone in the public eye. Lol.
Captain Jimmy claims he doesn’t want to be famous because having a blue tick on Instagram doesn’t get you more flights on the roster. Which seems legit but also, why TF did you come on the show for? The friend decides that she hasn’t dug Jay’s grave quite deep enough and then spills that Jay wants to be a TV presenter. LOOOOOL!!!!
Captain Jimmy says he needs to talk to Aldi First Class Lounge Jay about the rumours that she is in this just for fame but then she says she’s falling in love with him and so Jimmy realises he doesn’t care and f*ck it, Jay’s hot. They kiss, blah, blah, blah.
Next sister-wife to show off her polyamorous boyfriend is Holly from Marketing. Besides Carlie, Holly is clearly the frontrunner. She’s from Sydney, looks like all of his ex girlfriends, and dresses pretty. Holly will be introducing Captain Jimmy to her best friend Sam and her parents who are her adopted parents now, and her birth mother who runs the Mothers of Mosman Facebook group., her Mosman Mother and her family friends.
Captain Jimmy turns up wearing discounted Industrie like he’s ready to host Australian Idol in 2004. Best friend Sam quickly whisks Jimmy away and warns him that he’ll need his drink. They talk about what being a pilot is, and omfggggg de ja vu! Have we not heard this all before?!!!! I am starting to feel bad for Jimmy for having a reputable career and still having to defend it.
The chat between best friend Sam and Captain Jimmy is over as quickly as it began.. They say goodbye. Holly from Marketing cries because she doesn’t want to get her heart broken. They pash, but Holly doesn’t think it’s enough, so she falls into a heap and cradles her legs as she cries before jumping up and running down the driveway and they make out again. This is a winner’s montage plucked straight from The Notebook to me. Pack it up! Sorry Carls. It’s Holly’s game now.
Before I’m even prepared for it, it’s Prefect Brooke’s turn! Prefect Brooke, you’ll remember, absolutely fkn loves Melbourne.
Prefect Brooke was the frontrunner until she started saying sh*t like, “I need to have dinner with my partner every night” and “I work in the mornings”. It was weird. She truly acts like planes take off and never land.
Captain Jimmy and Prefect Brooke meet in an iconic Melbourne landmark: a park, in sh*t weather, with muddy puddles everywhere. Ahh, way to sell in Melbourne to Jimmy, Brooke. Even I want to pack up and leave now after seeing that.
Prefect Brooke tells Captain Jimmy he’ll be meeting her family, and that her brother is very protective over her and frankly, this is the chaos I came here for.
At Prefect Brooke’s house, her sister and mum take Brooke aside who is still really struggling to grasp the concept that she’s not officially in a relationship with Captain Jimmy. She cries into her Chardonnay saying something about missed connection. Brooke is dressed in a metaphorical red flag this evening and Holly from Marketing has obviously won.
The family dinner is where 1000 red flags wave in the wind. Prefect Brooke’s sister says that Brooke “lives in a fantasy land” where long-distance relationships simply will not work. Brooke’s family are basically making it very clear what we’ve already known — Brooke is in arrested development and not emotionally mature for a relationship. Jimmy, make like Forrest Gump and RUN!!
After the dinner, Prefect Brooke says that she’s falling in love with Captain Jimmy (that’s four for four) and thanks captain obvious!! Back at the Bach mansion, Jimmy tells us that Brooke could make him happy but he’s not sure he could make her happy. That’s fine Jimmy, the only person I want you to make happy is Carlie.
IT’S ROSE CEREMONY TIIIIIME
Three servo roses, four sister wives. Australia’s Favourite Dad Osher let’s us all know that one sister wife will be extracted from the building even though she’s just introduced Captain Dickhead to her family. Ouuucchhhhhh.
Holly from Marketing gets the first rose. Obviously. Surely Carlie is next.
Then Prefect Brooke — the one that Jimmy literally just said he doesn’t know if he can make her happy. What the actual F*CK?
Okay it’s okay. It’s down to Aldi First Class Lounge Jay who is only in it for the #sponcon and our fallen angel, Carlie. Surely it’s Carlie. Surely?!
What. The. F***********CKKKKKKK?
Captain Jimmy is stupider than I thought. This walking mop gives a rose to not one but two red flags. Too-good-for-this-show-Carlie is sent packing. And in true Carlie fashion she is gentle, pragmatic, and perfect.
Carlie cries, I cry. I throw a remote at my TV. CARLIE FOR BACHELORETTE.
See you all next week. Maybe.
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