We open this time not at Le Chateau nor da Bach Mansion, but with Captain Jimmy wistfully gazing out over a lookout. His voiceover tells us that he is at West Head, a very important place to him — and once again at the Eighth Wonder of the World: Sydney’s Northern Beaches. We find out that Jimmy is waiting for [his winner] Holly from Marketing, to take her on another single date…
Okay, I’ve had quite enough. Where the f*ck is Australia’s Favourite Dad, Osher? Why is Captain Jimmy doing all the legwork himself? He is supposed to sit there showing off his 100 abs, not introducing his OWN dates.
Captain Jimmy takes Holly from Marketing to a watering spot where surprise surprise, we see 100 abs on both of them. I’m no mathematician but I think 100 + 100 = 200. And that’s a lot of protein. Holly’s last water date ended in a near death experience, so I’m pleased that she’s overcome the drowning. After a swim in quite frankly arctic conditions, Jimmy is impressed that Holly puts her head under the water. So, that’s all it takes to impress a man nowadays? Frostbite?
Captain Jimmy and Holly from Marketing straddle each other in a frozen creek, both their lips turn blue and to bring each other back from arctic conditions they kiss. Obviously. It reminds me of the famous scene in Titanic where Jack and Rose are freezing in the Atlantic Ocean waters and Jack ultimately dies because Rose wouldn’t move over and make room for him on the door buoy. RIP.
Back at Le Chateau, the sister wives do the unthinkable — discuss Holly from Marketing. Pilot-Hating-Steph is now singing a different song to last week, she no longer hates Holly, she simply does not even think about her.
“To pretend I’m interested would be a straight up lie,” says Pilot-Hating-Steph. With Steph’s history of lies, one can deduce that she is absolutely invested whole-heartedly.
After suffering from acute hypothermia, Holly from Marketing and Captain Jimmy arrive at the wine and (no) cheese portion of the date before taking off the silver blankets they give those who have gone through extreme weather conditions.
I love romantic dates that end in hypothermia. Grandado.
They talk earnestly about the fact that Captain Jimmy didn’t think he’d like any of the sister-wives but instead he likes some of the girls. Holly from Marketing looks excited that he has feelings, even if it is for multiple women that she happens to share a dorm with.
They kiss, she gets a rose, they kiss again… I’m bored — NEXT!!!!
After Holly from Marketing receives her rose we are greeted with an unusual sight — Captain Jimmy and his 100 abs. He’s going for a surf! This completely irrelevant scene parlays us into learning that the sister wives will now meet their mother-in-law in the form of Cabin Crew Manager Susan and Jimmy will be having the day off. After all, he does deserve it after picking up the slack for Australia’s Favourite Dad Osher this entire season.
The sister wives all get into the supporting act for this whole series, their car (who’s now played a bigger role than Australia’s Favourite Dad Osher himself) and head to sudden death. Cabin Crew Manager Susan with her piercing blue eyes and an air of money is ready to meet all of his son’s girlfriends.
Susan looks like she smells like Chanel No. 5 and crisp $100 bills. Network 10.
Carlie, Ash and Holly from Marketing are up first. Carlie, who is basically Irena 2.0 (as in too normal for this godforsaken show) is normal and lovely. Holly from Marketing spends her time the way Pilot-Hating-Steph spent hers when meeting Captain Jimmy’s cousin and sister — trashing the other sister wives. It’s awkward but we’re starting to expect nothing less.
Pilot-Hating-Steph and Rejectee Laura meet Cabin Crew Manager Susan. Steph says a longer speech than a Shakespeare play about how much her ex-boyfriend is amazing. Wait, what? The other pilot who made her HATE them and had fourteen girlfriends is all of a sudden “amazing”? The bar must be even lower than it is on The Bachelor in the aviation world.
Back at da Bach Pad, Cabin Crew Manager Susan tells Captain Jimmy her real feelings about the sister wives. She thinks that Pilot-Hating-Steph might be giving her mixed messages. Don’t worry Susie, that’s just Steph’s voluntary amnesia, it happens often and we are all used to it.
Cabin Crew Manager Susan chooses Carlie as her favourite. No sh*t?! Carlie is 33, beautiful, a lawyer, and didn’t start saying unhinged sh*t about her fellow sister wives. As a treat for being normal and nice, she scores extra time with Captain Jimmy plus a boring date in front of a shed, a kiss AND a rose.
IT’S COCKTAIL PARTY TIIIIIMMMEEEEE!!!
For some reason Captain Jimmy has mysteriously arrived looking like James Bond 747. Okay……
Captain Jimmy has heard a rumour from Cabin Crew Manager Susan and he’s not happy. One of the sister wives thinks that she might go back to her ex-pilot on the outside and James Bond 747 must find out who.
Captain Jimmy approaches Tahnee, who you’ll remember from last week as having a truly terrifying mother and also being a 10 out of 10 who somehow slipped under the radar. Again. Jimmy asks Tahnee who the f*ck doesn’t want to be with his unemployed ass. Tahnee looks baffled but excited to throw another sister wife under the bus. We wait with baited breath knowing that it’s Pilot-Hating-Steph.
OH MY GOD. It’s not! Pilot-Hating-Steph is cleared by Tahnee. WHAT?! It’s in fact Aldi First Class Lounge Jay who he needs to be suspicious of. Tahnee claims that Jay wants to be the runner-up because they “do better” in the grand scheme of getting teeth whitening contracts. I realise that everyone on this show is just in it for Instagram and why the f*ck am I wasting my precious time…
Captain Jimmy looks positively repulsed, and instead of grabbing Aldi First Class Lounge Jay he goes straight to Pilot-Hating-Steph because although Jay may not want him, Jimmy clearly doesn’t want Steph.
Pilot-Hating-Steph, seeing her opportunity to be cast as a forlorned character on Home and Away starts crying for literally no reason. Like, I’m talking all out sobbing. It’s the most amazing display of crocodile tears I’ve seen since Brooke Logan Forrester on the Bold and the Beautiful.
Through her waterworks, Captain Jimmy explains that he’s heard she would absolutely get back with her ex. Pilot-Hating-Steph, says, “well did anyone tell you how sh*t Holly is?” Ahh, Steph. I’ll miss you.
Captain Jimmy and Pilot-Hating-Steph basically admit what we’ve always known — they absolutely hate each other. Jimmy says Steph should leave, Steph says something along the lines of, “don’t worry babe my ex is already at the airport waiting for me.”
There will be no rose ceremony, Pilot-Hating-Steph wore black because this was her own funeral. She somehow has located a basic Bonds’ hoodie — I assume it’s her ex’s — and would the new real Slim Shady please the f*ck out of the mansion.
If this season has given us anything at all, it’s an Oscar worthy speech from the back of an Uber. We’ve already seen Belinda Soprano ask if they should retake her goodbye, Sierah the Horny Cowgirl leaves like an icon and now Pilot-Hating-Steph. It’s truly becoming the only thing I am watching this god forsaken show for.
After a producer asks Pilot-Hating-Steph if she’s okay, our wordsmith responds, “Am I ok? Yeah, dude, I’m f**king ecstatic,” she screeches. “I would marry my ex a thousand times before I would get with Jimmy.” Oooft.
We hear Pilot-Hating-Steph’s maniacal cackle all the way back to her lair. Bye Steph. You were da real MVP.
Now, because more people are watching Ready, Steady, Cook than The Bachelor, Network Ten have decided to cleverly tack a second episode onto this, thinking none of us will notice, and all of us will love it. It’s like trying to survive a movie marathon at Hoyts with no popcorn.
It’s Bach Camp time. Whatever the f*ck that is. I’d rather have the side effects of all the vaccinations at once than go on a freaking camping trip with my boyfriend and sister wives, but I digress.
Aldi First Class Lounge Jay will be the key focus tonight and not because she has decided to wear a dead animal on her head but because of Tahnee’s accusations that she is only in this for the ‘gram and wants to be the next Abbie Chatfield.
The first camping activity is your typical activity: body language reading!!! Le sigh. I can’t believe I’m saying this but I’m actually missing the normal extreme outdoorsy stuff we’ve been privvy to.
Holly from Marketing cements herself as the winner by being sexy even when Captain Jimmy is blindfolded, and Rejectee Laura barrel runs to Jimmy the way I run up to an old friend I haven’t seen for years, cementing her spot in the “friendzone”.
Next, the sister wives and Captain Jimmy stare into each other’s eyes, and have the other sister wives stare at them while they do it. It’s a stare-ception.
Captain Jimmy looks into Aldi First Class Lounge Jay’s eyes and tries to use ESP to ask her if she is only here for a blue tick. I can’t believe he’s able to stare at her for this long without asking what the f*ck is on her head, I mean blinking.
IT’S CAMPFIRE TIIIIIIIIMEEEE!!!
They’ve all decided to get pissed, or in Carlie’s words, “have the red wine flowing.” And as all good decisions come after four glasses of Shiraz, they decide to play “Never Have I Ever”. It’s about as comfortable as a breast exam.
The game starts with your normal having sex in public kind of questions and slowly devolves into Tahnee and Jay trying to passive aggressively outdo one another as the rumour started. Settle down, ladies! We all want blue ticks around here.
Captain Jimmy asks Aldi First Class Lounge to go horse riding so that he can take her into the wilderness and presumably leave her there if she says she’s only there for the followers. The two jump off their horses while Daryl Braithwaite’s Horses begins to play in the distance.
The wine and (no) cheese portion of the date becomes a conversation about Instagram. Captain Jimmy asks Jay if she’s only here for the followers and Jay basically denies ever even having heard of Instagram because she’s 32.
They head back to base camp, and on the walk Captain Jimmy requests that Aldi First Class Lounge Jay not bring up the rumours that she’s in it for a blue tick. Jay says she doesn’t want to start any drama, claiming, “I hate drama”. I personally love drama, so I am praying she brings it up…
As soon as Captain Jimmy is out of sight, Aldi First Class Lounge Jay promptly starts drama. YES!
Armed with cheap prosecco and sans-dead animal hat, Aldi First Class Lounge Jay approaches Tahnee. Will Tahnee follow Pilot-Hating-Steph’s school of thought and suffer from amnesia? …No! Instead when Jay asks Tahnee if she started the rumour, Tahnee doubles down and says it wasn’t a rumour but she heard the actual words leave her mouth that she wants to come runner-up for the followers.
Aldi First Class Lounge Jay denies saying it, Tahnee denies it’s a rumour. Okay, so who here has amnesia?!
Australia’s Favourite Dad, Osher, who’s been somewhere in the background ordering UberEats to the campground, does rose maths. No one has started with a rose at this bush doof rose ceremony and with only six roses to give, one amnesia suffering sister wife will get to leave the paddock tonight.
With no surprises here, it’s down to the last two amnesia victims: Tahnee and Aldi First Class Lounge Jay. Tahnee, after warning Captain Jimmy about Jay’s lucrative Instagram career, is punished for her actions and sent packing.
With only six sister wives left, we’ve got an all out bloodbath on our hands next episode. I breathe a sigh of relief. Thank God, maybe there will be something interesting to watch…
Starting a GoFundMe for our amnesia victims. Network 10.
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