We start the episode somewhere a little unusual — the Bach Pad. Captain Jimmy has a zoom call with Prefect Brooke, who somehow through grainy reception still looks like an 11 out of 10.
Prefect Brooke has some devastating news. Her grandfather has passed away and she will now be leaving the show. While Brooke is holding it together, Captain Jimmy genuinely looks sad about this news and the previous night’s admission, perhaps she really was his number one after all.
Back at Le Chateau, the sister wives talk about Prefect Brooke’s untimely departure. Holly from Marketing, with no fake f*cks left to give, sits back and eats popcorn while Pilot-Hating Steph, who I’m beginning to think has never cried in her life, also looks completely unphased by the news, even potentially pleased, if I dare make the observation. The number one sister wife has bowed out of the competition, and this whole thing has been blown wide open.
Without the help of Australia’s favourite dad Osher, Captain Jimmy announces that Carlie will be going on a date with him. Firstly, where is Osher? And why is he making Jimmy do all of his jobs and secondly, you may not remember Carlie — simply because she’s completely normal.
Captain Jimmy says he’s looking for someone who’s spontaneous and adventurous — yeah, we know. All of your dates have been ACTION PACKED and OUTDOORSY. I want to see them make it a real first date! 8 pints of beer at the local RSL before a sloppy pash and asking them to please pay for your Uber outta there!
Carlie turns up and Captain Jimmy tells her they’re going zip lining! Jeez. Shock horror. Another action packed and outdoorsy date – SKRT-SKRT! – but this time with Jimmy’s shirt on — BOOOOOO!
The pair then zip line down a building so slowly they might as well be going backwards while my palms are sweaty, knees weak, mum’s spaghetti. This is NOT what I signed up for.
Following the adventure, the pair arrive at a suitcase where Captain Jimmy claims he spent ages picking out Carlie’s outfit for the second part of their date and Sure Jan…We all know it was really @kim_styledbycapitalk. It’s starting to become pretty obvious that Jimmy has a Pretty Woman fetish.
Because all bars and restaurants are closed, they’ll be reliving prohibition and dressing up like it’s the 1920s! And since the same sh*t is still happening in the 2020s, they’re not far off.
Dressed to the nines, Carlie walks in looking like a knockout and Captain Jimmy greets her dressed like one of the wait staff.
After [wasting] pouring bubbly on a champagne tower (with enough glasses to get a whole frat party drunk), they then do the most 1920s thing you can do… the Charlest…oh, wait, hula hoop lessons?!
For the wine and (no) cheese part of the date they talk about the future, whether the earth is flat, whether Moderna is the new Pfizer…who knows? Carlie gets a rose, they kiss. I’m bored… NEXT!!!!
Back at Le Chateau, Carlie arrives clutching her rose. Sierah the Horny Cowgirl says that it’s frankly “insulting” that she hasn’t had a date yet, and I tend to agree. Pilot-Hating Steph, never one to mince words, says that she needs to get rid of people like Carlie — just like she did Prefect Broo—
It’s GROUP DATE TIIIMEEEEE!!!
This time they’re going to the sexiest place you can take a date… school!
The walk into a classroom and Holly from Marketing is the ultimate bad girl and puts her feet up on the desk. Pilot-Hating Steph acts like Holly just flashed a tit and goes absolutely bonkers about it. It’s so early for this much DRAMAAHH!!
I’d also like to point out that the only good school date that ever happened in this franchise was when Sophie Monk dressed her Bachelor’s in a school uniform and tested their knowledge on trivial sh*t like paper plane throwing and this date better live up to my high [school] expectations….
Unfortunately, the group is split into two groups: the smart ones and the ones who flunked, a.k.a debate team and the P.E star students.
Laura, who we haven’t seen much of, will be the debate captain, and Sierah the Horny Cowgirl will be P.E. captain. While the debate team, well, debate, the P.E team will judge. It’s a recipe for disaster, but I am here for it.
The debate topic is: “Does love at first sight exist?” Laura, who absolutely sat at the front of the classroom at school, crushes it while putting lawyer Carlie to shame. For her efforts, she wins extra time with Captain Jimmy.
Next up it’s “poison ball” and Sierah the Horny Cowgirl is so determined to win that I’m actually slightly afraid of her.
They play three rounds of this weird f*cking game and as if the universe heard my prayers, — SIERAH THE HORNY COWGIRL WINS!!!!! Praise be!
It’s COCKTAI — No, wait. This isn’t a cocktail party.
It’s SCHOOL FORMAL TIIIIIMMMEEE!
In keeping with the not creepy at all school theme, the sister wives are dolled up for a school formal. While they’re all excited AF for a dance with only one eligible male in attendance, I wait patiently for a surprise group of Captain Jimmy’s mates to walk through the door. But alas, I wasted my manifesting on Sierah the Horny Cowgirl and Jimmy enters the hall alone.
Laura and Sierah the Horny Cowgirl get their extra time with Captain Jimmy and while Laura uses it to say how great Jimmy is, Sierah uses it to say how great she is.
To make this confusing episode even more left field, it’s announced that one rose will be given at the school formal and that person is guaranteed the next solo date. Sierah the Horny Cowgirl is confident it’s her while Laura is confident that she will be the recipient and Pilot-Hating Steph is about to burn this school gym to the ground if it’s not her.
It’s LAURA! The girl we barely knew last episode has become centre stage and has received the next solo date. Laura had a bad experience at her first school formal where her date didn’t show up so I’m just happy that she has a formal redemption arc.
Australia’s favourite dad Osher walks in to announce that although it’s a school formal, there will still be a [corsage] rose ceremony tonight and honestly, this is the longest episode ever…
IT’S ROSE CEREMONY TIIIIIIIME!
I’ve got a bad feeling about tonight’s rose ceremony. Sierah the Horny Cowgirl is on tenterhooks.
Australia’s favourite dad Osher does some rose maths. One sister wife will leave tonight, and if it’s Sierah the Horny Cowgirl I will flip a goddamn table.
Sierah the Horny Cowgirl lists the reasons that she should stay: she’s really tall, voluptuous, loud, beautiful and smart. All true! She left off the part where she’s also f*cking hilarious!
He announces each girl and gives them their corsage one-by-one until we are left with the winner, I mean Holly from Marketing and Sierah the Horny Cowgirl. I can hear the blood in my ears.
Sierah the Horny Cowgirl’s reality TV tenure is up.
She hugs Captain Jimmy goodbye the way I hug someone I have previously slept with who ghosted me. Like a dead fish.
Sierah the Horny Cowgirl leaves us with one final gift — a car monologue that could only rival Abbie Chatfields’ “I don’t want to catch the plane home”.
“I kind of had an inkling Jimmy wasn’t into tall, horny bogans. I think any guy would be lucky to have me. If Jimmy couldn’t see that, it’s a him problem,” she says. ICONIQUE.
And you know what? That is a him problem. Is there room in that car for two, Sierah? Because I’d like to get the f*ck out of here too.
Without Sierah the Horny Cowgirl on this show, it is now just women who really want to be in love with Captain Jimmy and not normalise telling the nation you have chlamydia. Put your cowgirl hats out! Goodbye Sierah, my DMs are open!!!!!
Until next wee……oh, wait. There’s another episode. WTF?!? Jimmy has put this plane into full-throttle mode. Fasten your seatbelts, everybody!
Instead of giving me time to grieve Sierah the Horny Cowgirl’s departure, we go straight into Captain Jimmy and Laura’s solo date.
Firstly, it’s important to note that Laura is Italian, so obviously she is going to teach Captain Jimmy how to make pasta because if there’s one thing this show does well, it’s stereotypes. I like Laura. She’s kind of awkward and says the wrong thing… and also, she does not know how to make pasta.
Captain Jimmy and Laura awkwardly flirt in the kitchen and stick a fork in my eye, this is horrendous to watch. After they finish cooking, they arrive at what can only be described as a set from Movie World and sit together eating their homemade pasta on their lap. Look, we’re all for cute picnics and sh*t but surely the budget allows for a f*cking table.
Even though it is full cringe, Laura generously gives Jimmy a ten for effort. They talk, she’s charming and cute, she gets a rose. NEX- Oh, no. No. Wait, not next.
Instead of the traditional kiss that Jimmy has given all rose recipients, Laura gets a friendly hug. Oooft. No, no, no, no.
Laura, having heard about Captain Jimmy’s tradition to kiss ALL the girls, goes all in and tries to kiss Captain Jimmy who rejects her. It’s at this point I buried my head so far into a pillow, I didn’t think I’d find my way out. It is more #awkward than waiting for the gyno. Jimmy leans away and Laura is left clutching her rose with her head in her hands.
What follows is nothing short of the cringiest thing I’ve seen. Laura goes inside and cries to the producers and I don’t blame her. It is FUQUED.
Captain Jimmy, the one who literally just brought her to tears, tries to comfort her and Laura calls herself a “dickhead”. No, you’re not Laura. Captain Dickhead over here has kissed 17 women in a pandemic.
It’s GROUP DATE TIIIIIIIME!!!
For this group date we’ll be doing something a little different. Captain Jimmy won’t be dating a sister wife today, instead it’s all of the sister wives’ mothers! WTF,
Captain Jimmy will go speed dating with his all of his wives’ mothers and the girls get the opportunity to give them a heads up.
First up, it’s Holly from Marketing’s mum and Captain Jimmy immediately says to her, “I can see where Holly gets her good looks from.” The poster woman for the Mosman Mum’s Facebook Group death stares Jimmy into silence — a skill I would also like to possess.
The rest of the mums don’t make much of an impact on me…but then we meet Tahnee’s mum who is dressed like she’s about to read a crystal ball. Tahnee’s mum is intimidating, scary AF and… a legend!! So legendary she scored a one-on-one date with Jimmy before her daughter did.
“My Tahnee is amazing,” she says and look, she’s absolutely correct. Tahnee is a solid ten and I don’t understand what she’s doing on this Godforsaken show in the first place…
Tahnee’s mum grills Captain Jimmy about not having taken her out on a single date and he looks completely baffled by this.
After dating all the mothers, Captain Jimmy says he “loved” it but announcing that he loves only five minutes with a woman is bold on National TV. Maybe due to lust or perhaps due to being sh*t scared, Tahnee gets a rose and guaranteed single date next episode.
After the mum date, Captain Jimmy invites Aldi First Class Lounge Jay over for a spot of tennis. He says that he wants to clear the air about a rumour that *someone* started that Jay doesn’t want kids.
Captain Jimmy is positively taken aback that someone wouldn’t want to procreate with him immediately — except if my memory works better than Pilot hating Steph, I seem to remember Jimmy eliminating Ashleigh only a few short episodes ago because she wanted… what was it again? … Oh that’s right, kids.
After a bad tennis rally, Jay ensures Captain Jimmy that she definitely wants kids and who the f*ck made up that rumour?! Well, if I was a gambling woman I’d hedge my bets on a certain blonde who absolutely despises aviation and those who work in the field.
Phew, the rumour is now all cleared up and Jay recieves a rose… NEXT!
It’s COCKTAIL PARTY TIIIIIIMEEE!!
Captain Jimmy walks in donning Tarocash’s best half-price look. But it’s not our Bach that we are (or have ever been) concerned about. We need to find out who started the Jay-Ain’t-A-Wifey rumour.
The sister wives, more than likely terrified of Pilot-Hating Steph, all pretend they have never heard this rumour before.
The sister wives when they hear that Jay doesn’t want kids apparently. Source: NBC
It takes about three seconds of detective work before Pilot-Hating Steph admits that she’s heard the rumour but in no uncertain terms did she start the rumour. If I had a drink every time Steph lied I’d have my head in the toilet by now. But Channel Ten let her off the hook this time, and don’t do another rewind montage of all her lies.
IT’S ROSE CEREMONY TIIIIIIMEEE!!!
Australia’s favourite dad Osher does rose maths. Three sister wives have roses, and one will not be so lucky.
Halfway through the rose ceremony a random woman comes stumbling in from the street. I have never seen this woman in my life. She steps forward, apparently her name is Bek. Nice to meet you, Bek!
Random Bek takes Captain Jimmy outside. Instead of not receiving a rose, she would like to walk away from the rose. She calls it “friendzone” but I can read between the lines. Jimmy has the personality of a pot plant (similar to the one somebody pissed in during Sophie Monk’s season) and says she’d like to end the humiliation now.
Bek jumps in a cab and hightails it to the closest cocktail bar, leaving Captain Jimmy to hand over the remaining three roses to his sister wives. Well, that was about as anti-climactic as a Hinge date!
Christ, after that long haul flight, we sure hope you get some rest. Until next time and another double episode???? UGH!
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