AND we’re back! We open to another casual day at ‘Le Chateau’, with the sister wives talking about how fun the [acid trip], cocktail party, the previous night was.
Sierah the horny cowgirl says that she hasn’t made a connection with Captain Jimmy yet but don’t worry, hun! You’ve made a connection with all of Australia, if that’s any consolation!
Suddenly, there’s the (un)familiar noise of a helicopter. It’s Captain Jimmy disguised as a GI Joe, here to casually fly away with one of his girlfriends on yet another adrenaline-filled date.
After squealing louder than the helicopter itself, the girls run to where it’s landing, but no one warns them that it would be so windy. While on Instagram it would look like a scene from Beyonce’s Crazy in Love, in reality, it’s a whirlwind of extensions and dust.
With Captain Jimmy now safely on the ground, Australia’s favourite dad, Osher, reveals what the next one-on-one date will entail. One nameless woman says, “If I go, can I take all of my 13 girlfriends? Oh, I thought I said that under my breath!” Who is that? She’s hilarious! Give her more screen time!
Even though she has a key to the Aldi First Class Lounge, Captain Jimmy wants to spend even more time with Jay.
Jay hopes that perhaps the helicopter will take her to Fiji, however, I’m sure Fiji is certainly not within a five kilometre radius.
Once alone, the pair end up at another glamorous puddle of water to partake in a Bachelor franchise favourite — an action-packed date! This time it’s jet skiing! SQUEAL!! But wait, there’s a catch! Oh. Captain Jimmy is going to blindfold Jay to fulfill some weird kink fantasy as pay back for the time she blindfolded him in the Aldi First Class Lounge. I don’t know what Warner Bros and Network 10 think a “dream date” is, but I don’t think it’s this.
The #SiblingsorDating couple climb aboard, and Network 10 has again gifted us to another glimpse of Captain Jimmy’s 100 abs. Praise be! You’d think I’d be sick of this by now, but we’re back in lockdown and this is all I’ve got.
Back at ‘Le Chateau’, Tatum and Sierah the horny cowgirl discuss that they actually love adrenalin dates. They talk in a group of three. There’s an unnamed middle sister wife who gets no camera time at all. Sorry, love — if you want some air time, you’ll need to be Holly from Marketing or act a little more unhinged.
Meanwhile, Captain Jimmy and Jay’s date has been cranked up a gear! This date should be named “cashed up bogans” because the second part of it is racing cars on a speedway! And all I’m hoping is that we get a cameo of Lachy from Beauty and the Geek to signal that we’re off to a flying start!
Jay tells Captain Jimmy that she was in a horrific car crash once and actually hates driving fast, so naturally this is why the producers picked her to face her PTSD head-first on National television.
Captain Jimmy admits that he was “going to be a gentleman” and let her win, however, Jay leaves him in the dust and it’s so hot, she must be rewarded — only this reward is just wine and cheese.
Side note: I’ve only recently noticed that this season there has been a distinct lack of over-the-top cheese platters, which I assume is for COVID safety reasons. But seriously, how COVID safe is Jimmy kissing SEVEN of the women so far? Bring me back the mouldy cheese!!!
With the romantic backdrop of the racetrack (?!) behind them, Jay and Captain Jimmy talk earnestly about their heritage and upbringing. It’s actually pretty cute, because they have “sooooo much in common”. I catch myself smiling. What has this show done to me?!
They kiss, she gets a rose; they kiss some more. I’m bored. NEXT!
It’s GROUP DATE TIIIIIME!
This time Jimmy enters the date with his sister wives, and Australia’s favourite dad, Osher, declares that he was the one who organised this date. PLOT TWIST!!! My little cupid! Holly from Marketing rightfully says, “this is the reason that we’re not on a beach in our bikinis.” And she’s not wrong.
Only five girls will go on this date with Captain Jimmy, and the other sister wives will watch on and judge. Jimmy has selected the girls himself, and declares that it’s all ones he hasn’t gotten to know yet (Note: All the nameless ones he hasn’t yet kissed).
The lucky ladies are: Rebekah (who?!), Stevie (who?!), Ashleigh (who?!), Laura (who?!), Sierah (F*CK. YES!!).
Warner Bros. seems to have been given a big budget for fancy dress, because this date has five avatars who will answer on behalf of the five girls chosen. Australia’s favourite dad, Osher, explains that he will read out a series of compatibility questions and the avatars will respond according to what their assigned girl tells them to say. Confused? Me too. This is quickly becoming the worst segment in TV history.
The reason for the avatars is so that Jimmy will blindly pick the one he feels most compatible with — and not take into account the absolute sweet f*ck all he already knows about them.
Sierah the horny cowgirl is matched with a clown, and it’s the first time we’ve seen Sierah look visibly uncomfortable. Apparently she has a fear of clowns, however we can’t tell if she’s making this up, because she seems to get over it pretty quickly. “As I’ve previously said, I’ve got a large pair of balls.” Iconic!
In a series of really important “getting to know you” questions, the girls are asked to dig deep into their past with hard-hitting stuff like, “What did you have you in your school lunchbox at recess?”
Sierah the horny cowgirl answers, “a juicebox and Dunkaroos.” We see more joy in Jimmy’s face at that answer than we have at any other moment during the show. The man loves his Dunkaroos. Ashleigh also sees the sparkle in Jimmy’s eyes for the first time and interjects that “what a coincidence”, she also loves Dunkaroos.
Stepping on Sierah the horny cowgirl’s toes is a bold move — so, I can’t wait to see how this unfolds.
As usual, Tatum, is visibly disgusted and quips, “I feel sorry for the girl, like, if you have to do that kind of stuff to get a boy’s attention, it’s really quite concerning. Like, relax, Sweetie.” We are still talking about Dunkaroos, aren’t we?
After #DunkeroosGate, the five women are tasked with writing a letter to Captain Jimmy with all their hopes and dreams on it. My heart genuinely raced at the very thought of being that sincere, let alone on a first date.
The girls scrawl some sloppy notes about love and their future and are led to believe that their selected avatars will be the one reading them. In a shock twist, our very own Bachie will (struggle to) read them aloud! Never one to miss an opportunity, Sierah the horny cowgirl says, “Oh sh*t. I drew a cock and balls on mine.” LOL!
One by one, Captain Jimmy reads out all the letters and while he’s doing that (blah, blah, blah), I write my own.
“Dear Jimmy, please let this end. Kind regards.”
Ashleigh (the one who dared cross Sierah the horny cowgirl) wrote about quality versus quantity time and Jimmy thought it was so sweet, that she scored a one-on-one. Meanwhile, because she wasn’t chosen, Sierah the horny cowgirl is ready to burn ‘Le Chateau’ down…
Captain Jimmy and Ashleigh are whisked away to what looks like the showroom of a Dusk store and talk about children…and eep! This does not feel good…
Ashleigh says that she’s 30 in “18 months and two weeks” or something but can’t be sure because that’s too much maths for a first date. She then declares that she wants children “soon, maybe in two years” however, Captain Jimmy says he’s not so sure and was thinking more five years. TBH this is awkward AF and I’ve had more comfortable dentist appointments than this algebra date.
If you can believe it, Ashleigh is the first girl to not get a kiss or a rose from some one-on-one time with Jimmy. I smell something in the air, and it’s not just Sierah the horny cowgirl’s fart from episode one!!
IT’S COCKTAIL PARTY TIIIIIIIIME!
On her return to ‘Le Chateau’, the sister wives naturally drill Ashleigh and she assures them it was, “really nice.” Then someone asks, “but did you get a rose?” What follows next is a deafening silence, only to be broken by hilarious random woman A who says: “Well it sounds like you had a really nice time with him.” Ouch.
Captain Jimmy, late to his own party, is found wandering aimlessly around the driveway in a white suit. For a man who can circumnavigate the world, it seems like he got lost in ‘Le Chateau’s’ garden, despite the four million fairy lights.
He finally finds his way to the place he’s already dumped ten women, and grabs Ashleigh. She is filled with delight that he still wants to spend time with her after that dentist appointment, i.e. algebra date.
Inside on the couch, Jimmy does the unthinkable. He acts with integrity. Well blow me down with a feather! After realising that they are probably not compatible even though they both like Dunkaroos, he tells her that he isn’t feeling a spark with her. Ashleigh takes it gracefully, and says he’s a, “really good guy.” He then gently puts her in the friendzone, and then abruptly in an Uber.
Back at the party, Australia’s favourite dad, Osher, delivers the news. Ashleigh has gone home, and so has Captain Jimmy. The party is over before it even starts.
“Enjoy the rest of your night,” he says and Sierah the horny cowgirl throws back a drink to the untimely departure of Ashleigh. The party is far from over. She now has one less sister wife to compete with.
“Woohoo! Honestly, it’s like Christmas has come early. My care factor is laaaaaacking. She sucked, honestly,” she screams.
And with that — there will be no rose ceremony. Until next week…
