It’s the morning after the night before.
In case you need a reminder, the night before we investigated who called whomst a C U Next Tuesday, and now Captain Jimmy Nicholson needs to find love in a hopeless place — “hopeless place” being ‘Le Chateau.’
We open with the girls casually hanging out with cameras in their faces and Holly from Marketing, or as she’ll now forever be known: ‘the girl that Steph thinks is a c*nt’, is sitting there acting like she’s already the winner.
It’s #FlashBackWednesday! This time in the form of the infamous “c*nt” incident. We witness Steph calling Holly the great Australian proverb, before she vehemently denies it. Fasten your seatbelts, ladies and gentlemen. I think we’re in for a bumpy ride!
Back at present day Le Chateau, Australia’s favourite dad, Osher, skips in holding a cryptic date card, while Australia’s horniest women squeal in unison.
Ashleigh (?!) provides commentary saying that she would like to spend time with Jimmy. Babe, I’d like to spend time with you because… who are you?
Osher says that Jimmy would like to go on a single date and for the lucky lady, being in “close quarters” will be an “understatement”. Without any producer input at all… our pilot-hating-gamer-girl Steph is selected and how’s that for timing?!?! It was only “last night” in the Bachie timeline that Steph called Holly from Marketing a c*nt, and now she has been asked on a one-on-one date! In the real world, you would be punished for that kind of insult, not rewarded!
Steph is about to become Captain Jimmy’s co-pilot and if memory serves me the way it doesn’t serve Steph, I remember she hates pilots and flipping off a random plane flying overhead in Episode One.
Arriving at Pyrmont Bridge in Sydney, Steph wistfully looks out over Darling Harbour before she spots him. They meet and he tells her that she looks amazing “as always”.
Even though the producer’s told him not to tell her, Captain Jimmy admits that they will be “flying” in a flight [
stimulator] simulator because apparently Steph “likes airplanes”… but not pilots, amirite?! Upon hearing this, Steph looks as thrilled as Vanessa Sunshine on the first sighting of Nick ‘Honey Badger’ Cummins.
Vanessa and Steph share the same energy of hating literally everything. Network 10.
Jimmy is impressed that Steph knows all the lingo like “take off” and “go around” and Steph embodies her token look: smug. Turns out having a scumbag pilot ex-boyfriend might land her a man after all!
They “fly” the “plane” together, talking in as many sexual innuendos that you can squeeze into a simulator date as possible like “thrust” and “going down”. I then offer my own — , “stimulator, not simulator, hey guys?!”
Steph admits that this has really “tickled her pilot fetish” — a fetish I didn’t know, nor want to know, existed.
Do we have lift off or are you just happy to see me? Network 10.
While they hold the communal joystick — the plane’s, not Jimmy’s — an alarm goes off. . Jimmy seems panicked. “What did you do?” he asks her.
It turns out there is a fire in the left ventricle or something and of course, it’s set-up for Jimmy to save the day — “the day” being an indoor flight simulator. Classy as always, Steph says, “that might not be the only fire that Jimmy is putting out tonight”.
They head to a hotel and Steph hopes they’ll be sharing a room, but alas, they will not and they go their separate ways. Once in her bedroom, Steph finds a dress on her bed that “Jimmy” has left for her and Steph has her own Pretty Woman moment. Julia Roberts would be shaking!.
Arriving at the traditional wine and cheese portion of the evening, Steph walks in looking like a salsa dancing emoji and if anyone can pull off dressing like a sassy emoji it’s Steph, except this emoji requires a speech bubble saying “c*nt”.
Spot the difference! Network 10.
Never one to be dishonest, Steph talks about her disdain for pilots. She says most are “great and married with kids” but some like to “have a little too much fun”… I’ve had more stimulation from a pap smear than this date TBH but apparently they’re loving it. Steph gets a rose and a kiss and then I book in with my GP.
Jimmy’s kiss count: SEVEN!
It’s GROUP DATE TIIIIIIME! Once again we are robbed of Australia’s favourite dad Osher giving the date card and of the girls squawking in fake pleasure when their sister wives’ names are called. Instead, the girls are all headed for the beach.
Jimmy and three other ripped men in a dingy, lifeboat, speedboat, I don’t know — it doesn’t matter — come crashing through the ocean. Jimmy and one unnamed yet shirtless man run slow motion down the beach. David Hasslehoff, eat your heart out! It’s all about Captain Jimmy and his stock white man friend now!
One girl says that Jimmy’s “delts are popping. Those biceps are looking gewd.” I’ve spent all of four minutes in a gym in my life so I have no idea what a ‘delt’ is, but I hope it’s not PG.
If you could please direct me to where on a body a ‘delt’ is. Network 10.
The group date is a relay through the ocean where thegirls are made to swim between the red and yellow flags but the only flags I see are red.The girls look about as enthusiastic as me when I’m waiting for the doctor to put in my implanon. The boys announce that they are both recipients of their Bronze surf life saving medals which every Little Nipper receives when they’re 14 — and since everyone gets one, this is the equivalent of boasting you have a pen license.
Back at ‘Le Chateau’, someone casually opens a cupboard to 17 million Starbucks pods of coffee. Has no one reminded Warner Bros that this is Australia and no one has had a Starbucks’ coffee since 2007?
Steph is returning home from her date. Dress, rose and literally no subtlety in hand. Sierah the horny cowgirl is probing Steph about her date and it takes Steph all of six seconds to proudly announce that she and Jimmy had a “smooch”… Sierah is unimpressed.
I’m soooooo stoked for you Steph. Network 10.
We cut back to the beach and [our winner] Holly from Marketing, has given it her all in the ocean. It seems as though she did not receive her bronze medal, because instead of nailing it, she gets nailed by a wave and swallows too much water, resulting in her requiring “medical attention.”
Holly from Marketing goes to a first aid room where Captain Jimmy visits her. He’s in such a panic that he forgot to wear a shirt! I hate it when that happens!
Appropriate hospital attire from Captain Jimmy. Network 10.
I feel bad for Holly from Marketing, because there’s nothing like wanting some mouth-to-mouth from our bachie babe but instead getting shoved into a Hyundai Tucson because you swallowed the wrong fluid.
Back at the beach, the girls are all sitting around Jimmy’s hot mate — who we’ve come to learn is named Finn — and Tatum (who?!) is flirting up a storm. So it’s no surprise to anyone that at the end of the group date, she is declared the winner. Unlike season’s past, Tatum doesn’t win any extra time with Jimmy, just a participation rose. I still have no idea who Tatum is, but it’s always nice to put a face to a name.
It’s COCKTAIL PARTY TIIIIIIIIIME! And the theme of this week is “Spirit Animals”…
One by one, the girls introduce us to which animal describes them best. Holly from Marketing has arrived as a turtle which is ironic considering she just nearly drowned. Then, they try to decipher what Tatum is. “A Bin Chicken?” she asks.
Tatum mishears her and thinks Holly has called her a “bearded chicken”. Both options are terrible and Tatum throws a fit. DRAMA!!!
Sierah the horny cowgirl says that although she might have come as a phoenix, in reality her “spirit animal” is a koala because, “I sleep all the time and I’ve definitely had chlamydia.” And OH. MY. GODDDDDD!!!!!! Sierah owns this whole show and I declare her my “spirit animal”!
Sierah the chlamydia cowgirl koala. Network 10.
Jimmy rocks up wearing the exact same outfit Amanda Seyfried wears in Mean Girls and while I think it’s any excuse for him to show off his 100 abs, he points to his ears and says he’s a wolf. Oooooooooookay…
Any excuse to get his shirt off at this point. Network 10.
In a red hot move, Ash takes Jimmy into the spa (why didn’t I think of that?!?) and unbeknownst to him, the cocktail party turns into a zoo at feeding time.
Sierah the horny cowgirl points out that it’s a full moon, which probably explains this:
Looks like Laura and I attended the same school of flirting. Network 10.
Another girl, who is dressed as a cat, twerks while someone dressed as a mermaid (not an animal, hun!) does the caterpillar. It’s absolute pandemonium and not dissimilar from the watering hole scene from Mean Girls. Did Tina Fey write this episode?
It’s ROSE CEREMONY TIIIIIIIIME!!!
With all the costumes, this rose ceremony looks like a bad acid trip and I can’t take this sh*t seriously. Jimmy enters the room, and while he’s taken off his animal ears, he now just looks like a guy from the Gold Coast who has just been to Burning Man.
Australia’s favourite dad, Osher does rose maths. 13 roses, 12 girls. One “spirit animal” will go home tonight.
The only person I care about, Sierah the chlamydia cowgirl, gets a rose. Thank GAAWWWDDD! I need this woman not only on The Bachelor but in my life, narrating my day.
Then, we are down to the last two: Ashleigh, a bear (who?!) and Elena, a parrot (who?!). Elena is sent home.
Like there wasn’t enough salt in the wound; imagine being eliminated from The Bachelor dressed in a bear onesie. I hope she took that Uber straight to the club…
Well, this isn’t at all degrading. Network 10.
Tomorrow night a girl goes home, however, PLOT TWIST! Like me on a Saturday night at the pub, she is escorted from the premises.
I hope there’s more hallucinogens tomorrow — until then… Please sit back, and relax…
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