It’s the scandal we’ve all been waiting for. Someone calls someone the c-word, and it’s time to find out whodunit. The C-word might be an Australian proverb in some social circles, but on The Bachelor Australia it’s becoming an annual scandal.

Episode four of Captain Jimmy Nicholson’s season opens with a dog running through the mansion. Well-played, Channel 10! We all know that a dog on dating apps is almost an immediate swipe right! And in the Bachie mansion, the rules are the same. The girls squeal on cue, and this time not at the hands of Australia’s dad Osher and a date card.

Hannah (who?!) gushes to the camera about Billy, Jimmy’s dog, whom we met in episode one. As usual, Sierah the horny cowgirl says 14 insane things in rapid fire succession, including that she’d rather have Billy in the house than some of the girls.

Jimmy then walks into the room — much to the delight of the squealing women — and lets Billy choose who his next date will be with. Lo-and-behold! Billy goes straight for walking teeth whitening advertisement, Holly from Marketing. The other girls shoot daggers at her — something I really missed in last night’s episode where we seemed to skip all the date announcements and fast forward to the date with zero context.

In a piece to camera, Steph delivers the really normal and not at all jealous line, “Holly sucks. Anytime Jimmy is around Holly works overtime to grab his attention. She just full, like, touched his ass. You know what? You’re a b*tch! I just have no time for her.” Wow — I think we all know how this pans out…

Jimmy and Holly leave the mansion and find themselves “in the middle of the ocean” — ummm, try the same location of every water-themed date of the last eight seasons. They go paddle boarding which is once again an opportunity to show off what a bit of hard work at the gym can look like and of course, their 100 abs. (If I had 100 abs, I would probably do the same NGL).

Quick question: Why are all the Bachies always so outdoorsy? They should have a Bachelor who likes drinking too many beers at the pub and watching Brooklyn 99… ya know, like a normal person.

The pair make out on the paddle board and by this time, Billy is nowhere to be seen. She’s either swimming to Thailand or casting producers have successfully lured her to become a contestant on the next season of Bachelor in Paradise.

Whilst Holly from Marketing and Captain Jimmy are frolicking in the “ocean”, we head back to ‘Le Chateau’ where the girls are sitting around drinking herbal tea. It looks like a wholesome scene until Steph says, “So, Holly’s a c*nt.” Well, that came from absolutely nowhere! It’s another case for the FBI…

Stevie (who!?) says that her mum taught her, “if you have nothing to say, don’t say anything at all,” before Steph doubles down and says that, “her parents taught her to always say the truth.”. Hmmm…

Captain Jimmy and Holly from Marketing’s date ends with him romantically heating her a microwave meal — and if this is someone’s idea of “cooking”, don’t bother getting me a plate, thanks.

Holly then opens up about her family and how she’s seen firsthand how a marriage can fail, and frankly, we’ve learned more about Holly than we have about Jimmy thus far…

The pair kiss. Holly gets a rose. They kiss again. They ride off into the sunset with Billy in tow. These two are the most believable so far, and Holly hasn’t even asked for his blood type yet.

Jimmy’s kiss count: SIX!

You microwaved me a meal? Oh, you shouldn’t have! Network 10.

It’s GROUP DATE TIIIIIIME! And this time it’s in a maze where they have to race to the middle and find Jimmy, where he’ll “ring a bell”. Everyone laughs hysterically at Australia’s favourite dad, Osher, who acts out what Jimmy will do. Even though his hand moves below his waistline, it’s a real bell, you guys and not his gearstick. TBH, if this was me, I’d end up lost and frozen in my search for love.

The girls are forced on some kind of Triwizard Tournament race to the middle of the maze and the people’s prefect Brooke takes it a little too seriously.

She answers all the “compatibility and logic questions’’ like, “where do you keep your tomato sauce?” (In the fridge, duh!), and finds Jimmy, where she says: “I’d find yoooou,” before they share extra time together.

Somehow, even though Brooke is drenched from the rain, she still looks like a perfect ten and they kiss.

Whose name has six letters and still looks like a model after being poured on? Network 10.

Brooke then tells Jimmy she likes medieval cosplay, and I think she might be preparing herself for next season’s Beauty and the Geek.

Jimmy calls her a dork. They kiss again. She gets a rose. They have perfect little babies, and live happily ever after in the eighth Wonder of the World — Sydney’s Northern Beaches…

It’s C*CKTAIL PARTY TIIIIIIIIIME — or as it shall now be known — the one where there was another c*nt scandal.

Holly declares she’s going to spend some time in the backseat because she’s already got a rose and wants other people to have a chance. Of course, Jimmy wasn’t privy to this conversation, so he walks straight in and asks for time with the winner, I mean, with Holly from Marketing. This is the equivalent of throwing a grenade into the group.

As Jimmy and the winner, I mean Holly from Marketing, go off, the other girls go off too.

At this point, already annoyed from before, Steph sees red. She not only hates pilots, but also hates Holly AND mazes — and I don’t know what that maze ever did to her!!!

She’s not jealous, she’s just dressed in green. Network 10.

Not for the first time this episode, Steph calls Holly a c*nt. The people’s prefect Brooke is sitting right next to her and is not impressed.

Before the whispers can make their way back to everyone’s collective boyfriend, Jay once again whisks Jimmy off to the Business Lounge — which apparently is not dog enough to be called a C-word by Steph.

Prefect Brooke says she’s not a gossip but that, “calling girls the C-word in the mansion isn’t appropriate,” and as much as I wasn’t a prefect in highschool, I have to agree.

While the whole scenario of Steph using that word gives me the ick factor, I don’t want Jimmy to find out just yet because… DRAMAAAH!

Prefect Brooke tells Holly, who is rightfully upset. Makes sense. She got what they all wanted — a kiss and a rose — and this somehow makes her a c*nt? Does Steph conceptually understand The Bachelor?

Holly confronts Steph about the C-word, and Steph suffers from temporary amnesia. She denies that the C-word has ever left her mouth. Meanwhile she’s already said it five times in the last five minutes. TBH, there’s nothing worse than someone who uses the c-word than someone who uses the C-word AND lies about it!

Steph says that she’s got a microphone on and she’d love to “hear the playback” of her supposed c*nt incident. Channel 10 happily obliges in the form of a rewind and reveals that Steph not once but twice referred to Holly as a c*nt. Steph calls everyone irrational — and I’m feeling a little gaslit by the pilot-hating-gamer.

Steph seems to have forgotten that she’s mic’d up. Network 10.

It’s ROSE CEREMONY TIIIIIME. Australia’s favourite dad, Osher appears out of thin air and it’s time for rose maths but I’m still reeling about the c*nt incident and need to catch my breath.

15 girls. 13 roses. Two women will leave tonight because they are both forgettable and don’t walk around calling innocent women names.

An ocean of beautiful women that I don’t remember get a rose but the most crucial part is that Steph — the C-word denier — is given the gift of another week. Praise be!

Holly and Brooke look terrified that Steph is still around. Steph looks smug and I don’t think I very much like this side of Steph…

Tamlyn (who?) and Hannah, who you will remember from the start of this story, go home. It was a huge crash-landing, but Steph lives to fight another day. And when I say fight, I mean walk around trashing women for no other reason other than that she’s completely misinterpreted what the point of this competition is.

Until next week…