Ladies and gentlemen, it’s the third episode of The Bachelor Australia which means three things: one girl has fallen in love (*cough* Brooke *cough*), I remember about four faces, and I’m still in deep mourning about the untimely departure of Belinda Soprano. On a positive note, I also learned that Belinda has over 15,000 Instagram posts… so there’s that.
The show opens on Captain Jimmy at the helm of a speedboat, basically calling Sydney’s Northern Beaches one of the seven wonders of the world. And don’t worry, Jimmy. I am still thinking about your house and how it belongs on Luxe Listings Sydney.
Jimmy announces that he’s taking Ash on a date. Okay, firstly – who?! And secondly – where is Australia’s favourite dad, Osher? Where are the screaming women? Where are the side-eyed shots of Sierah the horny cowgirl and 15 other nameless faces pretending they’re happy for Ash (who?!).
Ash says what we all say when we’re trying to impress a guy. “I love adventure, I love bike riding. I love mountain climbing and camping. I’m real outdoorsy!” Oh, this is a slippery slope, Ash! One day you say you love adventure to be cutesy and next thing you know you’re halfway through a hike, covered in leeches and wishing you were back in the northern suburbs of Melbourne sipping on a 2-for-1 cocktail.
The two arrive at a secluded beach and both gush over the other’s exceptional rigs and 100 abs.
Then, Ash convinces Jimmy to play the most dangerous game you can play between a man and a woman: Guess My Age!
Jimmy starts at 26. The two back-and-forth until we find out that Ash, not only looks 22, but is on the precipice of being far too old for commercial television — she’s 34.
Ash has brought a bluetooth speaker with her to show off her dance skills. The song she chose is clearly too expensive for licensing so Network 10, sparing no cost, dubs it with silence. The two silently, and rather awkwardly, dance on the beach.
Jimmy says they have “great chemistry”, which seems insane to me because after watching their interaction, I feel like I’ve had better chemistry with a rock. Then, he gifts her some binoculars, and I’m hoping that she can use them to find their spark. They kiss, she gets a rose, I stare blankly at the ceiling.
Jimmy’s kiss count is now at three.
It’s GROUP DATE TIII… Wait, is it? Apparently it’s group date time even though we had no preparation for it. What is going on? This episode is more confusing than Interstellar. Where is Matthew McConaghey? Where is my satisfying end?
So, eight girls, six with no names nor faces, go on a group date with Jimmy, without any date card from Australia’s dad Osher. No squealing women! No jealous girls! What is going on?!
They go to a lake that can only be compared to the desolate Bonny Doon from The Castle. I’m not sure if they had budget cuts or were constricted by a 5km radius but I’ve seen more glamorous puddles. Jimmy (or is it Jonny, because it seems inconsequential at this point) emerges from the water on the least sexy contraption – a flyboard.
After flying into shot (because, of course), the girls squawk like seagulls. If there’s nothing I love more it’s a life jacket and a slightly askew helmet on a man – wow, hot.
Holly from Marketing says that he is flying 10 metres above sea level. I say that Holly from Marketing needs a lesson in distance, Jimmy is about 40 centimeters from the water’s surface and has a life jacket on.
Iconic as always, Sierah the horny cowgirl says the girls are like “flies to shit” and describes Holly from Marketing as a “constipated chicken” before declaring that “all the other girls are crap”. If this is our villain, I want more.
The girls are tasked with turning themselves into superheroes for literally no other reason than for us to see Jimmy shirtless in a cape.
Most girls choose overwhelmingly earnest superhero names and powers except Sierah the horny cowgirl who is slowly replacing Belinda Soprano (RIP) as my new Wonder Woman.
Sierah calls herself Professor Pisser which I think it’s a little early to discuss kinks and says that Professor Pisser’s superpower is “making people piss themselves” because of her jokes and seriously, WHERE DO THEY FIND THESE WOMEN?!
Carlie (who?!) says her superhero is “Toxic Positivity”. Sierah pretends to gag.
Carlie is deemed the winner and receives extra time. They kiss, he gives her a rose. NEXT!
Jimmy’s kiss count: FOUR!
Somehow time makes no sense anymore. It’s COCKTAIL PARTY TIIIIIIIIME. How the fu*k did that happen? I find more calm in the chaos of Belinda Soprano’s Instagram account than trying to work out what the hell just happened in this episode.
They talk about something they’ve named a “gentleman’s agreement”. Jimmy will approach them, they won’t approach Jimmy first. Ummm guys, this is The Hunger Games, this is Bad Girls Club, this is not Little House on the Prairie. Go and get your prize!
Jimmy approaches last week’s kiss receiver Lily, who gets about 30 seconds with the man of the hour before Nutritionist, Kiwi and all-round hottie Jay interrupts. She says that she wants to take him to the Business Lounge, aka the Aldi version of First Club lounge.
The girls collectively lose their minds. They had a gentleman’s agreement, goddammit! How dare she ask for exclusive time with all of their collective boyfriend!
She takes him to the lounge, blindfolds him, and unwillingly feeds him foods he hates whilst making him take all of his clothes off. Not only is it a budget airline but we are now in a budget 50 Shades of Grey.
Now that she has fed and undressed him, they have a kiss, bringing that to a total of three kisses, with three different women, this episode alone.
Jimmy’s kiss count: FIVE!
It’s ROSE CEREMONY TIIIIIME, I look at the clock? This episode is… done?! I could not tell you one single significant thing that happened except that Jimmy has not been very COVID safe and has now kissed half the cast.
Osher does rose maths. 15 roses, 17 girls. Two insignificant women go home tonight – if he pulls another Belinda Soprano and gets rid of Sierah the horny cowgirl, we riot at dawn.
Out of the 14 names called, I recognise four and a half of them. Sierah the horny cowgirl gets one for comic relief, thank GAWD! I wipe my furrowed brow, that was stressful. I don’t think I could last a whole season of earnestness and toxic positivity.
Then, PLOT TWIST!. Jimmy sends home Chanel. Chanel, the airhostess. Our last bastion that women over 30 are still dateable and desirable on commercial television. She had a wifey edit. What is happening?
So, in the end we say farewell to Chanel the wifey and Madison the perfect stranger.
And then they roll the preview for tomorrow night. It looks… exciting? Someone calls someone a c*nt but Rachel Arahill is nowhere to be seen! I get a little giddy. More happens in the preview for the next episode than in this whole episode combined and I’m hooked. Again.
This episode was smooth sailing, but there seems to be turbulence in the distance.
Until tomorrow night…