Wine glass? Full. Heart? Black. Put away your tray tables and fasten your seatbelts because it’s The Bachelor Australia episode two!
We open with the girls sitting around casually in a semi-circle talking about their shared boyfriend and who wants to kiss him. Ya know, the way we all sit with 21 of our closest friends….
Australia’s Ryan Seacrest, Osher Günsberg, strolls in dressed like he’s the captain of a Venice Gondola. Osh has surpassed “brother’s hot friend” and has gone into “hot teacher” territory. It’s one I’m comfortable with.
Jay talks about having the key to the Business Class Lounge. Not even production can pretend we’re not in an economic downturn as their Bachie Jimmy Nicholson is a currently out-of-work pilot and there will be no more first class! It’s business class all the way, baby!
Osh pulls out a first date card. Everyone squeals. A nameless babe opens it up and reveals two… boarding passes! Everyone squeals again. When will the puns end and the reality of Captain Jimmy currently just being “Jimmy, no captain”, start?
Brooke is announced as Jimmy’s flight companion and the other girls fake being happy for the brunette who baked a cake whilst looking like an 11 out of 10. Of course, Brooke, thrilled with the news, says “I haven’t stopped thinking about him,”… It’s only been 12 hours so we may be getting a glimpse of our first Stage 5 clinger.
Jimmy appears on a motorbike (hot damn!), riding down an abandoned runway. Brooke, meanwhile, is wearing a look like she just stepped out of a Glassons’ catalogue and let’s be honest, if being an Occupational Therapist doesn’t work out, Brooke has the perfect voice and face to host a children’s TV show.
If you didn’t already know, Jimmy is a pilot and has elected to take Brooke for — surprise surprise — a plane ride! Jimmy will fly, Brooke will fall in love, I will say something cynical about love to my TV.
But oh no! There’s a storm a brewin’ (an actual one, not the drama kind) and Brooke gets scared and grabs Jimmy’s gearstick, I mean leg. It’s the oldest trick in the book — if the book was that your first date is a private plane and not drinking VBs in the gutter like the dates that I go on…
Brooke has BPE — “Big Prefect Energy”. She definitely got straight As, did extra credit, performed in all the school plays, and was the teacher’s pet. Basically she’s the daughter my parents wish they had. Sorry, mum and dad!
Even though we were hoping for much more turbulence, after a smooth landing, Jimmy and Brooke arrive at the second part of their date, which is effectively an entire MYERS’ Christmas window display worth of candles.
In no surprise to any of us, Brooke says that she is falling incredibly fast, and it’s not even an aviation pun.
While the intern who had to light every single wick cries watching on, Brooke pretends that Jimmy set them up and Jimmy plays along. The setting is romantic and they look like the perfect pair. But, this romance will be short-lived, because as all of us Bach veterans know, Brooke is fast becoming the chick who is despo for kids in the next five minutes or so help me God! Orchestral music reaches its peak, they kiss. I cringe. Where did my wine go?
Back at Le Chateau, it’s GROUP DATE TIME! SQUEAL! As is Bach tradition, the first group date is a photoshoot.
Just like every other Bach season, one babe gets assigned the role of “incredibly unflattering character” that they’re meant to lean into and “be a good sport”.
Today’s incredibly unflattering character role is given to Laura (who?!) and while Jimmy gets horny for Holly from Marketing, she embraces the role and calls herself Beryl.
Belinda Soprano’s shoot is up next and brace yourselves, because it’s an absolute sh*t show, just as I’d hoped! One woman is dressed as a bride but she is rendered completely irrelevant when Belinda Soprano starts asking a crowd of no one if we can see her vagina before loudly declaring to the camera that she isn’t wearing undies. She’s freeballing on national TV!
Belinda has the subtlety of a tram running through my house.
Although her dress is bangin’, Belinda crawls on the floor and grabs Jimmy’s gearstick, I mean legs. Jimmy laughs nervously, wondering if she’s hiding a knife in her cleavage before she calls the virginal bride a “hoe” and makes a grab for Jimmy’s crotch again. You cannot make this sh*t up!
I honestly forgot Jimmy existed for a moment because I was so enthralled by the undie-less [mob boss] lawyer yelling out insults and rolling around on the ground. Jimmy who? This is Belinda Soprano’s show now!!
The a constant war between my bank balance and my 23rd pair of sneakers. Network 10.
Sierah the horny cowgirl and some girl called Tahnee are up next. Tahnee looks annoyed. Sierah looks insanely horny. Jimmy looks wildly uncomfortable. The group share a total of six words. Honestly, the fact that they gave this any screen time is beyond me…
Finally, crane girl Lily — the first and only woman in the world to make crane operating sexy — is up and it’s a one-on-one photoshoot. She and Jimmy are tasked with recreating a scene straight from The Notebook.
As the other girls watch on in terror, production make her stand on a box to conveniently bring their lips to the same level. Fake rain starts pouring from a hose, the music swells, hearts race…and am I horny or cringing? At this point they’re much the same thing.
Lily insinuates she’s horny for Jimmy and it’s here we realise that Lily is Abbie 1.5. She’s half as horny, half as direct, but still our sexual deviant and I for one, am absolutely here for it!
They talk about being wet a lot and I feel like we shouldn’t be eavesdropping on this conversation. Then they share a passionate steamy, wet kiss. Still watching on, the other girls freak the f*ck out and hate her for kissing their shared boyfriend. Like they wouldn’t all do the same thing!
Because Jimmy is horny after that kiss, Abbie 1.5 earns extra time with him. Even though this is 100% shit, she pretends that in all the mayhem of having Belinda Soprano wrapped around his legs, screaming his name and grabbing his gear stick, that he had time to set up 100 candles and they pash. Again. Ho hum, I’m bored!
Cocktail party tiiiiime! Drinks are now unlimited, the bar is open, their hearts are open, Jimmy’s shirt was ripped open by Abbie 1.5. Someone cue up the circus music, the clowns are rolling in!
Sierah the horny cowgirl looks hot, but also acts deranged. (It’s called balance, sweetie!) She starts talking about how she wants to tell Jimmy that she isn’t in love with him, and, duh! Literally the only person in love with him right now is Brooke.
Wearing the worst shirt we’ve ever seen in the franchise, Jimmy enters the party. He’s had exactly four minutes of screen time this entire episode and in my humble opinion, that’s about three and a half minutes too long. I’m here for Belinda Soprano and Sierah the horny cowgirl only.
Sierah the horny cowgirl starts to yell at Tahnee (?!), who was apparently at the photoshoot — but I truly don’t remember anything but Belinda Soprano clung onto Jimmy’s ankles and wailed like Clare Danes in Romeo + Juliet.
Sierah starts accusing Tahnee (seriously, who is this chick?) of pulling her hair. Ummmmmm, if I missed hair pulling then what the fu*k was I doing the last 45 minutes? Tahnee and Sierah have the world’s meekest argument, someone cries (probably Tahnee) and I feel letdown. Wow — this really is a Hinge date!
It’s Rose Maths Time. Osh rattles off something about the two girls who have roses, the other roses and the lack of roses for those about to lose their lucrative Instagram careers.
Jimmy says 900 names (it’s dwindling down). I recognise maybe three of them and maybe two faces. There is one rose remaining. Sierah the horny cowgirl and Belinda Soprano remain in the bottom three. What!!! I do some quick maths. What the actual FU*K? IS HE SENDING HOME A CRAZY? THIS EARLY???
Time stands absolutely still. I can feel my heartbeat in my throat. Jimmy, please, mate. Listen to me. Belinda Soprano is television gold. She’s a national treasure! She’s a criminal lawyer (apparently)! She has no tact and no filter! She drives a Mustang! You like cars or engines or some sh*t don’t you? Don’t take her away from me! She’s all I’ve got!
I throw my phone at the TV.
There have been some injustices in this world. Sarah Murdoch announcing the wrong winner of Australia’s Next Top Model being one and Richie Strahan picking Alex Nation over Nikki Grogan. But this… this is a hate crime.
Some other girl gets eliminated but all I can see is that Belinda Soprano is gone. I am sobbing. Why, Jimmy! Why???
We get a shot of her in the limo. She asks if they should reshoot her face because she didn’t look sad enough. She’s an icon. She’s a legend. I have asked my tattoo artist to tattoo her iconic and Ghandi level quote, “life without love is just shitting and eating” on my rib cage to honour her forever
It’s over now, and I am at a loss. If you need me, I’ll be curled up in a heap in my bedroom mourning Belinda Soprano. R.I.P. to the realest.
Until next week….
When someone takes the last corn chip that I was eyeing off. Network 10.